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Partner still talks to her ex when we agreed not to!!

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Q: I am in a relationship with another female whom I have been dating since august 06. Since then we have tried to cut out baggage (exes) since it was causing our relationship not to grow. I was in a weird realtionship 5 years ago and it ended under weird circumstances. Overall we both knew that it was never going to happen and yet we still remained as good friends.( she lives in a completely different state) There is no interest at all, just a good friendship. Now on the other hand, my partner ex is here in the city and is still in love with my partner. The ex still makes contact with her via, e-mails, calls, and text messages. Just recently we had both agreed to STOP contact with our exes, which I was hesitant to do cause I see my situation being completely different than hers ( my ex is not in love with me and is by no means trying to get me back). Although because of the love and respect that I have I let my 5 year friendship go. However on my partner’s side, her ex continues to call, text,etc. Now I understand that I can not get mad a my partner for someone else actions. Although if we discussed that we would cut contact from our exes…then why is her ex still in contact sending hello messages. There are plenty of other things that bother me but overall my point is that….I cut a friendship out for this realtionship and I DO NOT talk to this person at all anymore. Yet my partner still does?!?!…..This does not make sense to me. I am hurt and feel like a fool.

A: You have been in this relationship for only 5 months. Although that may seem like a long time, the relationship is still new. You are still finding out about each other and you are learning whether and how you can work things through when you disagree.
Generally, when people make an agreement and then don’t honor that agreement, they didn’t in their heart of hearts agree. It’s time for another discussion. You are hurt and angry. You need to talk to your partner about how you feel and why. And you need to hear from her why it is that she can’t follow through on an agreement she made. She may not quite understand it herself. If there are “plenty of other things” that also bother you, you and your partner need to talk about those things too. It’s the talking, listening, supporting and compromising that makes a relationship grow deeper — or not.
I don’t know if you’ve found the person for you. Until the two of you work on some of the harder things, you won’t know either.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Partner still talks to her ex when we agreed not to!!

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Partner still talks to her ex when we agreed not to!!

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Partner still talks to her ex when we agreed not to!!. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/02/02/partner-still-talks-to-her-ex-when-we-agreed-not-to/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.