You have minimized the effects of your sexual abuse. I suspect that the abuse is the root of your problem. It is easier to be isolated and “not connected” to those around you and it is much safer. If they are close to you, if you care for them, then they have the power to hurt you. Strangers do not have the power to hurt your emotionally. If a complete stranger came up to you and said “you are the biggest idiot in the world and I despise you” you would walk away perhaps perplexed but not seriously wounded. If your mother or father or husband came up to you and said the same things, you would feel very hurt or at least you should. The words of someone you love can soothe and reassure or cut deeply. In a way, all of those around you who should be close to you are at a distance, like a stranger. They can’t hurt you but they also can’t produce the positive emotions that you crave and that would add meaning to your life. You say you have forgiven the person who sexually abused you but have you? You can say the words out loud but can you really forgive this person while in the emotionally disconnected state that you have made so clear in your letter? I seriously doubt that you can.
The cure is in-depth counseling, with someone who is capable of helping you to reconnect to your emotions. You seem indifferent to those around you. Your indifference is simply a defense mechanism and all defense mechanisms come at a great cost. Just as the tourniquet will stop the bleeding to save your life it will also destroy the limb that it is on, if allowed to stay in place too long. Defense mechanisms can protect you from a total system shutdown. They help you get through the day and the week and the year but they also stop you from truly experiencing life.
You also have fantasies of killing and having great power. This is also to be expected from someone who was abused as a child. The child can protect itself only if it has great power.
You say you would like insight but that you may still choose to do nothing. That’s your call. Do you want a full life? Do you want to feel the world around you like other people do? Do you want to feel the love for your son that he feels for you? If you are content with your life, you need do nothing. If on the other hand you want more than you currently have then you know what the answer is.
It took very little effort and very little risk to write an email to an anonymous entity on the Internet. It will take much more effort and trust to find a good therapist and to open up to him or her. You can present to the world a “sweet, optimistic, child-like, naive” persona but as you admit, that is simply an image. The real you is safely hidden away. If you want help you must drop the persona and be brave enough to present the truth to your therapist. Think about what I’ve written and I hope you will make the wise decisions. Good luck.