Q: I am suffering from extreme anger disorder. When I get angry I end up doing things which is not my normal character. I was a normal girl with utmost patience. I got married and got seperated due to problems with my husband. He was behaving like how I am behaving now. I had never come across a person like him with utmost anger. Then we got seperated. I got remarried. My second husband is a wonderful person. But i dont know why whenever i get angry i shout at him and curse him and hurt him to the maximum. Over a period of time he also got vexed up because of my behaviour and he also started showing hatred towards me which again aggravated me. When I get angry i start hitting him badly later i sit and repent. I dont know why I am behaving like this. When I get angry i am unable to control myself and end-up doing things which i never like to do. Please help me and tell me if i have any psychic disorder? I also have a kid who is 8 years old.

A: You’re correct. You have a serious problem managing your feelings. It sounds like you have come to think that there are only two roles in the world: victim or the victimizer. After your experience with your first husband, you never want to be a victim again. I can certainly understand that. But you’ve gone way too far in the other direction. As you pointed out, you’ve become like the man you feared. You need to learn ways to manage and express your feelings without hurting the person you love.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what kind of help is available in your country. Here in the U.S. I would suggest seeking out an anger management therapy group or a dialectical behavior therapy group. Either approach would help you learn to regulate your emotions. Another option would be to find an individual therapist with the goal of learning how to react to problems in a new way. You don’t have to be abusive to avoid being victimized.

You made an important first step in writing to PsychCentral. Now please follow through and get the help you need. Your wonderful husband deserves better. Your child needs you to be a role model for handling difficult feelings in a constructive way. And you need to find a way to cope with your feelings that lets you also like yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie