It’s not clear from your letter what exactly is going on. If I’m reading your letter correctly you want to have sex with your wife but she says she can’t or doesn’t want to because she is experiencing menopause and has post traumatic stress disorder due to witnessing her mother die in an auto accident. You contend it’s not menopause that has decreased her sex drive but that it may actually be the medication Effexor. She’s not only uninterested in having sex with you, she’s also unwilling to attempt to solve the problem related to her decrease in libido. If I understand your letter correctly, this is all making you very upset and you’re not sure how much longer you can handle the situation.
You also mentioned that you have “uncontrollable desires” due to your childhood. I am interpreting this as meaning you have a high sex drive and it’s difficult for you to not have sex with your wife. This interpretation may be completely incorrect. These “uncontrollable desires” may be related to something you that did not specify in your letter.
It’s difficult to give you specific advice regarding this situation because there are aspects of your letter that I’m unclear about. Generally speaking, it’s very common for a couple to have unmatched sex drives. Usually it’s advisable to work out an agreement that satisfies both parties. That however requires both individuals to be willing to come to an agreement. Since your wife is unwilling to make any compromises at this point then you should consider attending therapy alone. You may want to consider seeing a sex therapist because they often have specialized knowledge in this area.
With regard to the “uncontrollable desires” this is also something that could be dealt with in therapy. The sex drive is very powerful. A sex therapist can help you find a way to control these urges or find a healthy outlet for them to be expressed in a satisfactory way.
Basically I’m advocating that even if your wife is not willing to attend therapy you should still go. The tone of your letter suggests that you are ready to leave your wife over this issue. My point in recommending therapy is that you should try to work out these problems before you consider ending your marriage. There may be easy solutions to what from your perspective seems like a difficult or unsolvable problem. Therapy offers an objective view of the situation and may help you come to a resolution for this distressing problem that you may not have otherwise thought of on your own. Two minds are better than one, especially when the second mind- that of the therapist- has gone through years of training for the purpose of solving problems just like what you’re describing.
If you would like to write back and provide more details regarding your question then maybe I could give you more specific advice. Thanks for writing. I wish you luck.