Fredrickson, a professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, is one of the leading researchers in positive emotions. She is well qualified to discuss the relevant research on love. Her earlier work on positivity and her “broaden and build” theory of positive emotions has advanced our understanding of how the form and function of positive emotions increases our awareness. In so doing, it also encourages novel thoughts and behaviors while building skills and developing resources.

This upward emotional spiral directly contrasts with the limiting, downward, and survival-based thoughts and behaviors associated with negativity. With Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become, Fredrickson brings her talent as a researcher and writer to bear on love, what she refers to as our supreme emotion.

Fredrickson notes that love is indeed an emotion. By definition, no emotion is designed to last, but love is renewable. She focuses on the body’s perspective of love, not simply the romantic view. The mutual caring that underlies love is identified as “positivity resonance,” which involves micro-moments of shared positive emotion. It is the confluence of biochemistry and behavior, particularly initiated through the eyes, Fredrickson maintains, that gives us these micro-moments.

In this way, Fredrickson is proposing a general theory of love rather than how love might be specifically experienced within a domain. This is a bold and radical approach. Fredrickson believes that love, as defined by these moments of positivity resonance, is the same whether the moments occur between parent and child, friends, lovers, or total strangers. Without a doubt, Fredrickson believes these experiences are, in her words, “virtually identical.”

The scaffolding of theory and research findings to reach this conclusion begins with the view that evolution has designed us to love as a means for survival. Fredrickson then builds on work and research from developmental psychology. She starts with attachment theory, infant bonding, and the understanding of synchronization and desynchronization, specifically that positive emotions breed synchrony and depression does not. This idea of attunement and being in sync is central to the understanding of positivity resonance, and Fredrickson makes her case from three primary perspectives: oxytocin activation, vagal tone, and mirror neurons, or what has been called “brain coupling.”

She cites research by Uri Hasson at Princeton and his colleagues, who examined people engaged in conversation while their brain activity was monitored by an fMRI. Synchronization, or brain coupling, happens during communication. The communication improves based on the degree to which the brain synchronizes. Apparently, when a conversation is being enjoyed, the brain does more than listen and respond. It seems to actually forecast and anticipate what the other person will say.

The research shows that when brains are in sync, the neural coupling allows us to really understand someone else. This, along with other studies Fredrickson quotes, supports the notion that positivity resonance generates reciprocal empathy, which then becomes a mutually shared physical phenomenon in the brain. In other words, two brains are having one experience.

Fredrickson then draws on her own research with colleagues, showing that people with higher vagal tone experience more moments of positivity resonance. The vagus nerve connects our brain to our heart. It is integrated in everything from the physiognomy of our smile and eye contact with others to monitoring the middle ear muscles so we can focus on another person’s voice.

Vagal tone is the term given to the association of heart rate to breathing rate. The higher the vagal tone the better. People with high vagal tone typically have more and better positive connections and are more loving. This is possible because they can focus better, manage their feelings better, and have higher social intelligence.

Vagal tone once was thought to be as stable as one’s height and not directly alterable. Fredrickson’s own research on vagal tone and love was so important she was invited to present it to His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, in 2010 — it is perhaps the most dramatic feature of her work. Her research showed there is an evidence-based reason for hope: She was able to prove that mind training can improve vagal tone.

In her Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology (PEP) lab she randomly assigned subjects to engage in loving-kindness meditation (LKM), the ancient Buddhist practice of fostering positive feelings toward the self and others. There are many variations, but the practice involves an intention to become aware of others by hoping for them to experience the feelings of loving kindness, to feel safe and protected, to be healthy in mind and body, and to be at ease and happy. The participants practiced less than an hour a week. Their vagal tone compared to a control group soared after a few months of this daily practice. Those who had the largest increases in vagal tone had the most frequent positivity resonance experiences with others.

This is a game changer. Fredrickson has demonstrated that love isn’t something we just fall into: We can make it.

Add to this the research on oxytocin, also known as “the great facilitator of life” because of its role in mother-infant bonding, social connection, and lovemaking. This neuropeptide is released during heightened engagement with another and is part of our response to “calm-and-connect” with others. It makes us more trusting and open to others. Fredrickson discusses research that demonstrates that people under the influence of oxytocin attend more to people’s eyes and smiles and cues that are associated with positive social connections.

This means that positivity resonance lasts only as long as people are engaged. In other words, while reading this review you are not in love.

Herein lies the most troublesome feature of Fredrickson’s thesis. She does not discuss by way of extension or refute other theories of love such as Robert Sternberg’s work on passion, intimacy, and commitment. Most notably missing is A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, & Richard Lannon. In the latter, they used a term — limbic resonance — to describe the activation of the brain during a love connection. Positivity resonance has a broader meaning, but a nod to the earlier theorists would have been appropriate.

The confusion comes when “love” is lumped together with a glance or a conversation with a person on line at Starbucks and staring into your lover’s eyes while you are naked. Here Fredrickson would have done better to label it Love₂ because in promoting a general rather than domain-specific theory, the intimacy dimension gets lost. A Gallup poll done last year identified that most people are looking for a special person to love, and that most people who have one say that person is the top source of happiness in their life. Fredrickson’s response to this? In the book she says it is a “worldwide collapse of imagination.”

It will be a hard sell to lump all love in the same basket for most people. Even after reading all the evidence, this reviewer is left with the sense that love is likely to be distinguished by levels of intimacy — at least a Love₁, the kind people are talking about looking for, and Love₂, of the Starbucks variety.

But reviewer bias aside, the truth is that Fredrickson’s work is more detailed and anchored than anything that has come before it, and what I’ve learned from all of it is that our body was designed for love. Just as flowers’ heliotropic nature bends them toward the sun, we need nourishment and are drawn to love.

And like Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams, my guess is that Fredrickson’s view of love will evolve as more research is done, and along the way it will stimulate great discussion and debate: exactly what good science — and a good scientist — is supposed to do.

