Your mind is sounding an alarm and you’re not listening. No one ever stopped a fire by ignoring a smoke detector. You’re not going to get better by hiding your symptoms from yourself and your doctor or by lying to your wife. It’s time to get some quality help.
I’m really, really sorry you are going through such a terrible time. I’m also quite worried about your health. I don’t think this has anything to do with experimenting with drugs when you were a kid. I do think you should make an appointment with your doctor immediately. Yes, you could have a mental illness. But from what you’ve written, my best guess is that the problem is physical.
The first step is to have a complete medical work-up, being as honest with your doctor as you have been with me. Delusions can be caused by such things as an underactive thyroid, a vitamin deficiency, an electrolyte imbalance, auto-immune diseases, heart trouble, or a brain tumor, to name only a few possibilities. You are also sleep-deprived. I don’t know if the lack of sleep is partly causing your symptoms or if your other symptoms are keeping you from sleep but, either way, the bottom line is that you’re not getting anywhere near enough restorative sleep. That’s probably contributing to your distress as well.
If you don’t think your family doctor is a good diagnostician, ask for a referral to a good diagnostic clinic or arrange to go for a second opinion from someone with a reputation for thoroughness. (In fairness to your own doctor, you didn’t give him enough information for him to make a correct diagnosis. He may be able to be more helpful if you do.)
I do understand that it’s scary to feel so out of control and mystified about what is happening to you. But once you have a diagnosis, you’ll be able to take some action. You and your family deserve better. Having some direction is often the first step to getting there.
I wish you well.