You have lived through many traumas. It’s difficult to imagine what this must have been like for you. At the very least, you are probably living with post traumatic stress disorder and possibly other disorders. The best that you can do now, for both you and your child is to find a good therapist who you like and stay in therapy.
Your history of treatment, as per your letter, has been inconsistent. You said that even when you were very young, after completing a treatment program successfully you felt better so you stopped taking your medication. It is very common for individuals to stop treatment after he or she feels better. People usually think “I feel better. The treatment must have worked so I don’t need it anymore, I am fixed.” Usually people say that they feel okay temporarily after stopping treatment but then the same problem that led him or her to seek help begins to reemerge. It is always a bad idea to make the decision to end treatment on your own, without consulting your doctor.
You need to be consistent and remain in treatment no matter how good you feel, at least until you’re absolutely certain the treatment is no longer needed. Based on your letter, you are far from this point. I make this assertion for two reasons. Not long ago, you were engaged in a relationship with a man who hurt you for his pleasure and you also recently lost custody of your child.
Your child needs a parent who is mentally stable and emotionally healthy. If your child witnesses you acting erratically or behaving in an out-of-control manner, he or she is likely to mimic this behavior. Your child may come to emulate your reaction to situations and begin to act this way on his or her own. This is why you need to make a commitment to helping yourself and getting yourself mentally well. This may take time, in fact it may take years but it is something that you absolutely need to do. It starts with getting yourself into counseling with a therapist who you like and who is skilled in therapy and then staying in treatment. That is how you begin working to help yourself to regain custody of your child. Please keep me updated about how you are doing. I wish you luck.