“I’m caught between my mother and my wife,” says a 25-year-old man in Boston. –“ My Chinese mother expects my wife to obey her and wait on her when she visits, just as she did for her mother-in-law. My American wife works all day and doesn’t see why my mother can’t start dinner or help out when she visits. My mother constantly complains. My wife cries. What do I do?”

A young man in Florida writes: “My wife is Latina and I’m white. My father goes on and on about illegal immigration whenever we visit. My mother can’t shut him up. My wife tries to smile through it. We fight when we get home because she says I should stop him but I know nothing I can say is going to change him. Help!”

“My boyfriend and I want to marry but we’re from different ethnic groups and we know our parents will never agree. We’ve been secretly seeing each other for 4 years now.” –- from a young woman in Serbia.

Like the writers of these letters, you’re in love. Like them, you want your parents to love and admire the person you’ve chosen. Instead, they can’t see past their own traditions, values, or prejudices. They don’t see your sweetheart or spouse for the wonderful person he or she is. All they see is something Wrong – with a capital W. You feel caught between them. You love and, yes, respect your parents but you also love and admire your partner.

Bridging the divide is important. If you and the person you love aren’t clear about your commitment and the compromises you are willing to make to be together, the constant disapproval, whether stated or seething under the surface, can undermine your relationship. The child of the disapproving parents is caught in a terrible bind. Listening to and responding to either side makes the other feel abandoned, unloved or disrespected. The partner who is the focus of dislike may feel constantly under pressure to prove her or himself to be worthy. If unrewarded, the efforts can soon turn to resentment and anger that spills into the relationship.

Fortunately, there are less drastic solutions than the romantic death scene in Romeo and Juliet. Like Tevye in Fiddler or Robert in Downton Abbey, there are parents who eventually accept their adult children’s choices and even give their blessing. But it takes work and willingness. It doesn’t happen by magic or by argument.

Don’ts and Dos for closing the gap:

1. Don’t meet criticism with criticism.Your parents’ values, traditions, and feelings have helped make you who you are. They have been the guiding light for perhaps generations and have been central to your family’s identity. Putting down your family history isn’t honest or helpful.Do be compassionate. The older generation clings to their attitudes and opinions because it helps them feel safe in a changing world. Their intentions are probably good. Find ways to reassure your family of origin that you appreciate and honor your past while you are also becoming part of the global community that includes people from other walks of life.
2. Don’t meet parental disapproval with defensiveness and argument.Defensiveness implies that there is something to defend. Arguing implies you can be argued out of it.Do respond to their concerns with respect and clarity. Acknowledge that a cross-cultural marriage is going to be difficult. Express your sadness that they feel the way they do. Affirm your love for them and your general respect for their opinions but be clear that you have made your decision. Quiet certainly is far more effective than angry words.
3. Don’t keep your relationship a secret.Keeping it secret suggests you are ashamed of your choice. Someone will inevitably find out, which will make everyone else in the family angry and upset with you both.Do make sure both of you agree about compromises in order to be together. Make sure you are sure. There is no point in confronting your parents with something that isn’t going to last.
4. Don’t use your partnerto make a political point, to educate your parents, or to give yourself an ally. It’s not fair to the person who loves you to be used as a pawn in an ongoing fight you are having with your parents about such things as religion, race, or status. It may feel good to have a supporter in the battle but “us against them” isn’t enough of a basis for a lasting relationship.Do be clear about your own motives. Make sure you love the person for who he or she is in their entirety, not because you like the drama of choosing someone who has a significantly different family background.
5. Don’t take a side – your lover’s or your mother’s. This isn’t about winning and losing. It’s about reconstructing everyone’s idea of family.Do your best to negotiate compromises, understanding, or at least respectful disagreement. When you have to turn down someone’s demands or requests, be clear that it doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. It means that it doesn’t fit with the kind of family you want to make.

As our world becomes smaller through social media and increased ease of travel, more and more people are finding themselves in love with someone their parents never considered as a suitable mate. It’s hard on everyone. If people dig in their heels, the consequences can be terribly hurtful and long-lasting.

Bend when you can, just because it’s easier for the younger generation to bend a bit as people get to know each other. However, the painful bottom line is this: If your parents persist in not accepting the situation, your first loyalty is to your partner. This is the person you have chosen to make a life with. Even if your parents threaten never to see you again, to treat you as dead, or to cut you out of the will, loving your partner means living with those consequences. If you’re not prepared to do that, it’s only fair to your partner and to yourself to end the relationship.

Hopefully, it won’t come to that. Parents usually don’t want to lose you any more than you want to lose them. Hopefully, when your parents see that you are committed to the person you love and the life you have chosen, they, like Tevye in Fiddler and Robert in Downton, will come around.

Stop! Before you reserve the moving truck or buy the ring, take the time to discuss the issues that can make or break your relationship. Love really isn’t enough. Once the pheromones calm down, once you get over the intoxicating time of new love, how you handle these topics will decide whether you will have lasting love. It’s essential that you are on the same page, or at least in the same chapter, when it comes to your feelings or convictions about each one.

Fidelity. Do you have a common understanding of what being faithful means? What would each of you consider to be “cheating”? Is it okay with you if your partner has friends of the other gender? Where is the line between being a friend to others and doing things that will jeopardize your relationship?

Sex. Few couples keep up the frequency and intensity of new-love sex. What is a comfortable rhythm for each of you? When and how and how often do you like to have sex? If you like it in the evening and your partner only wants it in the morning, it can be trouble. How adventuresome or athletic are you each willing to be? How generous are you in satisfying each other?

Money. This is even harder for many couples to talk about than fidelity and sex. What are your attitudes about who should provide for the family? Who should pay the bills? Do you have similar ideas about what should be mine, yours, and ours? Have you been honest about any debts that you are bringing into the relationship? Are you on the same page about how money is spent and how much should be saved? Who is going to take responsibility for such things as insurance, taxes, and retirement accounts?

Work. What is the role of work in each of your lives? Are you in agreement about how hard each of you should work and the choices you should each make about bringing in the money? If one or both of you is in a high-powered career, what are you each willing to sacrifice to make it possible? If one of you out-earns the other, does it matter in terms of decision-making? Will the agreement change if you have children?

