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Our sex life has disappeared

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I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years. We dated 3 years long distance, before she moved in with me 6 months ago. We both love each other, but our sex life has disappeared. We used to have sex 4 or 5 times a week, now only maybe once a week. It’s hard for me to turn her on, and she never makes a sexual move on me. She gets mad sometimes at me for always wanting sex, but I just always want to just please her. I have talked to her about being more affectionate sexually, but nothing ever changes. She knows I always want sex, or some type of sexual affection, but I feel I never get it. It seems like she doesn’t care about pleasing me. What can I do or say to make things change, before I have to find someone else to give me that type of affection.

Our sex life has disappeared

Answered by on -


You’ve been “dating” this woman since you were only 21 and the first three years were long distance. It sounds to me like this romance was working out better when it was mostly in your heads and on the phone or FaceBook, with occasional passionate weekends. Day to day reality is much, much harder. When people move in with each other, the romantic haze starts to evaporate and they see each other more clearly — for better and for worse. It does sound to me like you two are finding that you love each other as good friends but the romantic chemistry just isn’t there for the long run. Your girlfriend maybe doesn’t want to hurt you by telling you that her interest is cooling. But her lack of interest in sex is creating a situation where you will eventually call it quits. It’s nice of her that she is willing to look like the bad guy to spare your ego but it really isn’t necessary.

Neither one of you is at fault that this isn’t working out. You two just made the mutual mistake of thinking that the passion in visits meant that you were made for each other in a day to day way too. Instead of threatening to “find someone else,” it’s time you initiated a long overdue conversation so you two can let each other down kindly.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Our sex life has disappeared

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Our sex life has disappeared. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 20, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.