Q: I live with my grandparents. My father who I met for the first time a few years ago got his head bashed in by a baseball bat and is mentally retarded and my mother just doesn’t want me until I’m not there for her to yell at. Up until last year I lived with my mother and her boyfriends. All of her boyfriends were always abusive it seemed to be her only requirement. Anyway last year when I moved in with my grandparents that was the very first time I had met either of them and so it was hard for me especially since I am so shy. Anyway that’s my history. When I first moved in I saw a counselor and I have a hard time opening up to people so we usually sat in silence then she told me I as okay and didn’t need to come anymore. I feel like I’m not alright though. Sometimes one day I am happy and the next day I feel horrible and sad. I think about killing myself. I don’t like going out and hanging out with my friends and sometimes I make up lies to get out of it and I end up sitting at home alone. The friends I once admired I now loath when I am around them I constantly see flaws and am annoyed then I feel extremely guilty. If the way I feel is normal then maybe I should just kill myself. Anyway I thought maybe if I went back to the counselor and this time talked to her then maybe talking would make me normal. I brought this up 3 times with my grandma and she keeps saying she will set a date for me to see her but she spaces and I don’t know how to bring it up and let her know it means alot. I don’t like being emotional and I don’t want to show my grandma how much this means just how lame I am. How do I do this? Is what I feel normal? Cuz I sure hope not. At times it just hurts too much. Also I have alot of nervous habits such as washing my hands to the point where the skin starts peeling and it looks horrible. I excessively think the same thing over and over and over again. One big emotional type problem though is that most of the time I don’t know what I feel. It is like I’m void, I feel nothing. I hate it. I feel so emotionless and it’s like I don’t know what to do or what to feel. I just want help. I don’t know how to ask for it though. Maybe I’m just being overly dramatic and I need to just get over all of this by myself.How can I get through to Grandma and possibly fix whatever is wrong?
How can I get through to Grandma and possibly fix whatever is wrong?
I’m glad you wrote in and I hope you are feeling better by now. It sounds like you are going to have to work really hard at expressing yourself, not only to your counselor but to your grandparents and friends. You need to keep trying to reach out until you start feeling listened to. If your grandmother hasn’t yet made you another therapy appointment, I suggest you try to tell her that you feel really unhappy and confused and want to talk to the counselor about it. You may even consider making the appointment yourself and asking them if the time is ok and can they get you there. Or if that feels too bold, just find a time after school to suggest calling the therapist right then while you are together to schedule the appointment. Once you are there you have to tell her what’s been going on for you. Therapists can’t ever fully help someone if they don’t really know what you are thinking and feeling. If it’s hard to talk, I suggest keeping a journal then sharing that with her. Or you can ask to play her some songs that express how you have been feeling. Drawing or playing games while you talk can sometimes ease the tension enough so that you can open up more. Just keep trying things until you find something that works. It sounds like you have really been through a lot of changes and hurtful situations. You have good reasons to feel depressed but please don’t hurt yourself. Life really will get better. In a few years you will be on your own and can live wherever and with whomever you want. In the meantime, try to find some friends you can enjoy and some activities or causes to get involved with, such as sports or volunteering at the animal shelter. These things usually help us take our minds off our troubles and feel good about ourselves. I wish you the best of luck.