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I like my best friend who is also female.

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Q: I am a 21 yr old female and I am having sexual thoughts about my best friend who is 41 and she’s also a female. She is married and has 2 kids my age. We’ve helped each other through a lot of tough times and I love her as a friend but now I’m feeling deeper thoughts. What should I do? Is this normal? She’s a very affectionate person so it’s normal for her to hug you or call u sugar and stuff like that. It’s hard to be around her because all I can think about is her and me together. Should I confront her or is there something I can do to stop thinking about her this way? Please help.

I like my best friend who is also female.

Answered by on -


It sounds to me like you have a very deep affection for this person but that doesn’t necessarily have to mean attraction. She is much older than you and may play a role model position in your life in addition to being your friend. It can be quite normal to develop somewhat of a “crush” on someone so influential in our lives… it would be similar to when a client develops transference for their therapist (if you aren’t familiar with this concept it may be interesting to read about).

She is married and has children your age. I would lean toward not disclosing your deeper feelings at this time and see if you can work through them on your own. One thing that might help speed the process up is to find someone closer to your own age to date. If you become infatuated with someone else, it may help lessen the intensity of your feelings for her.

I can say looking back, that I had many crushes on people in my teens and twenties that never went anywhere and I never disclosed my feelings to that person. I can now say that I am glad I didn’t. Your feelings are not wrong or strange, but I would be careful how you handle them. Again, this is just my opinion but I hope it helps.

I like my best friend who is also female.

Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Dr. Holly Counts is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She utilizes a mind, body and spirit approach to healing. Dr. Counts received her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Wright State University and her Masters and Doctoral degrees in Clinical Psychology from Nova Southeastern University. Dr. Counts has worked in a variety of settings and has specialized in trauma and abuse, relationship issues, health psychology, women’s issues, adolescence, GLBT, life transitions and grief counseling. She has specialty training in guided imagery, EMDR, EFT, hypnosis and using intuition to heal. Her current passion involves integrating holistic and alternative approaches to health and healing with psychology.

APA Reference
Counts, H. (2018). I like my best friend who is also female.. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 23, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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