I have been married to my husband now for 5 years. 3 years ago he confided in me and told me he was molested by his uncle. We never really talked about it but since then I thought he was bisexual or gay. We would have sex with a dildo and never without it. He would suck it like I would him which I didn’t think straight men would do. Hhe wants me to do him in the rear with it. Mind you we only recently started having sex again because I was pregnant and he wouldn’t have sex with me. Almost 2 years. Now he tells me of a situation that occurred at work— he was getting showered and dressed when he thought it would be funny to put his you know what in a coworkers face. He did and the guy jumped up supposedly and now all the guys at work are ragging on him — I don’t blame them.

Also after all this I was looking in his phone and saw he text messaged a friend a picture of his penis. What is that about?? Being that I think he is gay the situations that are arising are only confirming my thoughts. If he is how do I get him to come out of the closet? I mean I am not happy with the way our relationship is going and asked him to seek counseling with me and he says no — so I go alone for the sake of our marriage but is it really worth trying to save if I am not down with what I uncover?

Sincerely confused.

A: You are right to be very concerned. I don’t know whether your husband is gay or straight. I do know that he is very troubled and confused around sexuality. Sometimes when people have been abused, they are compelled to re-enact the abuse, over and over, in an attempt to master the situation and have it come out differently. My guess is that he is feeling out of control of his behavior and that it may even be scaring him. He knows that he is risking his job, his friendships, and his marriage if he keeps it up.

Now that your husband has gotten into trouble at work, he may be more motivated to seek some help. Please share this reply with him. Let him know that he is not alone in reacting to abuse many years later. My best suggestion is that he should be seen by a therapist who has experience with childhood sexual abuse and post traumatic stress disorder. You could ask your therapist for a referral.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie