I’am a hard working, honest, loyal, highly romantic and apparently love too much husband and father of two beutiful little girls. I need to express my love without limitations, or fear of “pushing to hard”. My borderline wife, however can’t handle too much love and affection from me. She seems to forget the two affairs and the ten years of hell she put me through. This diagnosis of BPD actually gave me a lot of hope and gave me understanding of how she could do those things to me. It seems like I can’t discuss any of my feelings or express my needs without it becoming a possible marriage ending fight.
I thought we were on an upswing on New Years eve. Then I brought up the desire to “start off the new year right” by making love. Apparently that was “pushing too hard” since we made love the night before, after two weeks of no sex. As far as the studies say, the happiest couples have sex (I like to make love) three to four times a week. I know that is too much to ask of her right now, but I have needs to. So instead of starting the new year with love, we had a fight. 2008 is looking great so far!(obvious sarcasm). How do I deal with the ups and downs of her BPD and be able to express my needs without it becoming a federal case? I do love her, but I don’t know how much more I can take.Wife has BPD but I have needs too.
Wife has BPD but I have needs too.
I think you are asking the right questions but you’re asking the wrong therapist. Your wife’s therapist would be far more helpful. A patient with BPD generally needs to learn to manage emotions and to become more empathic with others. Since you are the kind of stand up guy who will go through thin and thin (obvious bad attempt at humor) to keep a marriage together, I think you deserve some solid help. Your wife’s therapist knows techniques to help both of you. Get on the treatment team so that you and your wife can be working together to make a marriage that takes into account both of your needs. You two need to develop a way to communicate besides fighting when she is feeling pressured and you are feeling disappointed. Please don’t resist the idea of seeing a counselor. If you could have solved your problems on your own during the last 10 years, you would have done so long ago.
Incidentally, there are no rules for how frequently a couple needs to have sex to be happy. What matters is that both partners agree that they’ve got the right balance for them. This is one of the many things you would talk about with your counselor.
I wish you well.