You are already taking the next step. You are facing up to your troubles and starting to think about what to do. There are very few mistakes that can’t be turned around. Since you are not writing to me from prison, it seems that whatever happened in 2002, it didn’t include murder. Death is the only thing that can’t be fixed.
You’ve just wasted 12 years of your own life. Okay. It could be 30 or 40. It’s your choice whether you are going to keep this up. My guess is that you are just over 30 years old. There’s still plenty of time to live a good life. I find it interesting that in 12 years together you never married your boyfriend. It seems that deep inside you’ve been telling yourself all along that maybe this isn’t what you want.
I’m very, very sorry that your boyfriend has so many mental and physical problems. He can’t be faulted for that. OCD and fibromyalgia can be miserable. But thousands upon thousands of people have the same illnesses and yet somehow don’t take advantage of someone they love. He can be faulted for not staying in treatment long enough to get better. He can be faulted for not staying in one place and not getting some kind of job so that he could get treatment. Yes, it’s very hard. Yes, he feels terrible much of the time. But many (actually most) sick people reach deep into themselves to find the strength and courage to work on getting better.
It’s time for you to take a deep breath and have a serious talk with yourself. Your boyfriend is unlikely to change. The only person you can change now is you. It’s time for you to be “self–ish” meaning taking time to think about what is good for yourself. Maybe you want to take a time out from the relationship and see how it feels.
Your boyfriend will undoubtedly be upset. You seem to be the only loyal friend he’s got. But that’s not your fault! Rather than get angry with you, he needs to face his own problems. He probably needs to try another hospitalization to get to the bottom of what is wrong with him and to get adequate treatment for it. (He needs to be “self-ish” too. He needs to care enough about himself to stop avoiding his issues, his family, and himself and get his life back together.)
It’s certainly time for you to have an honest talk with your family and to go for a long-overdue visit. Parental love is an amazing thing. Even when parents are disappointed and angry, most are also able to forgive and to offer some kind of help. Go humbly. Accept that they have reason to be as upset with you as you are with yourself. Then see if maybe they can help you figure out how to get back on track.
You have not ruined yourself yet. You are still young and can give yourself a second chance.
I wish both of you well.