Q. I’m a 21 year old female. For the past 8 or 9 years, I have been going to therapy, committed twice in a hospital, and been on numerious meds. 18 different types to be exact. Currently, I’m on 300mg of Effexor XR, and Imipramene. No matter what I’m taking, or how much talking I do, I can’t seem to get out of this place in my life. I can’t remember anything from my childhood, except for the bad things. I’ve been in and out of behavior programs between the ages of 15 and 17. The last place I was at, I lived there as an inpatient for 2 years. Ive gone through so much in my life, but nothing seems to get any easier for me. My depression has gotten worse, and I feel like I should just stop it all before it goes any further. My anxiety with people has gotten much better, although I still do get panic attacks at times. I hate this place in my head, but all I want to do is wallow in it. Lately, I’ve been hearing more mumbling voices in my head, and seeing more things, like buildings moving, and the walls breathing, and I think I’m starting to melt even more into the pit of insanity. It scares me, but at the same time it almost comforts me. I feel like I should be there, like it’s the only place where I can become truly free. The insanity is becoming my reality almost. I cut myself. I like to see the blood, and how pretty it is. It makes me forget. for a while. The pain isn’t even real for me like it once was. I want to go back to the hospital, maybe even go there forever. But I can’t really see the point of it. I like the hospital, but I don’t think I can be saved, or if there even is such a thing. I almost think that I’m sane, and it’s the doctors who are crazy. Maybe they’re just brainwashing me into thinking I’m nuts, or maybe I am even more far gone than I thought I was. Is there a point in trying? What’s the purpose of life, you live, go through stress, dissappointment, then you die. And once you die, there is nothing. No god, no devil, nothing. Just blackness, and even that’s not anything. It’s this hope I have, to be engulfed by the blackness. It’s the only thing that brings me comfort. Am I a candidate for permanent hospitilization in an institution, or do I need something else?

A. Your medications may be causing some of symptoms. Medications must be monitored carefully. What was appropriate for you three months ago may not be correct at this point in time. You can’t be sure what death offers. Shakespeare wrote “to be or not to be.” He was writing about suicide. Even Shakespeare did debate what death would bring when he says “perchance to dream.” He is saying that perhaps life does go on after death and thus suicide has not brought you any relief at all.

Anyone with suicidal thoughts should immediately go to the emergency room. Your life is very precious and should not be wasted. Have faith. Have faith that God will not abandon you. Yes, you are suffering and have suffered in the past but that can all end. Perhaps you are closer to a cure for your problems than you realize. Adjusting the medications, good talk therapy may provide you the quality of life that you seek and deserve. I have known many clients who have felt exactly as you do and many much worse than you do. I have seen them, all of them, improve and find great relief. It takes time, patience on your part and the work of a good caring psychiatrist and therapist. Please don’t give up. Let me know how you are doing. You deserve a good life, never believe anything less.