Life is Full of Transitions

By Kalman Heller, PhD

But the key issue here is that children have very little say about all these changes they must make. Some respond by wanting to grow up quickly and be more in charge of their lives. Parents are often distressed about their children who are constantly pushing limits and wanting more freedom, who seem to be forever complaining that life is not fair.

Other children accept the transitions, at least these predictable ones, fairly easily, while other seem to not be in any hurry to grow up and keep trying to hold onto the old rather than embrace the new. Meanwhile, some just cannot manage these transitions and are prone to major meltdowns over seemingly every little thing that they must adjust to.

Parents tend to think they are the primary influence in how children deal with these transitions. Certainly how these changes are presented, what choices children are given, and how clearly their feelings are heard and validated all can help children learn to be more comfortable with the constant transitions in their lives.

But a significant piece of this is a reflection of their inborn temperament and parents need to learn to recognize and support the differences in their children rather than label them as good or bad and try to “fix” the children who might struggle a bit more with transitions. Conveying the message that your child’s way of dealing with things is within the normal range of variation and emphasizing the strengths rather than the weaknesses goes a long way toward creating a more resilient, confident child.

I’ve only barely touched on all the transitions children face. Meanwhile, what about those that their parents deal with? You go from being single to married to having children. These are the most obvious, major transitions. Many more are embedded into your lives. You must adjust to the changes in the marital relationship, which includes letting go of your family of origin. Whether it is close ties or a history of conflict and hurt, the challenge of transitioning fully into your marriage is made complex by this history.

In fact, your own childhood pattern of dealing with transitions is likely to present itself in how you deal with marital changes and the friendships you have, lose, or maintain as well as financial and career issues. If you are having trouble with the myriad transitions you must deal with, look first at what you learned about how to view change as a child. Sometimes we are being held captive by outmoded ways of viewing the world and the decisions we have to make.

Society goes through its own transitions that, in turn influence what we must deal with and how we cope with those changes. Obvious examples are how rapid changes in technology are dramatically altering the way we live. Meanwhile, it was not so long ago that there were major changes in women’s roles, divorce rates, and careers (one company, loyal to the end; the disappearance of entire industries). Meanwhile we live longer and being a senior is now viewed very differently than it was only a decade or so ago. Some of us age comfortably and some spend enormous sums on cosmetic surgery trying to hold onto our “youthful looks.” Remember what Bridges said, that successful transitions begin with successful letting go of the past.

Of course what everyone asks me is what are you going to do when you retire? Being a planner, I already have a list to start with. Something old, like playing bridge again; expanding present activities, like working out more and learning to be a better photographer; something new, like taking up golf and trying to learn to play the piano; some projects that I haven’t had time for, like scanning 88 trays of slides onto my computer. This is my transition phase plan, keeping myself busy, having fun. What I see further ahead is a desired unknown. When my plate is clear and things have settled out, where might my interests take me? What new adventures might I embark on? That’s the deeper level of excitement I have about this transition called “retirement.”

But, am I really going to be able to let go of my past so easily? How will I really feel about not seeing patients any more? How much will I miss the office I have spent 31 years in and the colleagues I have grown close to? How will I experience not pursuing activities as a psychologist? What will it be like to not earn money, something I’ve been doing since I was 12 years old? How will my being retired and my wife still be working change the dynamics of our marriage?

Well, I am about to find out the answers to those questions. Most importantly, I am aware that those answers will determine how successful this transition goes for me and if I struggle, at least I will know where to look first for the reasons why.

 

APA Reference
Heller, K. (2012). Life is Full of Transitions. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/life-is-full-of-transitions/00011807
Scientifically Reviewed
    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jan 2013
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

 

 

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