You’ve had hard, hard losses at a very young age. I’m very sorry for all the pain. It’s not fair that you are an orphan so young. It’s sad and angry-making that every holiday is only another reminder of how alone you feel. I do understand. Really. But I hope in the midst of the sadness of this day you can be open to another possibility. As hard as the last few years have been I also think you were blessed to have a mother and father you loved and who loved you even if they didn’t like each other very much.
You have been so deep in your sadness, that you haven’t been able to feel how much they are with you every minute of every day. Please ask yourself what your mom and dad would want for you if we were talking to them now. My guess is that they would of course be moved that you miss them so much. But, because they are your parents and they do love you, they would also want you to be able to move on in your life and find happiness again. They certainly would be deeply saddened to see you hating yourself and hurting yourself. They would be proud of you for writing your letter and for looking for help when you need it.
From what you told me, I do think you need someone to help you get back in touch with the caring parents you carry inside you. A counselor can teach you how to get very quiet so you can feel your parents’ love and remember important things they told you. With each day that passes, you get a little older and a little more able to understand some of the things that happened in new ways. If you listen with your heart, really listen, you can still “hear” your mom and dad. They can still help you. I know it’s not as good as having them with you in person but they really are there if you know how to look for them.
If there is a counselor at your school, please tell her or him what you’ve told me or share this letter. If that feels too hard, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 800 273 TALK. There are counselors there 24/7 who know what it’s like to feel as you do and who can give you support and help when everything seems hopeless.
I wish you well.