advertisement
Home » Ask the Therapist » I can’t get free of abusive boyfriend.

I can’t get free of abusive boyfriend.

Asked by on with 1 answer:

i met my boyfriend two yrs ago, and we have been together since.
> however, when i met him he was married,altho he claimed not happily. i feel very much in love with him and stayed in the as we grew closer and he also fell in love me. eight months into the relationship he told me he had an 8month old son.(i had asked about there being any children when we first met)its been a difficult 2 yrs for me dealing with his situation as he had only started saying something at home in july of 06 about him not being happy there. in oct of 06 he moved out of his house and into my apt with me and my 18yr old daughter. the wk before xmas he told me he was going home for a “few weeks” and “probably” would come back. and he told me this on text messaging. i was devasted. he didn’t discuss this with me just decided thats what he wanted to do. i was so hurt, angry, disappointed and felt betrayed. he was at work when he told me that on text mess. i brought he clothes to his house and told his wife about me, something he STILL had not done, even while he was living with me. we both thought it was over between us but after a few days we talked and admitted that we both still loved the other. he came back to live with me on new years eve.
> i was happy and felt that finally we were together, out in the open and headed in the right direction. he was acting alil distant after a short time and altho i asked him what was wrong he wouldn’t talk. i discovered he was soliciting himself on a website call “i want u.com” i was devastated again. i couldn’t believe that he was looking for “discrete sex” saying he was in a relationship but wanted alil something on the side. my heart was broken. i loved this man with all my heart, stayed with him thru everything and now he was looking to cheat on me. that nite i told him to leave. he went home to his wife. he kept calling me saying it was “nothing” that he did etc etc. that he loved me and wanted to be with me, same things he been saying all along that kept me staying with him and loving him. i bought us a house, asked him for no money but only to be sure that he wanted to be with me before i made such a huge purchase on something i couldn’t afford monthly by myself. he said he was sure, loved me wanted to spend his life with me. i bought the house. he moved in again a few wks ago. again he was acting shady, wouldn’t tell me why or what was wrong. and then i found out a day or two after he moved in with me he also took an apartment and was in the process of furnishing it. he never said a word to me and altho i knew what he was doing i kept quiet waiting to see how and when he would tell me. after two days he came home early from work, didn’ know i was home. i do believe he was just going to pack and go, however i was there and started asking and finally let on that i knew. he just packed and left. no explaintion. after 2 days he start to contact me sending me tms and calling. i explained in great details how hurt i was the lying to me, sneaking, deception he did and how w/o a reason left. he tried saying something about confict with his families etc. i reminded him the when in moved in the last time i wanted us to start couple therapy right away and he had refused. i told him that had he stayed we would work it out. now he wants to “date” me. and of course that i not date others. that blew my mind. i told him that our “dating” period was motel rooms for an hour here and there, and him sneaking out of his house on occasions. that i didn’t wait on him for two years (i didn’t date or go out ever) for us to be apart. while he was home with his wife he used to tell me all the time he couldn’t wait for us to finally be together. and to top it off, last weekend my friend saw his pic and profile on match.com. i comfronted him an d he again said that it didn’t mean anything(just like the other website). my heart is broken, my spirit is broken. i loved this man with all my heart and soul. trusted him always that he would never hurt me. i dont get why if he wants to be free, out dating that he just doesnt let me go. he calls says he loves me wants to be with me, but just live apart. i know for a fact he has asked about other women and made coments and i would be sure hes talking to the match.com memebers and probably meeting them.
> he says hes not. im sorry but his behavior does not indicate to me that he can be honest, trustworthy or monogamous. part of me wants to run get away from the hold he has on me. the other part wants to believe he does love me. my family and friends think im out of my mind that i have stayed this long, they get mad at me for taking him back time and time again, and for allowing not only the emotional hurt but also the financial situation he has put me in. im confused, hurt, unable to think straight, he doesn’t stop with his calls, promises, words of love. yet when i asked him to come back the other day, he said no he can’t. i
> dont know what to do anymore, what to think, i feel lost, disappointed, betrayed, used and also like a fool. now, he is saying to still be with him and we can go to couples therapy.
> i dont trust him. i think he will be out screwing around and still try to have his hold on me too.
> i have to add to all this i think he has a sex addication. he is definitely preoccupied with sex and needs it alot. also on that i wantu.com website he was looking for 3somes, group sex etc. he has asked me to attend swingers clubs and i have declined.
> so my question is…… do i stay or run and not look back.

I can’t get free of abusive boyfriend.

Answered by on -

A.

What a long and hard story! You know that you should have run long ago. All the people who love you have told you so. Your own good sense tells you as well. You aren’t going to change him. As much as you may love him, he seems incapable of honest, committed love. Every time you get close, he does something to put distance between you again. So why are you staying with this womanizer? Maybe you don’t feel you deserve better. Maybe you think that if you can pull him away from all his other love interests, you will have proven to yourself that you come first. Maybe you are scared to be “alone” when you are actually already alone in this relationship. People have all kind of bad reasons for staying in toxic relationships. I think you need to find yourself a therapist to help you understand yourself and to help you find the strength to get out from under this man’s spell. You’ve already wasted two years and too much of yourself on him. It’s time to move on.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
>
>
>

I can’t get free of abusive boyfriend.

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). I can’t get free of abusive boyfriend.. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 25, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/03/12/i-cant-get-free-of-abusive-boyfriend/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.