Ground Rules for Parties at Your House Continued…
- Inform your neighbors well ahead of time. Let them know what’s happening, how many kids you think will be there, what you are doing to keep things in hand, and when it will be over. Most neighbors will be supportive of an occasional party if they know there is an adult in charge. They were teenagers once too.
- One friend of mine agreed to a party for 30 kids after graduation. That number swelled to 300 by the time the police were called. Word of a good party spreads quickly through the teen underground. If you don’t want to be mobbed, ask your kids to come up with a guest list and make sure your teen and friends understand that this is a closed event. Then work with your teen to figure out how you will deal with party crashers. Will your teen ask them to leave or do they want you to step in?
- Supervision isn’t optional. Work with your teens to figure out ways for you to supervise but not be intrusive. This isn’t your party. You probably shouldn’t join in the dancing or plunk yourself in the middle of a conversation. But you can man the grill, come through with soft drinks now and then, or announce a phone call.
- Parties take work and you shouldn’t be the one doing it. It’s the kids’ party, after all. Kids take ownership of an event when they do the work to make it happen. By all means, offer friendly help if you like, but let the kids take the lead in buying and preparing the food, setting up the space, figuring out parking, etc.
- Inactivity breeds boredom. Boredom breeds trouble. Talk with your teens about activities that would not be beneath the dignity of their friends. They could rent a karaoke machine or get everyone to pitch in to make pizzas. They might set up a volleyball net and provide Frisbees. Perhaps they could teach their friends Texas hold ‘em or get someone to teach dance moves.
Teen dignity may require them to groan when offered any of these options. But if your teen enlists a few friends to get an activity going, most will join in at least for awhile and most will get into the spirit of the thing. Younger teens are often relieved to have something to do besides make awkward conversation.
When I was a rookie at parenting teens, I got a phone call from another parent. He announced that his kid was giving a party and wanted me to know that a) there really was an authorized party, b) that he and his partner would be visibly present throughout and c) if alcohol or drugs appeared, the bearer would be immediately told to leave. When I expressed my appreciation and astonishment at the call, that experienced dad told me: “I don’t want to be worried about my kids at a party so I figured other parents wouldn’t want to be worried about theirs.” That struck me as generous and wise. When the time came for our kids to give a party, we followed suit. Although some parents thought my call was unnecessary or even weird, most were as appreciative as I had been.
When your kids announce they’re going to a party elsewhere:
- Call the parents. Your kids may have a fit but do it anyway. Ask the parents what they expect and whether they will provide supervision. Ask about their policy regarding alcohol and drugs. Parents who are doing their best to be responsible will only feel supported. Parents who are less eager to take responsibility for what goes on at their house will get the important message that other parents want adults to be in charge. If their ideas about what is appropriate for kids differ markedly from yours, simply thank them for talking with you and say goodbye. You didn’t make the call to argue with another parent about parenting. You made the call to get information.
- Have a frank discussion with your teens about what you expect of them. If you didn’t like what you heard from the parents of the host, talk about whether there are ways for him or her still to go and stay safe. Consider together whether it is just better to pass on this party.
It’s important you acknowledge that you can’t really control what your kids do when they’re out of sight. Mutual respect and the willingness of both sides to listen and to give a little are the essential ingredients for setting ground rules that will be followed. Be clear that you want them to have a good time but you also want to be able to relax while they are out in the world.
- Set up a “no questions asked” pick-up possibility. Your kids can’t control what happens at a party. If things get out of hand, they need a way out. If they don’t drive, they need to be able to call you for a ride or an excuse to leave. If they do drive but have had too much to drink to get home safely, it’s better that they call you for a ride than get into that car drunk. Whatever the inconvenience, be glad they had the sense to make the call. Save the big talk for the morning when they’ll be in better shape to listen.
Parties are a swamp of peer pressure and anxieties for the kids and a major source of worry for parents. Yet parties really are fun. Relaxing, talking, and generally socializing are an important part of what makes life good. Our job is to be the voice of safety while the kids learn how to have their fun and be responsible too.
Hartwell-Walker, M. (2007). Teen Parties, Parent Responsibilities. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 10, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/teen-parties-parent-responsibilities/000791
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jan 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.