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His sister is dating his friend.

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I have been having an issue with my little sister for the past year now. She started dating a good friend of mine and I was against it right from the start. In the very beginning I made it clear I was not ok with it and set down some guidelines to make sure that if they did date that it wouldn’t affect me too much. The guidelines were mostly about my sister not coming around to where I was with my friends and my friend not coming around to things I was doing with my family.

Every second week or so they manage to forget what I said that and show up at places I ask them not to. After over a year of them dating I have lost all the support of the people who felt my feelings were justified in the beginning, continue to be told I need to talk to a therapist and that I should just let it go.

For whatever reason I can’t seem to stop being angered by them butting into my life. All I ever really ask is that my sister not be around my group of friends, especially when I want to be with them. This has been hurting my relationship with my mom as well as my girlfriend. I argue with both about how they need to stop taking my sister’s side and support the fact that I am in a really bad position. I would really prefer to not have a problem with it and move on but even when I try it still gets to me to the point that I just give up.

I want to know if I’m crazy for thinking that I have any right to ask them to respect my wishes about this. I don’t really have a problem with them being together, I just don’t like losing the separation between my family life and my social life. How do I convince everyone that I am seriously affected by this, and how do i get them to listen and help me?

His sister is dating his friend.

Answered by on -

A.

I’m sorry this is such an issue for you. You didn’t say how much younger your sister is but since you are in your 20’s I’m guessing she is at least in her late teens. Since you are all young adults, you really have no right to lay down guidelines for your sister and your friend. You can certainly state your preferences but you don’t have final say. If your friend were dating anyone else, it would only be usual to welcome his girlfriend into your (and his) circle of friends. If that’s such a problem for you, all you can do is talk with the two of them and see if you can negotiate some kind of compromise where you give as much as you ask for.

I can’t help but wonder why you are needing such a clear separation between your family life and social life. Everyone is entitled to privacy but you seem to be taking it to an extreme. Since your sister apparently doesn’t share your need to do so, I am guessing that both your family and friends are decent people. Why do you need to make an issue of keeping them apart? Are you ashamed of either? Are you doing things in either area of your life that the other would disapprove of or would criticize you for? Are you insecure about your identity, your image, or your decisions about how you live your life? If any of these guesses is even a bit true, maybe you do need to see a therapist to sort things out.

I may not understand the total situation. But from what you told me, you need to get more comfortable with having the people who care about you know something about each other. If you don’t, you risk damaging the relationship with your sister and your good friend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

His sister is dating his friend.

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). His sister is dating his friend.. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/11/27/his-sister-is-dating-his-friend/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.