Q. It sounds so crazy so why do i do it? Is it like another personality? I’ve never done it before and he’s the only one i do this with.(for like 2 years now) Would it have anything to do with the fact my father died 3 years ago when i was 16 and i never dealt with it because I couldn’t and still can’t.Like every time the emotions almost get to the surface a wave washes over me and it goes away no matter how hard i try to make it stay. Or maybe because my mother was untreated for her bi-polar and very abusive(emotionally,mentally and physically) through my whole childhood. She had alot of bf who lived with us. Bad guys.A drunk, a felon and a drug addict. They all had really violent tempers. One time her boy friends cut his chest open right in front of me. I was like 7. I’m afraid one of these men may have sexually abused me? I’m not sure but it freaks me out a great deal.I’m married and sex scares me. I feel so dirty. Also I feel EXTREMELY “dissociated” ALL the time. I just want to feel normal. Feel real. Why can’t I keep one train of thought for longer than a few seconds? Why do i get so emotionally overwhelmed that i cut myself?I do it to punish myself for being “bad” and also as a cry for help. Why is my memory so bad. Short and long term. Like things are missing. Why do i hide all these things and try my best to appear normal? Why am i so good at it? I feel so out of control on the inside but the outside i seem so normal.I get so depressed I have a hard time holding up my own body and I impulsivley eat. I have gained 20 pounds in 2 years and i hate it! I hate my body.(my mother had an eating disorder and used to pick on my weight growing up even though I wasn’t fat) I know I’m not really fat but what i see and what i feel say i am.(I don’t see what others see) Why do i push people away and then think they don’t love me? Why am I so dependent on my husband? Even things that i should do for myself! When i actually realize the way i act sometimes. I’m so ashamed.Why am I so anxious and CONSTANTLY worrying about everything?The smallest things I imagine the worst possible thing that could happen. Why am I so paranoid? Why are all my dreams about terrible things happening to me or the people closest to me? Why do i jump at every little thing? Is it possible for this madness inside me to stop? I go for an evaluation on Wednesday and I’m so scared of what I might hear or be told. I know its for the best. I don’t want to be like my mother. I know that there is no possible way anyone reading this can have the answers to the questions I’m asking but any insight would be very calming.I have control over myself in all the things mentioned above. Well for the most part. I try really hard. Sometimes i feel as if I’m hanging on by a thread. Any thoughts you may have will help.Why Do I Talk Like a Baby To Husband?
Why Do I Talk Like a Baby To Husband?
You said that you talk to your husband like a baby but you did not elaborate further. When does this occur and how much? Does he tell you that you do this but you do not remember? Are you consciously aware of this behavior?
The reason I am asking these questions is because there are cases of individuals with dissociative identity disorder (DID) (formerly multiple personality disorder) who have engaged in similar behavior. I am familiar with a case of a client who used to call her therapist late at night and talk to him as if she were a very young child. It was not her pretending to be someone else, she had no idea that this behavior was occurring. Psychologically, the client actually became this separate child-like personality.
If your situation is similar you could be suffering from DID. DID is thought to occur in individuals who have experienced severe trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse. You mentioned that you have endured several traumas in your life (e.g. abuse, losing a parent) and acknowledge that you are unable to cope with these past traumas. You also said you feel “extremely dissociated.” You say that you have gaps in your memory. These are all possible signs of DID.
Please know that from your letter alone, I could never know if you suffer with DID but you do seem to meet some of the diagnostic criteria.
I am glad to hear that you are being evaluated to explore this further. The reality is that this is a complicated situation and you will need assistance from mental health professionals and support from other concerned family members.
Another concern is that you seem to be on the verge of losing control. You’re also anxious and jumpy. You’re essentially living in constant fear. This way of living cannot be easy or pleasant.
You are making the right move to seek help. During the evaluation be sure that your treatment plan includes some form of therapy. Medication will likely help you, especially with your anxiety, but it’s also important that you have a therapist who can teach you more effective life coping skills. Thanks for writing and I wish you luck. Please consider writing back and letting me know how your evaluation went and how you are doing. Take care.