Leisure time. What are your ideas about how much of your leisure time you spend together and how much you spend with your individual friends? Is it okay with each of you for the other to go out for a guys’ or girls’ night out? Do you have strong feelings about what can happen then? What do you like to do together that will ensure that you will continue to have some fun as a couple?

Health and fitness. Related to the use of leisure time is how you each regard the importance of the basics: getting enough sleep, eating well, getting in some exercise as part of your routine. Are you in agreement about bedtime and about nutritional choices? Are you supportive of each other in building activity into your lives? Do you have similar views about getting to the dentist and routine doctor visits?

Social media and gaming. What is the place of video gaming, texting, and computer surfing and chatting in your lives? Do either of you have strong feelings that some sites or games aren’t appropriate? How much time can be devoted to gaming and screen time before it becomes a threat to your relationship?

Church, charity and volunteering. Do you share religious or spiritual beliefs? If not, do you respect each other’s? If you have children, will there be issues about which religion they will be raised in? Do you agree about how much time and money should go to charitable work and volunteering to better your community?

Kids. Are you on the same page about having children? If you are going to have kids, do you have similar ideas about when and how many? How about discipline? Do you share an approach to child-rearing? And how will you each distribute time for childcare, carpools, kid activities, and family time?

Relationships with in-laws. How much time do you think you should spend with relatives? What occasions are non-negotiable events for each family? Where do you set your boundaries? Are relatives welcome to drop in any time they please or do they need to have an engraved invitation three months in advance to visit you?

Chores. Arguments about who cleans what have pulled many couples apart. Do you have similar ideas about who should do the laundry, the food shopping, the cooking, the cleanup after dinner, and the general straightening up of the house? Who is supposed to take care of the trash, the yard, the snow shoveling? It’s easy to fall into stereotypical roles that neither person likes. Do you have shared standards for how clean is clean enough?

Partying. Are you in agreement about the use of alcohol and recreational drugs? Gambling may also fit into this category. How much, if any, is okay? When do you think someone has crossed the line and it is a problem? What will you do if that happens?

Conflict. How do you each handle conflict? Do you have the tools you need to negotiate differences? Do you avoid conflict? Blow up? Stomp off? How should your partner handle it when you are upset or angry?

Planning for the future. As heady as the present may be, if your relationship is to last, the two of you also need to be on the same page about where you think you are headed. Do you have similar goals? Are you mutually committed to those goals? Of course, goals may evolve and change but it’s important to have some idea of what you both hope for the future.

Don’t assume that of course you and your true love are in agreement just because you are in love. Once the wonderful haze of new love settles into daily loving, these are the issues that can become deal breakers. Better to talk about them before making a commitment than to find yourselves astonished, angry, and saddened by huge differences that can’t be resolved. Serious discussion now can prevent a painful breakup later. Even more important, conversations about these issues can help you get to know each other better and to lay down a united and strong foundation for your relationship.

Shame involves an internalized feeling of being exposed and humiliated. Shame is different from guilt. Shame is a feeling of badness about the self. Guilt is about behavior — a feeling of “conscience” from having done something wrong or against one’s values.

Shame underlies self-destructive behaviors:

• Hidden shame often drives self-destructive behaviors and other psychological symptoms such as rage, avoidance, or addictions.
• Self-destructive behaviors often are an attempt to regulate overpowering, painful feelings but lead to more shame, propelling the self-destructive cycle.
• Secrecy, silence, and out-of-control behaviors fuel shame.
• Shame makes people want to hide and disappear, reinforcing shame.
• Shame is created in children through scolding, judging, criticizing, abandonment, sexual and physical abuse.

Breaking the Cycle of Shame

Breaking self-destructive habits requires action, not just willpower:

• Changing destructive behaviors requires trying out new, affirming behaviors to replace them.
• New behaviors that generate positive feedback and reward create new connections in the brain, creating the momentum for ongoing growth and change. (Learning on a neurobehavioral level)

Shame can be relieved and healed by:

• taking healthy risks to be seen and known authentically, acting from a positive motive and trying out new behaviors in a safe (nonjudgmental) setting.
• taking actions that generate pride — the antidote to shame.
• breaking secrecy with people who understand.

Gwyn and Thomas are toasting to the end of their marriage by hosting a celebration at Huntington Hall, their fit-for-a-postcard home in Montauk, Long Island that’s been in the family for generations (a home that even survived the Great Hurricane of 1938).

Paralleling the decline of a 35-year marriage is the storyline of another couple, who are embarking on a different journey. Gwyn and Thomas’s son, Nate, currently lives with his fiancée, Maggie, and he’s bringing her back to his childhood town and ocean-front house to meet his parents for the first time — at their divorce party, no less.

The Divorce Party delves into the intricacies and complexities of characters who harbor secrets.

“I had two main characters — a woman struggling to begin a marriage and another trying to gracefully end hers — both asking the question: how hard should I fight for the person I love?” Dave said in an interview on Examiner.com. “It was very rewarding to see them both find the answer to the question that was ultimately going to lead to their happiness.”

What I personally found interesting is how both father and son were not happy with their past, and while they tried to “start over,” they expressed this need very differently; all at the cost of the women they loved. Thomas tried to fill a void he couldn’t fill for himself, yet, Gwyn suspects that even his idea of beginning anew can’t save him.

“You can do the work to honor what you created, or you don’t,” Dave wrote. “But if you don’t, you get to the same point with the next person, don’t you? You get to the same point, the same questioning, until you push through it. Until you are brave enough to not expect anyone else to see in you what you can’t see in yourself.”

Meanwhile, Nate didn’t disclose a very important part of his story to his soon-to-be wife, which Maggie uncovered during her visit to Montauk. Like Thomas, Nate was also looking for a clean slate; however, he chose to confront himself and his prior experiences, wishing to preserve his current relationship. He wants to accept that air of responsibility and dig deeper within himself. It’s a lesson his father may long to learn as well.

