You’ve already figured out several important things: Cutting doesn’t help. Having the privileges that other kids don’t have is no substitute for loving attention. Looking good on the outside isn’t enough when you’re hurting on the inside. Figuring all that out already shows me that you are a bright and insightful teen.
It sounds to me like you are still grieving your dad. Sadly, when you lost him, you also lost some of your connection with your mom. It could be that your mom can’t hear you out because revisiting old pain is too hard for her. Or maybe she just can’t stand it to think that everything isn’t okay with you. Whatever the reason, you do need some help dealing with your feelings and maybe healing your relationship with your mother.
Please think about talking with the school nurse and/or guidance counselor about what you’ve told me. You can use this letter as a way to bring up the issues. Ideally, they will be able to either help you themselves or will be able to refer you to a teen counselor who can help you and your mother talk to each other.
In the meantime, you can help yourself a lot by doing a little research on your computer. I google-searched “teens and grief” and found good information about what kids normally go through when a parent dies. If you read through some of the sites, you will feel more normal and you will perhaps find some ways to talk about what is bothering you that will help you get through to your mom.
I wish you well.