At a dead end, paranoia and delusions Question
Q. I find this very difficult but I’d like to tell of the root of my problem. It basically boils down to sex… When I was young, my father showed me pornography, I was only 6 or so and it didn’t mean much to me, a couple of years later it was found out that he had molested my sister… Anyway, he is now a reformed alcoholic and he an my mother are back together, he is open about the past and knows that if we have questions he must answer them. Nothing happened to me, I hope… Anyway, I had a ‘normal’ school life with some good friends and one in particular, who has sadly passed away. Anyway, At high school, the housemaster, I thought was a bit of pervert and he got kicks out of beating me and my friend, I think he was a pervert, he must have beaten me around 500 cuts over the years. I eventually left school because of all the horrible things going on.
I started working with my dad, he didn’t do much work, I did it all, but he had porn mags in his drawer at work, being 18 at the time, I would look at them when he was not there. But my mom is dead against porn all together. Anyway, he then got internet and I knew he was looking at porn, I think he still does, I fear the worst (but I may be wrong) Anyway, time went on, I came to the UK and over hear every young male is looking at porn, you can buy it off the shelves and of course the internet is riddled with it. I managed to sustain myself from the urge to look at it, then one day at work, I was looking for hack for a program, in the background porn websites were loading and I didn’t know. Well obviously the other IT guys noticed this on the log and I explained it as it was. This story has come with me through to every job I have had, as a joke but some people have used it to make me feel guilty. I feel this will follow me to me new job (I’m sure it will)…
Well, before I went nuts 18 months ago, I had just got my first PC and I became interested in porn, first out of curiosity and all my friends making it out to be ‘normal’, and over the space of about 2 weeks, I was looking at it every day and at every opportunity (I suppose you call this a sexual addiction). I was staying in a shared house with friends and my girlfriend, I knew it was unhealthy and it went against my morals and it made me feel guilty and I was becoming hooked and feeling more and more guilty but I couldn’t stop, I have always thought it to be derogatory to women and looked at is as something bad. By the way, porn is illegal where I grew up.
Then I got engaged, my fiancées best friend wasn’t very welcoming of the idea. Soon after, everyone in the house (8 people, of various sexual types) was against me. I was one day watching porn and there was one clip which I downloaded that made me feel sick inside, it was basically some guy brutally having anal sex with some girl. It made me paranoid and this is when things started to go very wrong, “friends” had been spying on me through the network and seen this. I got really paranoid!!! Comments were flying around and people began treating me like some weirdo, or so I thought. I was open about it all to my fiancée. But was not liking this story being flung about to everyone who came to the parties we had. We took mushrooms and I began to analyze, I was going psychotic, feeling extreme guilt and paranoia about what people were saying about me, people were rejecting me big time and I knew that I shouldn’t have been watching porn in the first place and not being open about it, in fact I had in past told everyone that I didn’t watch it. So I felt guilt for lying about it as well. Then my best friend passed away in South Africa, it was all too much for me to handle… I broke! I had to move away from these people. I began analyzing everything said to me, and I got these visions from the mushrooms one time telling me that if I carried on this way I will end up doing something like my dad did, the paranoia got worse, I was beginning to think people were putting me in the same boat as my dad and twisting everything they said as being exactly that, Our engagement party was coming up and my fiancées best friend was saying that he was going to tell everyone what I had been doing and that if my family stuck up for me he was going to tell everyone at the party what my dad did in the past, I cancelled
the party for fear of that happening…
One night I decided to confront the guy because of what he was telling people and the way he was making me feel guilty and paranoid. He denied anything was going on!!! But I could see it happening!!! When I know it was!
We moved out of that house, but everyone connected to him was treating me like a wierdo, and I was paranoid around anyone, possibly connected to him. All of sudden everything in my life was revolving around this issue, I thought everyone around me was talking about me, spying on me and trying to destroy my life, conspiring against me! And ultimately didn’t want me to be with my fiancée and by making me paranoid and denying it was going on would drive me crazy and I would have no choice but to leave my fiancée. Especially if everyone connected to her was against me, but to my fiancée, they were saying nothing was going on. For this reason I have delusional disorder, when as far as I am concerned, it is happening, because it is, I am no fool!!!
I am now married, and people are still playing mind games, making me feel guilty and unworthy, and because I am alone with this idea, I am deemed mentally ill… when I know it is happening. My relationship is under strain because of this and I cannot trust anyone in my wife’s life and everyone who is in contact with here friends and family make me paranoid because I do not know what is being said about me. I am no pervert but fear that this is what they are saying, when I go to a party, I think everyone is talking about me, saying I am some pervert and that I am like my dad.
I don’t watch porn anymore for I feel guilt with even just the idea of it, mushrooms gave me the insight to recognize the problem and deal with it. But now I analyze everything said and point it towards this issue. My wife’s sister is now making me feel guilty, and they give me the impression that they are going to bring the porn issue up and show everyone a recording of what I had watched and that one clip makes me paranoid, because I know it was a terrible, disgusting thing (in my eyes)!!! Now I ask my wife not to share any information about me to her friends and family, or they will phone my work place and tell them that I am some sick pervert, because I’m sure they did this with my last job…
I just wish I could move on, I have shared everything with my wife, everything, my perspective, my lies, my “delusions”, my guilt, my fears… I cannot trust anyone in her life, because of what they are doing, they could at least be straight up about it rather than spreading these stories about me, and ultimately destroying my life and forcing my to divorce my wife, and then denying it is going on…. Making me” delusional”…
I just don’t know what to do, I am at a dead end…Help!
A. If someone is paranoid and delusional, the hardest thing for them to do is to know what is true and what is not. It is the most difficult of all things, when you can no longer simply trust what you hear or see. The experiences and situations that you relayed in your letter, are exactly what I would expect to hear from someone is who is dealing with paranoia and delusions. I would recommend you seek out professional help. I also feel compelled to warn you of the dangers of taking hallucinogenic drugs such as mushrooms. Studies consistently show that people using hallucinogenic drugs increase the risk of developing serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia.
Randle, K. (2005). At a dead end, paranoia and delusions Question. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 22, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2005/03/13/at-a-dead-end-paranoia-and-delusions-question/