Q. At some point I stopped totally, my thoughts started to go through everything. I got more involved in politics, world issues and general stuff that has to do with the universe where things get too much that I’m not able to handle it anymore.
I started being aware (self conscious) of each and every move. All of a sudden things started to matter differently. What others think of me started to make a difference not like I’m afraid of being judged but more like needing to them to have the exact image I have for myself. Now I started worrying about things before doing them that I mess it up when it’s time even my hands jerk weirdly sometimes.
It was thought anxiety and I was prescribed xanax which made it even worse especially when I was done with it. And in fact it isn’t an answer to get used to tablets where one needs to resolve the problem. I consulted another dr. but they all tend to give medications and I know I was way different before so it will not be the answer.
I have to say that I think thoroughly even when I walk that I wonder if is should go onwards or backwards and what difference does it make.
I used to be very spontaneous and into things without thinking in detail. I don’t have interest in anything whatsoever anymore and whenever I set goals to start working and do step one I always get the feeling that I have been doing this forever even though I have barely started. I for example walk for one day and have this feeling that I have been walking for a month. I also don’t believe in my abilities anymore, I underestimate myself and others thinking that we all can make not even one difference to the world around.
I’m not sure I hate people but whenever there are social gatherings I feel attacked. Even walking in the street to work and sensing people stare (noting that in the place where I live people give themselves the right to stare and judge). On the other hand, I’m blunt, defensive and tagged with aggressive and the kind of person no body wants to mess with.
I take out my anger on others that I feel comfortable with only two friends, I don’t know if this is displacement. And I sometimes quit talking to everyone for a while but this isn’t nice nor normal. Sometimes I reverse my sleep to wake up when everyone else is asleep so to avoid contacting anyone even at home.
I have no passion in anything anymore and I always feel like ‘what takes the end too long?’ and I know miracles don’t happen and I need to do something but I don’t seem able to set new goals because I don’t have anything to look forward to. It’s like it’s all been said and done before and what’s with the sickening repetition. I search and try to find something that I can put my heart to but it doesn’t work.
So basically, I’m angry, messed up and can’t take it anymore what I used to be capable of handling, I can help resolve others troubles but not mine. I always feel worn out though I sleep 12-14 hours a day and sometimes none and I also lost my creativity and wit. I don’t want you to conclude to “this is normal” knowing that I live in the middle east. but I do.