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Home » Ask the Therapist » Entitled Daughter won’t pay Rent.

Entitled Daughter won’t pay Rent.

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When my children graduate from school, I give them a 1000, one free year to live at home no matter what, but my hope is they will save money for school, car, travel something productive, but no matter it is their opportunity to make something of it.
My sons had no problems with this. The oldest, my daughter, is struggling. She doesn’t know what she wants to do, she has never managed to hold a job for more than a few months. She had a wonderful opporunity recently that fell apart because her boss was sexually inapropriate and she couldn’t continue working there. The company has offered her a job in another city, or will keep her on payroll until she finds something else. She is making very good money. fell apart.
The bigger problem is that it is over three years she has had things come up and not paid any rent, it is always something. I feel like I am not doing a good job as a parent always bailing her out, and letting her off the rent. I very much need the money and feel also like I am subsidizing her wardrobe and social life, rather than her preparing herself to be independant.
We agreed in Nov that she had to start paying the rent, she is four months behind. I offered her she could work 9 shifts in my store to catch herself up. She agreed she would work off the debt , but when I approached her with the schedule she fixed me with a look and walked out of the room. I tried to talk to her and ask what her plan is she left the house and spent the night at a friends. She in general remains cheerful unless I try and talk about her finding work or rent.I am feeling like she needs to face reality, she has no plans no skills refuses to start at the bottom or take a job beneath her, sleeps in stays out late doesn’t help around the house. She is making no moves to be independant or improve herself, and I honestly feel I am making a mistake bailing her out.

I find it hard to ask her to leave it seems abrupt, but she has the chance to go to her Dad’s. Her Dad will charge her the same rent, although he constantly is doing everything for the kids, drives them to work, waits in line for them at school, registers them all the things kids should do for themselves, gets them jobs, takes them on trips, has cars for them, and a houskeeper to clean their rooms. I am not very happy about some of this, but he just yes’s me, they aren’t allowed to even wash their dishes or clear the table, someone does it for them, they joke about not even being able to pour their own milk. It was like this when they were little they were not allowed chores, childhood was to be fun.He expected me to do it all, he refused to do chores, if I got behind he would be upset or take the kids to the movies to give me a break, and get caught up. I feel like tough love is in order, even if I know my husband will rescue her, he has been trying to get the kids to move in with him. He was very abusive emotionally to my daughter when she hit puberty, became very obsessed with her, wouldn’t let her out, followed her, enrolled her in classes and drove her there after school so she was never unoccupied, she had no peace, our marriage counsellor finally said I had to get her out of the home. He has finally earned her trust, and seems to accept her fine as an adult.I think I over compensated with her because I felt she needed help more after all that happened before I left. I am finding it hard to draw a line in the sand while feeling guilty for allowing her to nor be productive.

Entitled Daughter won’t pay Rent.

Answered by on -

A.

One of my good teachers used to say that if you just have to spoil something, get yourself a cat. Cats don’t have to grow up and be independent adults.
You and your former husband have cooperated in spoiling these children. Your daughter doesn’t take you seriously because your former husband never did when she was a child and you don’t now that she is an adult. Although you say all the right things, you stop short of expecting her to be a responsible adult. It’s a shame, but it sounds like if you do finally follow through, your ex-husband will pick up where he left off and still spoil her. I can only guess that he thinks he will lose the love of his children if he doesn’t do everything for them. Sadly, he doesn’t seem to understand that love can’t be bought with excessive coddling; certainly respect can’t be bought that way either. These kids will probably grow into entitled, demanding adults, unable to be in a relationship that requires give and take. Unless they have unlimited funds to buy off responsibility, they will be in deep trouble when their parents die or finally get fed up and cut them off. The most loving thing you and your ex-husband can do at this point is stop infantilizing these kids and let them grow up. You can’t make your ex-husband cooperate but you can show him this column. Just maybe he’ll respond. In the meantime, you can work on yourself. If you can’t bring yourself to stop the spoiling, please see a therapist to figure it out and to get yourself some support.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Entitled Daughter won’t pay Rent.

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Entitled Daughter won’t pay Rent.. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/04/21/entitled-daughter-wont-pay-rent/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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