Hello and thanks for your question.
Wow, you’ve had a terrible time, haven’t you? You’re still quite young, but my guess is that you had a pretty difficult childhood. Chances are, you’re repeating behaviors that you either saw or learned back then. You know that you are at risk for addictive behaviors yourself. The good news is that you don’t HAVE to continue these patterns.
This includes the drinking (and being addicted to people who neither respect or will be there if you need them). I’m sure you know that alcohol is a depressant so while it may help you get to sleep, it probably wakes you up a few hours later, and you’re even more depressed. Not everyone out there is a jerk, and you CAN find a much better life, if you choose to change what you are doing.
Don’t buy into the stuff that you don’t deserve any better. Yeah, I know you are probably thinking something like that, or you wouldn’t pick losers, would you? YOU ARE NOT a loser and deserve better. Write this on your mirror with lipstick and read it out loud every time you look in the mirror: I DESERVE A GOOD LIFE AND WILL WORK TO GET IT.
You probably cannot do this on your own, however. A professional would be able to guide you through the growth and provide you a safe place to learn how to function better. Therapists know how to help. Even though you may not have much/any money at this point, you shouldn’t put off getting help. There are places that can provide therapy for little or no money. If you call the state psychological association, they may be able to give you names of therapists who you can afford. You can also go to Psychology Today to find a provider in your area. Please ALSO consider going to AA meetings, or ACOA, for support. Get yourself a sponsor and talk to her.
You DO NOT have to live the same life that your parents chose.
I hope this helps,
Dr. Diana Walcutt