Q. I am twenty-five years old, single and no children. I was evaluated by a doctor and told that I have Bipolar Disorder 1 and Social Anxiety about two years ago. I tried medication (Equetro) for about four months, but the guilt from the knowledge of this illness, lack of support from my family (they call it crazy medicine) and sleepiness from the medication; I stopped taking Equetro. I thought that the medication would mess me up more than what has already been damaged. I was in a three year relationship with a male, in which I found out at our breakup and his hospitalization that he was Bipolar; this relationship was abusive (verbally, mentally and semi-physically) 2000-2003. I am not quite sure where this illness originated from and in all do respect my father who has been in and out of my life has some of the signs of Bipolar.
Throughout life, I have had difficulty with my memory, retaining extensive vocabulary words and definitions, comprehension, concentration, addictions (drugs, sex, liquor and gambling, mood swings and violence.) I have been clean from drugs for six months, I had been absent from sex for nine months with one two week encounter, minimum social drinks when I party and that is rarely, and cut back on gambling, because I cannot afford it.
I get very depressed and fatigued very often (4 out of seven days). I cannot hold a job, good relationships or develop meaningful friendships. Sometimes I feel like people are always talking about me or judging me. I hate being like this, all I want is to be healed. I have gotten better since I found out what the cause of my actions was, but I am still not satisfied. I have been in college for seven years and still no degree. I am very intelligent, but allow social phobias, bad choices and acceptance to stunt my growth for the ultimate success goals that I have in mind. I want to be a real esate investor and an actress, but socializing, self-esteem and confidence are not my best friends at this present time.
I cannot let go of my past failures, family issues (my mother being in a 20+ adulterous relationship in which the man pushed her children away.) I currently stay with my grandparents in which throughout the years had been hell. I was forced to be a baby sitter, illegal lottery girl and store cashier at the age of 8 until 16 when I refused to do so any more. I guess I just grew up too fast. I want to be released from all of this misfortune. I know I have written a lot, but I wrote it so that you can better understand me and give me the advice necessary to move forward. Please help.Bipolar Challenge
Thank you for your detailed letter. From what I can tell, you need to be in treatment with either a doctor or a therapist. Bipolar disorder is a disorder that needs to be managed and closely monitored by one if not both of the aforementioned mental health professionals. If you do not want to take medications then try seeing a therapist.
It seems as though you have never really had any positive role models or much support from your family. You were probably left on your own to fend for yourself emotionally having no one around to help you learn how to balance your behavior, thoughts, feelings and emotions. It would help explain why now you are so disregulated and have problems overindulging in such activities as gambling, and so forth.
It is more complicated than this of course but it did not help that your family life was remarkably unstable. Your family still does not support you today as evidenced by how they reacted to you taking medication and finally getting help for yourself. You need to garner support from people who are not your family since they do not seem to support the idea of you getting help for your bipolar disorder. My advice is to find a therapist who you feel comfortable meeting with. I would also suggest going back to the doctor and consider taking medication as this will help you at least regulate your mood. But if you are not interested in medication I can well understand this but would still strongly recommend that you consider therapy. It would be unwise for you to continue trying to manage this illness by yourself. I hope this helps.