7 Signs of Unfriendly Fighting

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

Roger and Robin have been married and fighting for 8 years. They both say they don’t like it. They both claim it’s the other’s fault. They both say they love each other but they can’t stand the fighting. On the brink of divorce, they’ve made the first agreement that either can remember, to come to therapy.

During the first session, they do me the favor of having a fight. It really is helpful. I get to see up close what it is that they do to make sure that a fight goes nowhere. Not surprisingly, there’s a pattern to it. Roger and Robin have become experts in the tactics of unfriendly fighting. Any conflict quickly spreads in all directions except the original one. Perhaps you recognize the signs.

1. Unfriendly fighting is full of comments that make global judgements about the other’s character.

He: “What’s with the credit card bill being so high?”
She: “You never lay off, do you? You’re such a nag. You’re as hung up on money as your mother.”

She never answers his question. Instead, she confuses the issue with statements that are sure to make him defensive, hurt, and angry. From his point of view, all he wanted was to figure out what was bottoming their budget. She successfully avoids a difficult issue but at the expense of their relationship.

2. Unfriendly fighting is full of “you should” statements.

She: “What’s with the credit card bill being so high?”
He: “You should have told me that you had a limit in mind. You should have reminded me not to use that card. You should have taken care of that bill long ago.”

“You shoulds” tend to put the other person on the defensive. Now instead of talking about the bill, they’re arguing about what she should have done and whether she should have done it.

3. Unfriendly fighting answers questions with defensive questions.

He: “What’s with the credit card bill being so high?”
She: “Don’t you think I can see that it’s high?” “Why should I be the one keeping track of the total?”

Her questions camouflage the real issue. He now has to sort through her indignation and justify even asking for information about the bill. She has managed to change the subject entirely and once again they’re not talking about their money.

4. Unfriendly fighting buries at least one of the combatants with an avalanche of words.

She: “What’s with the credit card bill being so high?”
He: “High? You think that’s high? That doesn’t even begin to touch the bill we had a few years ago. Remember that? We had this bill that was at the max and I had to get a second job to cover it. And you promised. . . Remember you promised . . . that it would never get that high again. Now here we are again with a high bill and neither one of us even remembers what we charged and tomorrow I’m going to have to go back down to the bank . . .”

You get the idea. He’s trying to snow her with so many words that she’ll have to fight her way out of it. If he can keep the storm going long enough, she’ll be so exasperated and confused that she might even forget her original question.

 

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, M. (2008). 7 Signs of Unfriendly Fighting. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/unfriendly-fighting/0001347
Scientifically Reviewed
    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jan 2013
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