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Fiance Problems: What Should I Do?

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Q. Right at this moment I’m pretty upset. My boyfriend/fiance (27 years old) of five and a half years is really going through a hard time right now. He just lost his job due to a few different things. He has this wish that his mother and father would get back together. He always tells me about his childhood when they were all together as a family. His father was a marine and was a very respectable man, he has since left the marine corps after about 11 years in the service. He lives a horrible lifestyle, doing some pretty hard drugs and not worrying about his family at all. Totally opposite from the man he used to be.

His father recently was involved in a fight. It wasn’t really a fight, he was jumped by six men. He suffered some head wounds and was pretty bruised up. My fiance was devisated and tried to get his father to go to the hospital and get some help, but he didn’t want to go. His father told my fiance that he shouldn’t worry about him, he can take care of himself and he should go back home up on his pedistol. He took an emergency vacation day from work the next day to gather his thoughts and proceeded to go to work the following day. A fellow employee was abusing a machine that my fiance is in charge of fixing and he had asked the man to stop. The other guy just told him to shut up, using some other choice words. Well, my fiance already being as upset as he was, said some things back to him and was let go of his position because of it. The other employee still works there, even though this man grabbed my fiance’s arm while telling him his choice words, which really makes my fiance angry.

Now that he is out of a job, he makes me feel bad for going to work. He said that I should quit and stay home to take care of our children. (One is his step-daughter who is 8, the other two are his biological children who are 2 and 7 months.) When I work, either my grandparents or his mother watches them, so they are well taken care of. I work to help support the household so that everything isn’t left for him to take care of and to relieve some of his stress. But he told me today that me working and him knowing that I don’t have the kids with me brings stress to him while he was working and that was a part of why he was fired. So he’s blaming a part of losing his job on me.

After he got fired from his job he had an asthma attack because he was pretty upset. When they gave him an EKG, they told him that he had an irregular result and has to see a heart specialist. This has the both of us worried, so this is on his mind as well.

In the past, he’s had a bad relationship that I think he is still feeling in some way. Not that he likes the girl, but what she did to him, he still suffers from today. She cheated on him and was pregnant when she met him. When she left him she told him the child wasn’t his, and stole his car and really messed with his emotions. He doesn’t open up to me the way he would if he wouldn’t have had to go through that relationship.

We have been together for five and a half years and I feel like everything we’ve built together is about to be pulled out from under me. He recently told me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. That most of what has happened to him with losing his job is my fault. I’ve researched depressed person’s and it say’s that sometimes people say things they don’t mean when they’re depressed. I told him that I knew he was going through a pretty hard time right now and that I loved him with all my heart and I was here for him. I explained that I didn’t want him to go through anything alone. He should have as much support right now as he can possibly get, but I feel pushed away more and more, by the looks he gives me sometimes, and from what he just comes out and says.

In the past he has told me to leave and I have left, just to give him some space. By the end of the night he is calling me asking me to come back home. But I don’t want to leave him now, when he needs people by his side the most. I’m not sure if this is what he really wants, or if he’s saying it just out of anger and how upset he is right now because of everything that is going on in his life right now. I’m trying to be his support but its like he doesn’t want me anymore. During the day the other day he was saying that if he didn’t have kids he would just take his life so he can leave this world behind and float with the stars. (Those were his exact words.) I wasn’t home at the time because I was taking our kids to his mother’s house so that they wouldn’t see him upset. When I got back home he wasn’t home and I was scared because I didn’t know where he was, and he was talking about killing himself. (He’s told me that he’s tried suicide in the past.) I called him on his cell phone but he didn’t answer for a good 2 hours. I got into my car and searched all over town for him, calling everyone I possibly could to find him, with no luck. I decided to go back home and wait for him and I was there for about 10 minutes before he pulled up. When he came into the house, he asked me what I was doing there. He told me that he didn’t want me there. I explained that I wasn’t leaving him alone in his time of need. I was going to be there for him and give him my love and support. He didn’t fight it so I stayed, the kids slept over his mom’s house that night. We took a shower together and talked the next morning and it seemed like our relationship was ok for the time being.

