There is no need to apologize for your question. As you’ve said, your question is unique compared to some of the others related to schizophrenia.
You’ve experienced obsessive compulsive disorder tendencies, feeling depressed and having thoughts of suicide, as well irritability, aggression and not sleeping well. You’re also concerned about your thought processes. You hear voices commanding you to perform certain actions and that if you don’t, you’ll get into trouble. There are also the images you have of harming your friends or family. In these scenes you’re not afraid to carry out these harmful actions against them. You also describe not having emotions. This is sometimes referred to as “flat affect.” Even when you believe you are experiencing an emotion you don’t trust that it’s real.
Some of the above symptoms may be signs of schizophrenia. For instance, the voices that command you to harm yourself or other people are potentially symptoms of schizophrenia. Feeling as though you have no emotions is another symptom that has also been associated with schizophrenia. The same is true with regard to obsessive compulsive disorder tendencies. The other concern is related to your speech. You find yourself stuttering, forgetting the meaning of words or what you’ve said mid-sentence. There are also times when you’re completely unable to speak. Furthermore, there are occasions in which you do not trust the definitions of the words you’re speaking. Speech and language problems have also been linked to schizophrenia.
The symptoms you’ve described may or may not mean you have schizophrenia. The best way to gain an accurate diagnosis is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. You should make an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation.
What I found remarkable about your letter is how detailed and specific it was regarding your symptoms. If someone is having difficulty trusting their own thoughts, hearing voices or feeling paranoid, then understandably it may not be easy for them to discuss these topics. Sometimes individuals with the symptoms that you’ve described find it challenging to put their thoughts in a logical order. You were able to write about what you’re experiencing with clarity. The fact that you were able to be so descriptive and clear is encouraging. The tone of your letter also suggests that you’d be amenable to treatment. When it comes to schizophrenia, being receptive to treatment can mean the difference between recovery and non-recovery, a good prognosis or a chronic cycling of episodes.
I would suggest that you strongly consider seeking treatment or at the very least, having a psychiatric evaluation. If you are showing signs of schizophrenia (which you may or may not be) early treatment may prevent the illness from intensifying. Delays in treatment prevent unnecessary suffering and may increase the risk of having future psychotic episodes. Early treatment has been associated with better recoveries.
Let me reiterate that I cannot know based on a short letter whether you have schizophrenia or a related disorder. What I do know is that the symptoms you’ve described are not “normal” and early treatment, no matter your diagnosis, is critical. There are some people who have one schizophrenic episode and never have another. Generally it’s the individuals who seek early intervention that tend to remain stable.
If you have any future or additional questions I sincerely hope that you will not hesitate to write back.