I feel lost. I’m not the person I once was, if you saw me a couple years from now I was the most heartwarming, sweet person you could ever meet. The past couple years I’ve been hurt very terribly. I’ve had 3 boyfriends, and each one lasted for quite a bit some time – one last over a year.
They all promised that they’ll be their for eternity, and I’m the type of person to grow very close to someone once I open up to them. My first relationship was the guy I dated for over a year it was an on and off type of thing, and I grew so close to him I could share any emberrasing detail. He always hurt my feelings and came in and out of my life as he pleased, considering I loved him so much I allowed him to do so. I don’t get that much love at home, as much as I try to bond with my family I’m always getting pushed away or yelled at.
I’m a 4.0 student, have a huge heart – I don’t see what a parent could ask for more of. Anyway, I was really stressed out from the relationship with that current guy and my parents as well – that I overdoased on medication and had to go to the hospital (this was about 2-3 years ago) Why did I let myself do that, I have so many goals/plans for myself to be a successfull person in life (dream is to be a psychologist) and I all of a sudden just crashed. I feel like I have so much positive energy in me that I wish could be expressed into my life – but I feel as if it’s being blocked.
The next boyfriend (number 2) cheated on me. I was so happy and gave him my heart and it got crushed once again. The boyfriend after him (number 3) left me because I couldn’t open up to him, and because I wouldn’t give him any of his sexual needs. All of this brings me to my problem….
Over the past year or so, I’ve learned to ignore love – and start loving myself. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t open myself up to anybody – because I have such a huge fear that I’ll get hurt. When I open up to someone I start to get an attachment feeling – and that person ends up leaving. I can’t deal with people whom I’m close to, to leave my life. I’ve become very overprotective on my feelings/heart and wont let anybody in. Some guys even tell me that I keep to myself to much, and I’m afraid this will ruin a chance to be in a good relationship with a “good” guy (if their is one out their). I feel as if maybe I’ve become self-centered because I’ve learned that’s how the society is today. Where did my caring feelings go? I’ve drifted so far away from my true self – and I’ve realized ignoring problems only got me into a deep hole. I just wish for a normal life, I feel as if I’m so out of place, and don’t have myself in order…