Q. I’ve been dating this guy for three years and I believe we’re in love. I’ve known since we started dating that he enjoys wearing women’s clothing and has thought about becoming a girl. I’m bisexual and a very open person so these things never bothered me. The thing is, this is the first serious relationship I’ve ever been in. He wears women’s clothes often and it doesn’t bother me, I’ve even helped him pick out clothes and shave his legs. I feel that if I had met him as a female I would have still fallen in love with him/her. I guess now that the relationship is so serious and the idea of marriage comes about, I worry about him having the operation. What would I tell my family? I know that shouldn’t matter. I love this person and it doesn’t matter what body they are in. I’m just nervous about it. He’s not even sure he’s going to go through with it. I just feel that I need to decide what to do before the question of marriage comes up for real. He says this is his issue to deal with, but I don’t think he realizes how much it affects me as well. I’m just not sure what to do or how to feel. If he really wants to become a female will I loose my family or loose him/her? Is it selfish of me to feel this way?

A. No, not at all. You need to know if this is the life you want. You definitely need couples counseling. This is not something that should remain unexplored by an impartial, objective therapist. It is selfish of him to suggest that this is his problem and his issues to heal with. Even to suggest this is to acknowledge that he is not thinking in terms of a relationship. I think you are also being a bit naïve suggesting that it doesn’t matter to you if he is a man or woman. It will and it does make a difference. You might prefer either one but it is immensely unlikely that you would be equally satisfied with either one. Many men enjoy cross-dressing. Other men move towards a feminine life by taking hormones and breast implants. Few men have the operation where the penis and tentacles are removed and reshaped in to a vagina. I strongly recommend he get serious counseling and the two you additionally get couple counseling.