An interview with the author that was posted on the Printasia blog site discusses the message that Dave wants the readers to understand — she wants them to walk away with the theme of forgiveness in mind. Instead of finding a sense of failing in forgiveness, she focuses on its strength.

“I believe that there is no weakness in forgiveness,” she said. “But we are conditioned these days to think that there is, that the brave thing is to move on when someone disappoints us,” she said. “It makes it hard to make a relationship work, if the premium’s as much as leaving as it’s on figuring out a way to stay.”

With an eye-opening view of the inner workings of relationships, Laura Dave’s The Divorce Party is definitely a page-turner and a recommended read.

You think you are being verbally abused by your partner. In fact, you suspect that you are in an impossible situation, living with a partner who doesn’t honor you, wants to change you, or at least wants always to be in charge at your expense.

It’s hard to admit it. It’s terrible to give up the image you once had of your guy as a loving, strong, smart and caring mate. But it’s been a long time since you saw him that way. Instead, you find yourself always braced for the next verbal assault; the next incident where you are found lacking in some way or to blame for things being the way they are. You feel ashamed and sad and angry but stuck. It’s hard to believe it. You don’t understand what happened. You even sometimes think it is all your fault.

Why do women stay with men who put them down? The reasons are varied and complicated.

It’s not uncommon for partners to be completely taken by surprise. Often, people who abuse do nothing of the sort while dating. If the person in pursuit makes any negative comment, it is quickly explained away. There are apologies and promises. He may even cry. Once married, the situation turns. Now that he has her, he doesn’t feel the need to keep himself in check. Afraid that she will in any way have the upper hand in any discussion, he begins a campaign to keep her off balance. The wife is mystified. She wonders what she did wrong. Where did the fun guy she married go? He tells her it’s all her fault. If he is artful about it, she wonders if he is right and works overtime to fix it – not understanding that he doesn’t have any intention of fixing it.

Other women think they can see the insecurity inside the person who is always asserting control. She tries to help him. She agrees with him that life has been unfair to him. She sides with him against the world, not understanding that in his eyes the world includes her. When he turns on her, she tries to be understanding and to explain the situation to him. Once in a while, he even accepts her help, which gives her the false impression that things are changing. What she doesn’t understand is that his insecurity is bigger than his love for her. It is bigger than rational thought. It is bigger than his desire to have a mutual, equal partnership.

Still other partners think the problem is one of communication. Couples therapists and counselors will tell you that the most frequent presenting problem is “we can’t communicate.” Often enough, what that means is that one of the partners doesn’t really want to communicate if communication means sharing decision-making and power. From his point of view, she stubbornly won’t understand when he is being perfectly clear that he’s the one in charge. She is sure that the therapist will help him recognize that he needs to hear another point of view. After all, he is a rational person, right? She thinks he wants the relationship to succeed as much as she does. She doesn’t get it that a need for control isn’t rational and, yes, he wants the relationship to succeed, but only on his terms.

Other women are too scared, insecure, embarrassed, or dependent to leave. Her confidence is shot. Over time, she’s been worn down and worn out. She may have given up trying to have friends since he always objects to her spending any time with them. She may have lost any say about the finances, even if she is making the bulk of the money. She is so convinced of her own powerlessness, she doesn’t think she can make it on her own or that she can find a better match. Feeling unlovable, worthless and helpless, she sinks into a low-grade, or not so low-grade, depression that keeps her stuck.

What to Do if You Are Being Verbally Abused

After soul-searching, you admit it. You are in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself. You don’t want to give up on it but you also can’t stand the idea of spending the rest of your life fearing that you’ll be torn down whenever you begin to feel good about yourself or whenever your opinion differs from that of your spouse. You know it isn’t good for you. Just as important, you know that it isn’t good for your kids to grow up believing this is the way people who love each other treat each other.

7 Reasonable Responses to Unreasonable Verbal Abuse

1. Give up on the idea of trying to change him. You can’t. There are important but mistaken reasons why he is the way he is. It may be grounded in his own upbringing, his insecurities or in a narcissistic personality disorder. You can’t do his therapeutic work for him. But – if he wants to change himself, there’s hope. Unless he has a history of being violent, you could ask him to get into some therapy before your relationship is beyond retrieval.
2. Never match his verbal abuse with that of your own. It won’t teach him a thing. It will only confirm in his mind that you are the irrational one. Instead, take the high road. Calmly tell him that you are sorry he feels that way about you but that you don’t share his opinion. Tell him that you love him too much to put him down.
3. Set limits. If your partner calls you names, treats you with disrespect and sarcasm, or loses it when you act only like the equal person you are, calmly tell him you expect to be treated the way he would treat someone he values, admires and respects. If he keeps it up, tell him that you will leave the conversation if he doesn’t stop. If he doesn’t stop, calmly leave the room, telling him you are giving him space to think about his behavior; you’ll be back in an hour or so. (Caution: Don’t do this if he is likely to escalate. See No. 7.)
4. People who need to control their partners often try to prevent them from having a life separate from the couple. You can’t leave if you have nowhere to go. Maintain your own support system. Make sure you spend time with your friends and stay in touch with family members you love. Friends can remind you that you are a valuable person when you start to feel like your partner is right that you aren’t.
5. If you think things won’t improve or will only get worse, start a savings account for yourself. Put enough money away that you always feel it is a choice whether or not you stay. Have at least enough for a bus ticket to your family or a friend’s. Better yet, save enough to pay rent for a few months so you never have to feel trapped.
6. Get counseling if you think your relationship is salvageable. If you’ve tried your best but you and your partner haven’t been able to forge a loving, mutually supportive relationship, find a couples therapist to help you. If your partner won’t go because of his pride, stubbornness, or his conviction that you are the only one who needs “fixing,” go yourself. You need the support. Your counselor may be able to help you identify ways to make counseling a little less threatening to your partner so he might join you.
7. If your partner has escalated from verbal to physical violence – leave. There are domestic abuse programs in almost every city in the U.S. Counselors there can help you figure out where to go and what to do. If you are in a rural area of the U.S. or in a country without such help, go online. Make sure you use a computer your partner can’t use. Some people become violent when they see that their partners have tried to reach out for some help. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. For more information about their services, click on thehotline.org

Written by Alain de Botton, this, however, is intended to be a serious book about a very serious subject. The emphasis is on how strange and troublesome many of us find this intensely pleasurable experience. All of us secretly fear that we deviate from some healthy sexual norm — one that doesn’t really exist.

