Hi, I’m a 16 year old girl and I’ve wanted to commit suicide since I was very young. At first when I was in elementary I was never really liked by any of the kids at school. So I developed an attitude to where everyone, including the very few friends I had, was afraid of me. That didn’t make me feel any better at all. What made it even worse was that my brother hated me. I’m not exaggerating and I’m not only thinking he hated me cause he’s a mean big brother. He told it to me everyday. He told me he hated me and told me I was a worthless little shit. I was 4 years old the first time he said that to me and all my parents did was send him to his room and tell me to suck it up and get over it. He tripped, socked, bothered, hit, chocked, held me under a blanket (I’m claustrophobic), I even had to get stitches in my head because of him. He still till this day says I’m a little bitch that needs to die. Well anyway, so when I entered Middle school I made friends with almost the entire school. I knew almost everyone. Then in 8th grade I met a boy who hated life like I used to and hated humanity and he still does till this day. I started to feel everything I used to when I was young and then I started getting in trouble with the law and with my parents. I started developing more and more enemies as I started going out with him. My parents began hating including my mother, which she still says I’m an embarrassment to my family. My father well there was really no hope for him to love me, as he should anyway. He has never gone to any school function in my entire life. He refuses to take me to school or pick me up
and if he has to he complains like no other. He yells at me almost everyday
calling me a lazy bitch and such and he has never said, “I am so proud of you”
or “I love you” or even the simplest “how was your day” without being pushed by my mother or my cousin who lives with us. He yells at my mother for being such a bad parent and telling her that what I had become was all her fault. So she comes to me and starts yelling at me. Telling me that I need to be perfect so that daddy doesn’t get mad at her telling me its all my fault for not being the
perfect daughter. Anyways I fell in-love with the boy and we started helping
each other. For me seeing him everyday made me so much happier. I stopped
cutting, seriously cut down on drinking, and I was an overall happier person. He told me he loved me everyday. But then we started fighting a year later and he said he didn’t love me that he never did and he broke up with me. I went right back to where I started except now I had a broken heart, a broken home, and friends who treat me like shit. So now I’ve been hooking up with guys all the time sneaking out at night and everything. I thought it would make me feel
better about myself (I don’t have a very high opinion of the way I look) but it
only makes me happy for the amount of time I’m with them. Afterwards I feel like shit and I just want the man I love back and loving me how he used to. I’ve been in counseling every since he broke up with me (My mother’s idea) it hasn’t been helping. All it does is give me someone to talk to about shit I cant tell anyone else. The advice she gives is good but it doesn’t make me feel better about myself all it does is make me feel stupid. For any other person it would be ok for but for me it’s a little different for some reason. Please I’m trying to stay here on earth and just try to live through these 2 years until I can legally move out and get away from this place. But nothing I seem to do works it just makes me worse. Please help me get through this living hell.
A: A: Wow. I wish I had a magic wand, or what one of my teenage clients asked, “Don’t you have some Shrink dust to sprinkle on me?” It sounds like you have had a difficult 16 years. Don’t listen to anything your brother says to you. You are a wonderful person and you are worthy just by being alive. You are a survivor. As corny as it may sound, all the trials and tribulations you have had will make you stronger. You will come out of this with a great deal of character and you will be able to look back and say, “I did this on my own.” As hard as it may be I would suggest that you dig deep and talk to your parents about how you really feel. Most parents don’t want to hurt their kids. Sometimes they didn’t have very good role models themselves and they are doing the best they can. Talk to them about the pain – don’t just show them the anger. I also suggest you do this with your therapist. Counseling can be tough and sometimes it takes a while before you really feel like it is helping. At least your mom cares enough to suggest counseling. Be honest and work hard. If you don’t feel like it is helping enough maybe you could try a different one to see who you like best. You may also consider joining a group. Most teens hate the idea but once they give it a try it can really help being around others who can relate to you.
I’m sorry that the relationship you mentioned didn’t work out. Many times our first love doesn’t work out but it’s still a special time you will remember forever. It is not OK to just “hook up with guys.” Why would you want to be with people who you aren’t sure if they really care about you. Give yourself some time to grieve and heal and the universe will send you someone else to love who will respect you. But first you must respect yourself and it doesn’t sound like you do. Cutting, drinking, using drugs, sneaking out with guys, etc… it only reinforces the messages you are telling me that you get from everyone else. You need to start respecting yourself and doing things that will make you feel good about you on a deeper level, not just a quick fix. Love and respect yourself and those around you will too. Maybe that sounds like a lot to ask of a 16 year old but it is time to start changing your life. Only you can do that. Find things you love and learn more about them. Pursue art, music, writing, nature, helping others… Find yourself. Good luck.