Q. I still struggle with anorexic and bulimic tendencies, though I am back to a healthy weight and have entered counseling, though I feel she doesn’t understand me too well, and is often emotional and shocked as I disclose more of my childhood. I feel I have no will power anymore, I cannot lose weight. I used to weigh 6 stone (84 lbs.), but now weigh 8 stone (112 lbs.) at 5’5. It’s heaviest I have ever been and it is destroying me.
Anyway, I dissociate frequently, loosing short term memory, and feeling not present and in a fog. My childhood is patchy and blurry. I suffer flashbacks of body memories and sometimes nightmares. Since July last year, all I have thought about is what happened to me, and all the effects around it. I cannot get these thoughts out of my mind. I often feel I am going insane and often talk to myself. I hardly leave the house and have no real friends that I see often. I am so isolated. I hardly ever feel emotions, I am numb and empty all the time.
I have a great life in front of me, I have so much to give, but feel my childhood traumas are holding me back as I cannot do anything without feeling I have failed. I am scared of another attack, so much that I just don’t take risks. Worst of all, everyone thinks I am coping well, that I have recovered from my eating disorder, that I have stopped the self harming, and that I can move on now.
I can’t show emotion to anyone. I feel a fake, I laugh and smile, but in the background all I think about is what he did to me. I have one close friend, who is mentioned above, and she is a mother figure for me. Yet I cannot trust her and push her away. I just think she will leave me. She has stuck by me and is a great friend, but I feel ever so fed up. I am sorry that was so long, I will also mention I suffer from depression and am on medication for it. I would like some advice, thank you, hope you can respond to this.Don’t Trust My Therapist or My Best Friend: Any Advice?
Don’t Trust My Therapist or My Best Friend: Any Advice?
Since I was unclear about any specific questions you may have had, I’ll try to answer your general inquiry. It certainly seems that you are struggling. What is good about your situation is that you have made an effort to go to therapy and you have a friend who seems genuinely to care about your well being. These two aspects of your life are very positive and important. It likely will be these two key components that will facilitate your healing process.
You said that you feel that your therapist does not know you well. This may be because you are not ready to be fully open with her. Some part of you may not feel comfortable “letting her in” because of your fear. Probably this is the same fear that you have regarding your friend, that she will hurt you or leave you. Concerning your feelings toward your therapist, the possibility also exists that the two of you are a mismatch or she is not a good therapist. If this is the case, you should consider a new therapist.
Your friend has stuck by you this far and it’s certainly possible and likely that she will continue. Until you begin to feel better and gain more control over your life, it’s important to focus on therapy and focus on yourself. All you can do now is attend treatment, make a true effort to recover (it sounds as if you are) and be patient.
I am assuming that based on what you have written you are just beginning therapy. If this is the case then you have barely begun your work. It seems like your childhood was very traumatic and this needs to be worked through to the point where it no longer stunts your growth as an adult. The process of healing likely will take years and it would be unrealistic to think otherwise. But you should expect with each therapy session to feel a little better.
I am not sure if I answered your question to your satisfaction but if you have a more specific question you want answered, feel free to write again and I will try to answer it for you. Take care.