Q: I’ve been in a relationship with a guy, for the last 18months, who I really thought might be the one. I’ve been in depression for a really long time and have messed up many relationships, so I knew I needed a guy who could support and care for me a lot. He did it. We had absolutely no relationship problems for the initial 10 months. After which I cheated on him and we were apart for around four months. He had a lot of anger and hurt during this time and though I kept begging him to come back (but as friends) he treated me very badly and used foul language. But I knew he still loved me. My life was a total wreck for those four months. Two months back we got back together, we said we would be friends first but we made love and were as good as a couple. For the last two months, I’ve spent almost all my time with him. Things were quite peaceful until 1st December, when he hacked into my email id and saw a mail from a guy inviting me for a casual night. I was not serious about it though. I explained it to him and I thought things had settled down. I’ve always been honest with him and he knows everything about my past which has had a lot of guys in it. Last week, he left for his vacation, we had promised to keep in constant touch during the month which he would be away. even during his journey we spoke a couple of times. But the minute he reached the place, I didn’t hear from him. When I called him and demanded to know what happened; he said that he needed space for the entire mind to clear out his head and that my behavior had disturbed him a lot. I couldn’t take it. I have absolutely no friends and am very lonely. I kept calling him (upto 200 missed calls a day) and he never picked my calls. When I spoke to him once, when he answered the call to tell me not to call him up so much, he spoke very rudely and insulted me terribly. He mailed me yesterday saying that he wants to think over the relationship but that he still cares a lot for me and will not leave me. but I feel as if he doesn’t care and has as good as left me. He says he’ll call but never does. I’m extremely hurt, shattered and lonely. I’ve been unwell, in depression and have been just sleeping in the day and I cry throughout the night. Please help me out. What can I do to make things okay between us.
A: You can’t do anything to make things okay between the two of you until you do at least some things to make things okay within yourself. This relationship has been out of balance from the start. You wanted him to take care of you, not to be in a mutually supportive couple. Then you tested him by cheating on him and retested him by communicating with other guys. When he took a little space, you responded by calling him incessantly and acting like you are the hurt party! You are very much in danger of adding this guy’s name to the list of relationships that you have “messed up.”
It’s time you take hold of yourself and do the work you need to do to take care of the depression, to settle whatever fears you have about being in a mutually loving relationship, and to build enough self-esteem to accept real love. Fortunately you are only 19 and just starting your adult life. If you are motivated, therapy can help you change the way you relate to yourself and to others. You owe it to yourself to put your energy into yourself for now.
I wish you well.