Q: This is bad! I just got married two weeks ago. Prior to the wedding I had suspected foul play, but I work two jobs which means I am gone a lot so the lies were easy to hide. On our honeymoon I found heroin and needles in my husbands things. I was suspicious and looking for them. His best friend is an admitted addict and has pulled many of our friends down his path. My husband said he was using for 4-5 months. He spent our wedding money on this and lied about everything to me. Since he says has been clean???? I gave him one drug test and he passed. We are having so many problems and I want to leave. I was so in love with him prior to this. When I look at him now I am not attracted or into it anymore. I am so pissed that he would bring this into our lives. I can’t imagine how bad it will hurt to go thru this again. How do we get through this? Can he quit on his own? How will I know if he starts again? Will I ever trust him? Should I leave? I had voiced my opinion about this many times prior to the truth coming out. I told him I would leave if he did it. Do I leave? Where can I get help? Does he need treatment?

A: You’re right. This is bad – and also very, very sad. You didn’t marry this man to find yourself in this situation. What a terrible disappointment for you! It would be one thing if he came to you with his problem and asked for your help to conquer it. As it is, you had to “catch” him and dig for the truth. For that reason, I’m not optimistic that this marriage can be saved.

A good marriage cannot be based on lies and deception. You don’t want to live your life always on guard for the next betrayal. He doesn’t want to live his life always under scrutiny for whether he is hiding something.

You told him you would leave. If you don’t, he’ll think he can get around any conditions you set. At the very least, you should probably separate and see if he takes charge of himself and does whatever he needs to do to live a clean and productive life. Some people do manage to quit on their own. But even if he does so, that’s only the first step. The lying is as big a problem as the drugs. He has to find ways to again win your trust for your marriage to have a chance.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie