This question is not “too much” for me but the constant and unending anger, mood instability, suicidal attempts and ideation is assuredly “too much” for you. You’ve suffered enough. For more than half of your life you’ve dealt with these unpleasant symptoms. It’s time that you seek help immediately. You are long overdue.
Your boyfriend broke up with you. It’s understandable that you’d feel depressed or upset over this situation. It is important to realize though that even though you’re feeling hurt it may not be such a bad thing that he broke it off. Based on your letter your boyfriend seemed to be using you for sex. You did not want to have sex with him but did it to please him and he still broke up with you. A person who cared about you and treated you with dignity and respect would not have coerced you into having sex just to keep the relationship together. The truth is that it was unhealthy for you to agree to give sex in exchange for him not leaving you. You’re ex did not seem to treat you well. Losing a person who didn’t treat you well is actually something to be thankful for. Your ex is not worth harming yourself for. No one is. The idea of harming yourself or ending your life when something upsets you needs to be addressed in counseling immediately. There are healthier and more appropriate ways to deal with distressing situations that do not involve harming yourself. It’s time you learned new ways to handle stress.
You need to be brave and ask for help. It’s okay to shake while you ask for help. It’s even okay to cry and to be afraid. But what is not okay is for you to continue to experience these symptoms. Don’t accept this for yourself. If you are not sure what to say print out you’re the letter that you wrote me and use it to ask for help. Please do it immediately.