I can’t tell you what is wrong with you on the basis of a letter. All I know for sure is that something is very, very wrong. But you know that already. I’m impressed that you have tried to get help and you haven’t given up. You reached out to us at PsychCentral, just as you’ve tried therapy and medicines.
My biggest concern as I read your letter is the number of therapists and medicines you’ve tried. Sometimes problems don’t get fixed because people get impatient. When something (or someone) isn’t helpful right away, they switch. The treatment didn’t have a chance. If you think that might be true, I encourage you to try again but this time to give the treatment at least 6 months before abandoning it.
If that is not the case: You may need longer term treatment at a place where you can be kept safe while you and your treatment team figure you out. There are residential schools where kids like you can both get an education and get treatment. I hope your parents know the whole story. As painful as it is for them to know how desperate you can get, it would be far more painful to lose you. You could talk to them about working with your high school to refer you to a residential school for awhile.
Meanwhile, please keep the following numbers on you. If you feel suicidal and can’t reach someone you trust, there are counselors at both places 24/7 who can listen to you and give you the support you need.
Boys Town National Hotline is at 1-80-448-3000 (www.boystown.org)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 1-800-273 TALK (www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org).
I wish you well.