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Confused About Sexual Orientation

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I have been married to the same man for 20 years. I have had a couple of lesbian trysts prior to marriage and some “daydreaming” since. The issue I have is that just in the past year I have been having very strange desires that I am beginning to act on. I am fantasizing about gay men, I have been getting on chat sites and looking for hookups to talk with gay or bi men regarding their men on men sexual desires. I am concerned because there is not even a category for this.

Confused About Sexual Orientation

Answered by on -


I wish you had written more about your very “strange” desires. It would have been interesting to know more about what you’re fantasizing about with regard to gay men. What interests you about them? What information are you hoping they’ll share with you? Without more information it’s difficult to “categorize” you.

It is common for males to be aroused by the idea of two females. Logically this makes sense. Heterosexual males desire females. The more the better; two females are better than one. In your case the same logic may apply; if one male is good two may be better.

Generally speaking there may be women who are interested in the sexual lifestyles of gay males. They may find some of the sexual behavior of gay males erotic. Some may find the idea of two males a turn off and some may find it a turn on. Everyone is different and no one fully understands the science of attraction and sexuality. The bottom line is that there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t worry about belonging to a “category.” You are not abnormal nor are you a sexual deviant. As long as you are not engaging in behavior that may harm you or others then you’re fantasies seem harmless. You’ve simply found something arousing that may be less common than what other woman fantasize about. Consider yourself unique. Take care.

Confused About Sexual Orientation

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2018). Confused About Sexual Orientation. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 22, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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