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Why would an old friend look me up just to hurt me?

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An old friend looked me up out of the blue. He lives in a different city..drove about an hour to see me. We haven’t seen each other for over a decade.
We had dinner, went to a party, and had a really great time together. He slept over and we spent the entire night talking and having sex. Which seemed like a really good thing.
He spoke about how he had had feelings for me for a long time and how happy he was that the whole situation was occuring. He spoke about how nice it would be for it to continue. He left, telling me that he was going to call me that night. He didn’t.
He emailed me a very brief email, with nothing as much as a “it was so great to see you” in it. I phoned him. No answer, no machine either. I text msg’d him, no answer. Then I emailed him once to ask him to call me. Nothing. So, I won’t contact him again and I did everything i could to open up all channels of communication.
A week and a half has passed. Which I know doesn’t seem like much time. But I have never encountered a situation like this. If he isn’t interested in me, which I am assuming, that is totally fine b/c these kinds of actions are intolerable to me. The thing is, this person was my friend. I do think that he is a
good person. I don’t think that he is in a relationship. And it is hard to accept that all of this is just going to have to remain a mystery.

How do I get past something like this? I have actually never had anything even resembling a one night stand before and I found it quite daunting that someone would look me up, profess feelings, take the initiative, speak about how great it is, and then disappear. This really blows my mind. I know the answer is…move on. But is there any insight that you can provide to lay these questions at rest. I just don’t know why someone would do something like that.

Why would an old friend look me up just to hurt me?

Answered by on -


You have my sympathy. Your “friend” betrayed your trust and then pulled a disappearing act. As my grandma used to say, “With friends like this, who needs enemies?” He may have a reason. It might even be a reasonable reason. But there is no excuse short of a coma for cutting you off like this. The best spin I can put on this is that two consenting adults exercised very poor judgement and are now dealing with the aftershocks. Torturing yourself by trying to come up with a reason for his inexcusable behavior only keeps the incident very much in the present. My best advice is that you turn your focus to the future. Put your energy into finding a partner who will love you and treasure you as you deserve.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Why would an old friend look me up just to hurt me?

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Why would an old friend look me up just to hurt me?. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 23, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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