I hadn’t heard of de Botton before. Looking him up, I found that he is a Swiss-born British writer and television personality who is very popular in the U.K. He could be described as a popularizer of philosophy, and his previous titles — including How Proust Can Change Your Life, Status Anxiety, The Architecture of Happiness, and Religion for Atheists — give some idea of what he is about.

He is the founder of the rather grandiloquently named organization called “The School of Life,” which is described as “…exploring good ideas for everyday life.” How to Think More About Sex, though at times thought provoking, fails to provide much new information and often falls flat in its declarations about what should be an interesting subject.

A chapter called “Can ‘Sexiness’ Be Profound?” raises a very vague question and doesn’t answer it in any clear fashion. The author simply provides some old findings from evolutionary biology that healthy appearace is valued as a plus for a potential sex partner, and that beauty is “in essence someone whose face is symmetrical (that is, the right and left sides match precisely) and whose features are balanced, proportionate and undistorted.” Nothing earth-shattering here.

One chapter on beauty, titled “Natalie and Scarlett,” poses the actresses Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johannson as two equally attractive examples of evolutionary beauty in their symmetry of face and balance of feature and wonders how we would choose one over the other. The author’s answer, taken from the work of German art historian Wilhelm Worringer, is that we favor what we feel is missing in ourselves. “The specifics of what we find ‘beautiful’ and what we find ‘sexy,’” he writes, “are indicative of what we most deeply crave in order to rebalance ourselves.”

Perhaps the most provocative part of the book is a section titled “The Problems of Sex.” The section’s initial chapter, “Love and Sex,” deals with the sometimes antipodal goals of love and lust through a fictional encounter between two strangers, whom the author calls Tomas and Jen. The two characters meet and harbor conflicting desires: Tomas sees Jen as a love object, somebody he can marry and with whom he can have children, while Jen, defying gender stereotypes, has no interest in Tomas as a longterm partner, but just wants to ravish him. For the couple to get together, both have to hide their real interest in the other through dissimulation. De Botton feels that neither need is more moral than the other.

The following chapter makes the rather unoriginal point that sexual rejection attacks the core of the rejected party’s being and is frequently seen as a moral judgment rather than a mere accident. This, we know.

“Lack of Desire” is in many ways the most original and perceptive chapter in the book as well as the most successfully analytical. Regarding the falling off of sex during marriage, de Botton posits that the work of William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson—a well-known pair of sexuality researchers—has skewed our thinking about the subject. Masters and Johnson promoted the understanding that people have the right to sexual fulfillment in longterm relationships and that failure in this area is pathology. Rather than pathological, de Botton believes that diminishing frequency of sex over the years may be simply a normal part of aging.

This chapter also deals with impotence, and here de Botton’s perspective is unique in the extreme. The author feels that impotence is, “at base, then, a symptom of respect, a fear of causing displeasure through imposition of our own desires or the inability to satisfy our partner’s needs.” He sees it as “enduring kindness.” What he concludes, however, is even more unusual.

“The fear of being disgusting, absurd or a disappointment to someone else is a first sign of morality,” he writes. “Impotence is an achievement of the ethical imagination—so much so that in the future, we men might learn to act out episodes of the condition as a way of signalling our depth of spirit, just as today we furtively swallow Viagra tablets in the bathroom to prove the extent of our manliness.”

Reading this last bit, all I could think was wow.

As for pornography, there is not much equivocation here. The author clearly loathes it, calls it “poison,” and condemns it as a prodigious waste of time and money. He cautiously advocates censorship, and a couple of his reasons for condemning it approach the bizarre. For example, he feels that suffering is not a bad thing and that porn is harmful because it reduces suffering. In his own words, “Pornography, like alcohol and drugs, undermines our ability to endure certain kinds of suffering which we have to experience if we are to direct our lives properly. More specifically, it reduces our capacity to tolerate our ambiguous moods of free floating worry and boredom.”

Indeed, he regards boredom as a good thing. “Furthermore, the ready availability of pornography lessens our tolerance for the kind of boredom that grants our mind the space it needs to spawn good ideas,” he writes. In other words, if we weren’t wasting our time fighting the doldrums by watching porn, we would be creating things of value.

The author advocates a new porn, which he defines as something that would “combine sexual excitement with an interest in other human ideals. The usual animalistic categories and hackneyed plots with stock characters seemingly incapable of coherent speech,” he proposes, “would give way to pornographic images and scenarios based on such qualities as intelligence (showing people reading or wandering the stacks in libraries), kindness (people performing oral sex on one another with an air of sweetness and regard) or humility (people caught looking embarrassed, shy or self-conscious).”

Apparently—and amusingly—the author may not know that the shy but lustful female librarian is one of the clichés of pornography. The example above suggests that his knowledge of the subject is limited.

Moreover, while it is true that contemporary pornography is frequently misogynistic, brutal, and dark, there are also numerous examples of people giving each other gentle, loving pleasure. I have little doubt that such pornography likely provides release for many people who for one reason or another can’t have physical relationships with their peers.

Finally, de Botton’s chapter on adultery is murky, but the author comes out in favor of a faithful marriage over an unfaithful one. In his conclusion, he makes the bold statement—sarcasm alert—that sex invigorates our life.

It’s hard to know what to make of this book. The author read some materials, including the famous works of Masters and Johnson, saw a few films, and did a lot of thinking.

He didn’t, however, do a lot of reading of contemporary sex research. His original insights seem few and paltry. Readers looking for a fresh, original approach to an endlessly written about topic aren’t going to find much new here.

