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She can’t accept her boyfriend’s child

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I been with my boyfriend for 3yrs and he has a kid that is 4yrs old. Right now I was face with the issue that the mom of his kid is taking him to child support and thats really getting me angry. I just feel that if I get married with him, that we going to have money arguments because his monthly income half will go to his son and I have to make up the money that he doesnt have enough for rent, bills and we going to be face with the problem that we still need to spend money on the kid when we have him at the house. I feel that this is going to stress me out.

I feel really mad at the fact at his kid because me and my boyfriend had an accident and I got pregnate but he made me had an abortion because he has a kid. I told him that I dont want his kid in my life and that I dont want to deal with his problems with child support because its a mistake he did in the past and I dont feel I should pay for his mistakes too. I love him but its so hard to accept his kid. I really love him and i wish he never had a kid and I feel that I will be happier. Please help me, I dont know what to do?

She can’t accept her boyfriend’s child

Answered by on -

A.

However much you wish your boyfriend didn’t have a past, he does. The little boy is an innocent child, not a “kid” who is to blame for his very existence. It sounds like your boyfriend is taking his financial responsibilities for his child seriously, showing that he is much more mature than you are.

However much you love each other, your boyfriend’s feelings for his child are (and should be) longer and deeper than his feelings for you. If you truly love this man, you must stop asking him to choose between you and the child he fathered. You must find a way to open your heart to the little boy and to forge a cooperative relationship with his mother. He needs his father in his life and he needs all the grownups to act grown up so that he has positive role models and the love he needs to grow emotionally healthy.

Your boyfriend didn’t “make you” have an abortion. You made a decision to end your pregnancy. You may regret it. You may be saddened by it. But you do need to take responsibility for your part in the decision and stop displacing your anger onto the child who does exist. It’s long past time for you to let go of the bitterness you express in your letter. If you continue to resent this child and the financial support the child deserves, your relationship will inevitably end.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

She can’t accept her boyfriend’s child

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). She can’t accept her boyfriend’s child. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/03/26/she-cant-accept-her-boyfriends-child/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.