The kindest interpretation I can make of your husband’s behavior is that he is terrified of going to Iraq. It appears that he has put his life on hold, has made himself stop caring about others, and has shut himself down emotionally. He has been in limbo for quite awhile. He certainly hasn’t been able to make long-term plans. So maybe he’s been afraid to commit to a job or to you or his children or even to himself. It may seem to him that it will be easier to leave if he can convince himself that he just doesn’t care.
On the other hand, you also tell me he doesn’t support his children, abuses you sexually, and that you had doubts about this marriage from the beginning – in which case maybe you made a very wrong choice for many wrong reasons. Maybe you thought that having someone to love would help you with your grief over your father’s death or your regrets over your first marriage. Maybe there is something going on with you that you feel you have to make everyone happy, even at the sacrifice of your own health and happiness.
If your husband is headed for Iraq in the next week, it’s too late to make significant changes in your marriage before he goes. Wish him well. But please take the time while he is away to find a counselor, preferably someone who is familiar with military families, to help you sort things out. Regardless of what you do with your marriage, you have some important personal work to do to get out of your depression, to make good decisions and to get on with your life.
I wish you well.