You and your husband are both avoiding important problems by creating others. It seems to me that your husband has issues with work and self-esteem. Unable to do what he needs to do, he instead focuses on what you and the kids should do. Lacking authority in the world, he compensates by being the boss at home and makes everyone else miserable in the process.
Meanwhile, you have somehow forfeited your right to be part of the executive team in your household. Family finances, who works and how much, childcare arrangements, how to discipline children, etc. are all team decisions. Perhaps you have issues with self-confidence or with asserting yourself. By avoiding a confrontation, you are turning over all decision-making to your husband and then resenting him for how he does it.
I’m glad you two are back in counseling. I hope you are not talking about “backing him up.” Under the circumstances, you shouldn’t. Instead, you two need to be talking about how to become a true team and how to make a healthier home environment for your children. Inevitably, this kind of conversation will also include a discussion of just why it is that your husband can’t take on his share of the responsibility for providing for the family and why you can’t take on your share of the responsibility for deciding how your family should operate. I hope you will find ways to support each other in making changes so that you can both feel better.
I wish you well.