How to Think More About Sex
Picador, December, 2012
Paperback, 192 pages
$16

Enabling is “removing the natural consequences to the addict of his or her behavior.” Professionals warn against enabling because evidence has shown that an addict experiencing the damaging consequences of his addiction on his life has the most powerful incentive to change. Often this is when the addict “hits bottom” – a term commonly referred to in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Codependents often feel compelled to solve other people’s problems. If they’re involved with addicts, particularly drug addicts, they usually end up taking on the irresponsible addict’s responsibilities.

Their behavior starts as a well-intentioned desire to help, but in later stages of addiction, they act out of desperation. The family dynamics become skewed, so that the sober partner increasingly over-functions and the addict increasingly under-functions.

This builds resentment on both sides, along with the addict’s expectation that the over-functioning partner will continue to make things right when the addict doesn’t meet his or her responsibilities.

The Al-Anon program suggests that you don’t do for the alcoholic what he or she is capable of doing. Yet, codependents feel guilty not helping someone, even when the person caused the situation and is capable of finding a solution. It’s even harder for codependents to say no to requests for help. The pressure to enable can be intense, particularly coming from suffering or angry addicts, who generally use manipulation to get their needs met.

Examples of enabling include: giving money to an addict, gambler, or debtor; repairing common property the addict broke; lying to the addict’s employer to cover up absenteeism; fulfilling the addict’s commitments to others; screening phone calls and making excuses for the addict; or bailing him or her out of jail.

How to Stop the Enabling Behavior

Often addicts aren’t aware of their actions when intoxicated. They may have blackouts.

It’s important to leave the evidence intact, so they see how their drug use is affecting their lives. Consequently, you shouldn’t clean up vomit, wash soiled linens, or move a passed-out addict into bed. This might sound cruel, but remember that the addict caused the problem. Because the addict is under the influence of an addiction, accusations, nagging, and blame are not only futile, but unkind. All these inactions should be carried out in a matter-of-fact manner.

Stopping enabling isn’t easy. Nor is it for the faint of heart. Aside from likely pushback and possible retaliation, you may also fear the consequences of doing nothing. For instance, you may fear your husband will lose his job. Yet, losing a job is the greatest incentive to seeking sobriety. You may be afraid the addict may have an auto accident, or worse, die or commit suicide. Knowing a son is in jail is sometimes cold comfort to the mother who worries he may die on the streets. On the other hand, one recovered suicidal alcoholic said he wouldn’t be alive if his wife had rescued him one more time.

You may have to weigh the consequences of experiencing short-term pain vs. long-term misery, which postpones the addict’s reckoning with his or her own behavior. It requires great faith and courage not to enable without knowing the outcome. Although enabling can prolong the addiction, not all addicts recover, even despite counseling and going to many rehabs. This is why the 12 Steps are a spiritual program. They begin with the recognition that you’re powerless over the addict. The desire for sobriety must come from him or her.

To avoid unnecessarily suffering the consequences of an addict’s drug use, it’s vital you begin to reclaim your sense of autonomy and take steps wherever possible not to allow the addict’s drug use to put you in jeopardy. Allowing the addict to drive you or your child while under the influence is life-threatening. On the other hand, taking on the role of designated driver gives the addict free license to use or drink. The spouse might refuse that enabling role by taking a separate car. If the addict is charged with DUI, it might be a wake-up call.

Always have a Plan B to cope with addicts’ unreliability; otherwise, you end up feeling like a victim. Sometimes, Plan B might be going to a 12-Step meeting or just staying home and finishing a novel. The important thing is that it’s a conscious choice, so that you don’t feel manipulated or victimized.

It’s a good idea to follow through with plans, whether it’s keeping counseling appointments or social engagements that the addict refuses to attend at the last minute. This precludes the addict’s attempt to manipulate the family.

Having some recovery under his belt, one husband resolved to remain on vacation with the children when his alcoholic wife suddenly decided she wanted to return home. He later remarked, “It was the first time in years that my mind was free of obsessing about her.”

In another situation, an alcoholic husband picked a fight an hour before guests were arriving for dinner. He threatened to leave unless they were uninvited. When his wife refused, he stormed out and hid in the bushes, while his wife enjoyed herself. Feeling ashamed, he never repeated that ploy.

Enabling has implications for all codependents, because they generally sacrifice themselves to accommodate others’ needs, solve others’ problems, and assume more than their share of responsibility at work and in relationships.

Common examples are a woman looking for a job for her boyfriend, a man paying his girlfriend’s rent, or a parent meeting his child’s responsibilities that the child can do or should be doing. Learning to be assertive and set boundaries are often the first steps in stopping enabling. See my book How to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits.

Email me if you’d like to hear an interview I gave on enabling.

In today’s economy, more and more unemployed people are finding it increasingly difficult to find work. As a result, many people are taking whatever jobs they can find — even undesirable jobs such as shift work.

Shift work jobs can leave both partners with very different feelings. For example, the partner working the job may experience feelings of guilt regarding being away from the home. They may feel frustrated and “left out” due to being unable to participate in particular events or family time. This worker also may experience increased stress, feelings of overwhelm, and even irritability due to inconsistent sleep patterns combined with other emotions.

On the other hand, the other partner with more regular hours may experience feelings of loneliness. If there are children or others to be cared for in the home, this partner may feel a greater sense of responsibility and accountability. These feelings may lead to resentment and frustration.

Shift work may not be the ideal way of working or living, but it may be necessary to make ends meet or to keep employment. However, even with all of the negative things stated, there is hope.
If you and your partner work different shifts, there are ways to ensure you still maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Consider the following tips:

1. Call or text during breaks.

   This simple gesture will keep communication open throughout the day. If possible, try to keep the conversations light. Avoid talking about things that require more time than you have or that could create negative feelings.

2. Remember, quality is better than quantity.

   You and your partner may not have tons of time to spend together, but you can make the most of the time you have. Set a date or plan a fun activity during your next available time together and make the most out of whatever you do.

