Q: When I was about 10 my teacher in africa molested me everyday he never raped me but I think the past is starting to affect my life. Am shy of having sex I just lay in bed and just let my boyfriend do the work I love to have sex but I can’t enjoy myself during sex am boring….. am scared all my other boyfriends left me cuz of my attitude towards sex I don’t moan or anything I just lay there like a bag of rice lol . Am currently dating right now for a month but am scared when it comes to sex I want to enjoy myself too and not neglect my boyfriend and I don’t want to lose him. I always drive men away as well I don’t know why. What is the problem I know I have a freaky side I can unleash but am shy help me please.

A: I can’t tell you how sad it makes me to think of a 10 year old being molested by her teacher! I’m so very, very sorry about what happened then and about the effects it is having on your life now. Many victims of childhood abuse report that they found a way to separate themselves emotionally from what was happening. Some even report an experience of moving “out of body” to a corner of the room or the ceiling and observing the rape but not feeling it. It is a creative and wonderful act of self-preservation. By splitting off emotionally, these children manage to survive a terrible situation.

Problems often come up years later when the person wants to enjoy sex with a person she loves. The very thing that helped her survive as a child is now getting in the way of normal sexuality. Having learned to split off during sex, it is very hard to stay emotionally connected.

Fortunately, you can reclaim your sexual self. Many people find that working with a therapist who is experienced with trauma from childhood sexual abuse helps. Others work with self-help books or blogging with a community of fellow survivors. Yes, at times this work is very hard, but it’s worth it.

You deserve to have love and intimacy in your life. The abuser has already robbed you of much too much. By taking care of yourself and doing your therapeutic work, you won’t let him rob you of more.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie