Hello and thanks for your question. It sounds like you are kind of “stuck” in a very sad past and wanting a relationship with a father who can’t quite deliver. There is hope for you, though. I often work with young professionals in the Baltimore area who describe similar problems with being unmotivated (and feeling suicidal).
This is not rare; in fact, you are describing a normal life transition. You are no longer a kid, but not quite in your professional adulthood yet. This can be both frustrating and depressing. Things that are supposed to be happening haven’t yet, such as the perfect job, relationships and home.
I would suggest you find a therapist in your area who can help you work through some of the issues with both your father and perhaps, your own self-esteem. We identify with our parents when we are kids and want to be like them when we grow up. Eventually, we often discover that our parents aren’t quite what we thought and we are disappointed and even angered by this. This can confuse us and make us wonder about other values.
Please, talk with a professional who can help. They can help you get over this rough spot, help you find motivation, and get past the suicidal thinking. You can find one in your area at Psychology Today.
Best of luck,
Dr. Diana Walcutt