3. Leave little reminders of your love.

   Little reminders can come in the form of a note or a simple gift. Leave your partner items in surprising places such as the car, the bathroom, or even the fridge. This will let your partner know that you are thinking of them and leave them thinking of you as well. If you’re not really into notes or don’t have time or money for small gifts, consider completing a chore for your partner. This will show that you are considerate of his or her feelings and willing to pitch in to help in any way you can.

4. Set aside time for “business talk.”

   When partners have different, hectic schedules there is little time for anything. You don’t want the majority of your time spent talking about serious matters such as finances, household issues, etc. Set aside a specific time to address these issues so the remaining time can be enjoyed to the fullest.

5. Check in emotionally.

   In the chaos of hectic days we can remember to say “hi” or ask “how are you?” in passing. We may also get to squeeze in an “I love you” and “can you pick up some milk?” We want to make sure that we are checking in with our partners on a deeper level. Take the time to know how your partner is really feeling. As mentioned earlier, each spouse can experience various emotions as a result of their roles. Talk about these feelings and discuss what can be done to help both partners fell more comfortable.

Shift work doesn’t have to be miserable for partners, nor does it have to be a death sentence to your relationship. Relationships take hard work. For partners who have very different schedules, hectic lifestyles, or minimal time to spend together, these relationships may require a little extra work. You may choose to use some or all of the tips in this article or you may choose to use none. Evaluate your relationship, look at your partner’s needs, and do whatever is necessary to keep your relationship healthy. Don’t let shift work get the best of you.

Verbal abuse takes many forms: from loud rants to quiet comments; from obvious put-downs to not-so-obvious remarks that undermine the partner. What all the methods have in common is the need to control, to be superior, to avoid taking personal responsibility, and to mask or deny failures.

The myth in Hank’s and Mary’s relationship is that he is much, much smarter than she is. She does admire him, but not as much as he admires himself. He trumps anything she says with a stronger, maybe louder opinion. He calls her ideas naïve or ill-informed or even idiotic. Mary thinks he may be right. Since marrying Hank 3 years ago, her self-confidence has plummeted.

Jake, on the other hand, hides his need for control in his relationship with Marilyn under sarcasm, jokes and puns. “Why,” he says, “doesn’t Marilyn understand I’m just joking?” Why? Because she is the object of those sarcastic remarks, “jokes” and puns. He both publicly and privately keeps her off-balance by joking about her insights, her goals, and the things she cares most about. She has come to question her judgment about her ideas and about him. Lots of people think he’s funny. Maybe, she thinks, he doesn’t mean it. Maybe, she tells herself, she needs to have a better sense of humor.

Frank can’t stand to be seen as responsible for any failure. When he makes a mistake, his mantra is “I may be wrong but you are wrong-er.” If his wife says he has hurt her feelings, he claims not to remember having said what he said or having done what he did. He tells her she is “too sensitive.” He whines about being a scapegoat for other people’s problems. He doesn’t seem to get that he is the perpetrator, not the victim.

Al isn’t subtle. His wife and kids never know what to expect when he comes home. Will loving, caring Al be at the door with treats for the kids and something nice for his wife? Or will the Al who flies into rages, who threatens them with physical abuse and swears and calls them names show up? The whole household walks on eggshells. Even when loving-Al is around, things can change in an instant if he is the least bit frustrated. Last week when his 5-year-old spilled milk at the dinner table, he yelled at her for an hour. When his wife tried to intervene, he backhanded her. Everyone got real quiet. Then – the storm blew over and Al left for the rest of the evening.

If you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios, you are being verbally abused. Make no mistake: Although verbal abuse doesn’t leave visible scars, it does do damage. The victims’ self-esteem is eroded. Children who watch one parent being put down and diminished by the other develop a skewed and sad view of how relationships are supposed to be.

6 Signs You Are Being Verbally Abused

1. Like Mary, you feel you just can’t win. No matter how carefully or kindly you try to work out a problem, your partner says things that make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
2. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are shot. Your partner isn’t your greatest fan but your greatest critic. He often tells you that his comments are “for your own good.”
3. When you say he has hurt your feelings your partner, like Frank in the scene above, tells you that you are too sensitive. When you point out that he has said something inappropriate or hurtful, he accuses you of trying to make him look bad. You notice that he rarely takes responsibility for his part of a problem. Somehow he manages to convince himself and even you that anything that goes wrong is your fault.
4. You often are the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad. The guy who is fun and fun-loving outside the family unleashes a more vicious or undermining humor inside. Other people don’t believe you that the guy they know is so different from what you experience. Like Marilyn, you find yourself constantly questioning yourself.
5. You have to walk on eggshells at home. Your home isn’t a sanctuary for you and your kids. It is the place where you are most afraid and embarrassed. You and the kids stay away as much as you can. When you are there with your partner, you all do everything you can to make sure nothing happens that could set him off.
6. If you’re not very careful, the verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations. Even if you are very careful, what starts with words can end up with physical aggression toward you or destroying things, especially things you value.

Whoever made up that rhyme about “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” was just plain wrong! Words do hurt. They can break a person on the inside just as surely as a whack with a stick bruises the outside. People who are subjected to verbal abuse suffer. People who are subjected to it over time can get so used to it that they lose their sense of themselves as people worth loving. If you see yourself in any of these stories, know you are not alone. There are things you can do. Part II of this article will discuss them.

