In the midst of your confusion, you are at the core an honorable man. You’re at least thinking about the effect on the kids if you were to leave. This is not the time to make such an important decision. You and your wife are under enormous stress. You are in the midst of establishing a stepfamily. You are dealing with the chaos that a new baby brings to any young couple. And you are in the military at a time when the job is risky and often unappreciated. Of course you and your wife are fighting a bit. She’s sensitive to the fact that you aren’t all there. Of course an uncomplicated old love looks great to you. That woman’s attention and care is totally on you That doesn’t mean it’s right. It only means that you are tired, maybe feeling a little neglected, and weren’t prepared for what making a family so quickly really means.
You’re not alone. Most young couples aren’t prepared for the upheaval that a new baby brings. The baby’s needs take priority. In your case, I would guess that the two older kids have become more demanding too. That puts you fourth in line for your wife’s attention. Presumably, being an adult, you can put your own needs aside for awhile until things settle down again. Presumably, you can be the man of the house that the whole family desperately needs right now to help get it settled down.
The honorable thing to do is to step up and turn your attention to your wife and your children. Partner with your wife to spread out the children’s needs between you. Give your overworked and probably hormonally challenged wife extra love and care. Stop the conversations with the old flame. Chances are your wife will relax and you will start to feel the satisfaction that comes with doing a difficult job well. Chances are that if you start giving more love and attention to your family, you’ll start getting more in return. (P.S. Things often become a bit easier once the baby is 3 months old.)
I wish you well.