The following day I took a half a day at work so that I could come home and spend some time with him. We went to his mother’s house to talk to her and spend some time with her. His sister had called and asked if someone could pick her up from a friends house. She had said before she left that she had a ride home. So being that he had to go pick her up he was upset. We went home after dropping her off because he was upset again. On the way home he started to say that it would’ve made him happy if we would’ve already been married. He wants to get a court house marraige, and I want a small family wedding so that people can be there and have it feel like a real union, then something they do quick at a court house. He then told me, “Just forget it because I don’t even want to marry you anymore.” I didn’t say a word, but teared up and just turned my head so that he didn’t see. That night he fell asleep on the couch and I was on the bed. When I woke up he was next to me. The next day we talked in the morning like our relationship was ok again. We made plans for him to pick me up from work after he had his resume updated by a professional so that he can get a better job than the one he lost. We did go out for lunch and talked about buying a house with the money we have saved and our income tax checks put together. Then he dropped me back off at work. Due to the stress of everything I forgot who was supposed to pick my daughter up from school and the school had called him saying she was waiting there and no one picked her up. (I was still at work) Usually it’s either the neighbor or I that pick her up. He got upset and stated that he didn’t want to be with me.

While driving my daughter to her grandparents house he was talking to his sister who was also in the car. He was telling her that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. We have a nice high school in our area and he wants all the kids to go there, but told her that he doesn’t know if he can stay with me that long, and he wasn’t sure that I was they type of girl for him anymore. I didn’t call him and bother him knowing that it would just cause more of an arguement, so I left him alone to breathe. That is why I am writing this now. I am at my grandparents house with my older daughter now wondering what I should do. Thinking about what my next step should be. Should I stay and try and help him out? One moment he wants to be with me, the next he doesn’t. It seems like he only says that he doesn’t want to be with me so that he doesn’t take anything out on me when he’s angry, but then again I don’t know. He wants me there sometimes, but other’s he doesn’t. I don’t know what to do.

Fiance Problems: What Should I Do?

Answered by on -

A.

This is a complex situation concerning multiple issues. Your family is under a great deal of stress. It is difficult to know how much of your fiancé’s erratic behavior is due to the stress that he is under or if the way he acting is a reflection of his true personality.

I am concerned about your fiancé and several aspects of your relationship. Starting with him, he is depressed, is experiencing current stressors, has suicide ideation (thoughts of suicide) and has a history of suicide attempts. His behavior also tends to be unpredictable. These symptoms are troubling precisely because they put him at an increased risk for suicide. Please know that these symptoms cannot accurately predict who might attempt suicide. I bring this to your attention because individuals who display the abovementioned symptoms have to be watched over a little more closely than those without these symptoms. If you feel that he may be in danger of attempting suicide, bring him to the hospital or call a mental health crisis team immediately. It’s also best to inform him that if he threatens to hurt himself you will be taking this type of action.

Regarding your relationship, your fiancé says one thing and then does another. He is constantly telling you and others that he no longer wants to be with you oftentimes right after he tells you he wants to marry you. He blames you for things that are seemingly not your fault. He requests that you quit your job for no good reason. He is emotionally abusive. He is not interacting with you in a healthy way. It’s unfair and hurtful. I cannot tell you whether or not you should stay with him but a therapist would be able to help you sort through what is best for you and him at this time. Again, as I mentioned above it is difficult to tease out why he is acting this way. Is it due to stress or is this how he behaves in relationships? All of these abovementioned issues, especially his depression require the help of a well-trained therapist.

You should suggest that he see a therapist. He could see a therapist for individual counseling or you could suggest that both of you see a therapist together for couples counseling. If he is not interested in therapy consider going yourself for support and advice on how to deal with current life stresses.

The issues you and he are currently facing are so complex. It would be extremely beneficial for your relationship to have an outside, neutral, third party involved, a person that both of you could go to for advice. You need intervention from someone who is trained to deal with these exact issues. Also, it’s important that these issues are resolved before you consider getting married. Without a resolution, these problems will likely continue and may even turn into something worse. Take care.

Fiance Problems: What Should I Do?

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2018). Fiance Problems: What Should I Do?. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/01/15/fiance-problems-what-should-i-do/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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