I am in recovery can’t take narotics but I am Bipolar so the say I am just crazy sometimes and also adhd. I hate meds I am not in a good spot. I am on provigil 200×2 daily 10mgs prozac and 50mg of lamictral. I am also recoverying bulimic, cocaineaddict/drunk for 10 years. I work 32hrs every weekened an school ft during the week. I hate my life I have no gratitude I was asked to leave clinical today because not prepared. I feel so scattered can’t tell my doc because last time I saw him 2 mths ago he showed me my file and said look at all the med changes we made in he last 10 yrs, I have to be able to work so if a drug makes me a sombie it goes. I don’t know what to do if it wasn’t for my daughter having a baby in the summer I would just give it up If I didn’t have family I would have let myself go along time ago. I something has to go. I thought of signing myself in for mental treatment but I hate being confined and losing my rights. So I exist a psych told me once you may never be happy so everyday I ask God to help me help others so I get out of my head. But lately it doesn’t work, I cry all the time. I cried today when I was sent home by instructor she was a b.. she made sure everyone heard in my clinical group how unprepared I was. I was trying so hard to hold the tears back becuase I do not cry in front of people but I couldn’t I just don’t want to work so hard tired but afraid not too.. or I won’t have a purpose or I will lose my home. I was in recovery had 9 years 15 years ago. I feel like I did then I can’t go back to that life now i have 10 1/2 yrs and I don’t want to drink/drug just so ubsettled inside. Why am I here tired of the mind games of addiction and bipolar..just tired..Will I Ever Be Happy?
Will I Ever Be Happy?
I’m sorry you’re having so much difficulty. I am wondering why you’re struggling so much now. Has this been building up or has something recently happened that has caused you this distress? You mentioned that you go see your psychiatrist and that you’ve been taking a lot of different medications over the years. From what I can tell from your letter you are taking many different medications and it doesn’t sound like you’ve found the “perfect” one yet. As you already know, it takes a long time to find a medication that works for you and some people never find one that works well.
One thing you did not mention in your letter is whether or not you are in counseling. If you’re not in counseling this is potentially a big piece that you’re missing from your treatment. Taking medications alone is not enough to manage most disorders, especially bipolar disorder. Given the amount of stress you wrote about in your letter I would strongly encourage you to consider seeing a therapist. You said you’re at the point where you’re considering going back to using drugs and alcohol when you’ve been clean for many years. You said something about wanting to end your life or that you would end your life if it weren’t for your daughter and her new baby. You seem to be at the point of desperation. You need extra help with these problems. A therapist could really help you get your life under control. Medications alone rarely are a comprehensive way to treat mental health disorders. Ideally, if you’re taking medication then it’s also helpful to be in some type of talk therapy.
I do not believe in the idea that you’ll never be happy. It seems like you have much to live for. You have a daughter and a new grandbaby. You also have many years of being clean and are currently pursuing a career. Yes you are currently struggling and you’re not feeling well at this point in time. Don’t believe the idea that your life will always be as bad as it feels to you now. If you can find a competent counselor there is a very good chance that you will be able to be happy with your life. You owe it not only to yourself to get additional help but to your child and now your grandchild. You’ve actually accomplished so much in your life and I hope you will give yourself credit for that. Please consider seeing a counselor. Don’t give up and please do not believe that you’ll never be happy. Thank you for writing.