You are not stupid. What you are is very depressed and in significant emotional pain. I’m so sorry that you feel so bad that you sometimes even entertain ending your life. Like most people who are suicidal, it’s not so much that you want to end your life as that you want the pain to end. That’s understandable, given all that has gone wrong. I’m very, very glad that there still is a part of you that holds on to some hope. Let’s build on that.
You’ve served your country and you deserve our respect and support. As a Veteran, you are entitled to some practical help as you work to get back on your feet. The website for the Veterans Commission in your state is http://www.mvc.dps.mo.gov or you can call
1-866-VET-INFO (1-866-838-4636). Please contact them. They offer a comprehensive program to provide assistance in everything from health care to job counseling to financial help.
You also need a counselor to help you cope and keep things in perspective while you get your life together. You are asking big, important philosophical questions. That tells me that you are a smart and sensitive guy who would make excellent use of therapy.
For now, it might help you feel a little better if you made a commitment to practice some little kindness for someone else every day. It will give your life more meaning and it will make a difference. At the end of the day, you’ll have something to feel good about.
You made an important first step by writing to me. Now please follow through and make that call to the Veterans Commission.
I wish you well.