• You’re alone. I can recall Valentine’s Days I wished I were in love with someone who loved me. Worse were Valentine’s Days when I missed an ex or spent time thinking about someone who wasn’t in love with me. Looking back, what was sad was that I made myself unhappy and ruined one, if not more, days thinking “if only.”
• You’re in a new relationship.Another Valentine’s trap happens when you’re newly in love. It may be the first Valentine’s Day of your relationship, and you wonder whether your partner will surprise you with something special. Will he or she ignore the day or hopefully say the unmentionable, four-letter L-word?You’re stressed about whether your card should be funny or mushy. Fear of humiliation and abandonment restrain you from being vulnerable. You don’t want your feelings rejected or to scare off your partner. Guys, you could be afraid of hurting your girl’s feelings by not doing or saying enough. Or you could be afraid to do or say too much, which might be misinterpreted as a commitment for which you’re unprepared.
• You’re in a fight.One of the worst feelings on Valentine’s Day is to be fighting with your partner. Any other day wouldn’t be as painful. On Valentine’s Day, though, your worst fears and disappointments about your partner and the relationship are highlighted. In addition to being hurt or angry about the argument, you compare how you feel to how you imagine the day should be and how you want to feel.You don’t have to be fighting to be on eggshells all day and disappointed because your partner is an addict, ignoring you, or is looking for a fight to avoid admitting he didn’t plan anything or doesn’t want to go out. You can easily spend the entire day looking and waiting for cues, wondering whether you will spend the evening together. It’s hard to generate loving feelings seeing your wife neglecting the children or drunk all day.
• You’re in a dull or dead relationship.Many couples in long relationships have lost the spark of love. Valentine’s Day may be a cruel reminder or an opportunity to rekindle it. When romance fades, it can be replaced with love based on deep caring and shared life experience. You might decide not to do anything special. Yet you can still acknowledge your love for each other – even if it’s not romantic love, it’s deep and abiding.Some relationships have died. Intimacy’s gone, but the couple can’t let go, whether due to age, children, health, or finances. Usually, despite those reasons, there’s a deep attachment. Often one person imagines he or she is staying for the other and is in denial of his or her own attachment needs and fears about leaving.
• You’re in a loving relationship.You’re among the fortunate few if you’re in a long, loving relationship. Valentine’s Day may still present problems, especially for husbands who don’t want to disappoint their wives. You can get caught in the dilemma of not being able to decide whether to surprise your wife or ask her what she’d like. It’s okay to ask. Some people would rather know, but beware of a common trap: When your significant other replies, “it doesn’t really matter, I’m just happy with all you do. Don’t get me anything.” In this case, you should get him or her something special. Failure to act can be dangerous.Wives, too, can get caught up in waiting and wondering, and not wanting to upset plans their husbands may have made.

Six Tips

1. Stay in the present reality. Take the label off, and just enjoy the day. Don’t look up an ex or waste time fantasizing about someone with whom you’re not involved. Don’t think about your relationship’s future or troubles or replay past disappointing holidays.
2. Take responsibility for your feelings. If you’re experiencing painful emotions, honor them – for a half-hour. Then plan a great day. Remember it takes two to have an argument. Take responsibility for your contribution and your feelings. Own them, apologize if necessary, and make a fresh start with your partner. You’re the one who suffers if you don’t. Waiting for an apology feeds your resentment.
3. Let go of expectations. They plant the seeds of disappointment and resentment. Instead, be open to what your partner and the universe have in store for you.
4. Focus on giving love. Remember the love you feel is the love you give. Even if you’re in a relationship, write yourself a love letter about your wonderful traits and acts of courage. Tell yourself you love you. Read it aloud in the mirror. This may sound foolish, but it works and boosts your self-esteem! You can also focus on the positive traits of your partner. Imagine opening your heart and sending him or her love. If that’s difficult, recall a time when you shared love, and then bring that memory fully into the present.
5. Be creative. It shows an investment of time, love, and thought when you create something special. You can create a treasure hunt for your partner to find a gift or card. Instead of roses, sprinkle the bed with flower petals. Give a sensuous candlelit foot rub, massage, or body wash. Write your favorite, shared memories with colored pens. Make a collage of your dream home, family, or past or future adventures together designed with leaves, dried flowers, photographs, or magazine clippings.
6. Whatever you do, be real. Authenticity is romantic. Your true feelings are apparent anyway, and hiding them creates more problems. That doesn’t mean you have to spill your guts, but in a dicey situation, choose words that are true for you.

During midlife typically we are burdened by taking care of children and parents. We are faced with loss — loss of youth, previous roles and opportunities. Midlife transition often is associated with a shift in our sense of time, leading us to reflect on our lives so far, decisions we’ve made, and the future. Midlife transition does not have to involve calamity, but for some people it turns into a crisis.

Midlife crises can occur in both men and women, but take a particular form in men facing identity crises, often spilling into family life. Men in midlife crises feel hopelessly trapped in an identity or lifestyle they experience as constraining, fueled by an acute awareness of time passing. Finding themselves in a life that feels empty and inauthentic, they feel pressure to break out, and may desperately grasp at a chance for vitality and pleasure.

David, 47, a family man and do-gooder, felt lonely and trapped in his marriage. He always followed the “right” path, accommodated others, and made life decisions based on his sense of what was expected. David had a strong sense of loyalty and responsibility, and seemed an unlikely candidate for an affair. When a female colleague at work befriended him, David felt flattered. In his unhappiness, he fantasized and was drawn to her, but never considered cheating. But while away on business, David indulged temptation. Acting on his impulses, he unwittingly became swept into a full-blown affair.

David had unconsciously followed a prefabricated, externally driven trajectory formed by others’ expectations – part of what set him up for rebellion and crisis at midlife. Men with similar profiles make automatic life decisions, without inner reflection or a “felt” sense. They swallow parental or societal values whole, without question, later feeling oppressed, deprived, and resentful. These and other risk factors – including limited self-awareness, difficulty talking openly, and feeling unloved or unsupported in their marriages – create breeding grounds for crises driven by the need to escape.

An essential developmental issue for men in midlife is sorting out who they are separate from societal and family expectations. This task also is common to adolescence (Levinson, D., 1978). In adolescence, modulated risk-taking and contained rebellion against parents’ values can facilitate healthy differentiation and development of an autonomous sense of self. When parents set protective limits on opportunities for dangerous behavior, while allowing teens their voice and room to make their own choices (for example: clothing, hobbies), teens are helped to discover and “own” what’s right for them.

With men at midlife, a similar balance between restraint/limits and exploration is needed as issues of freedom, autonomy, and self-definition from adolescence are reworked. Mastery and opportunity come from self-exploration, not outward rebellion. The key is recognizing that the protest is an internal conflict over constraints and self-perceptions internalized in the past, creating an internal divide.

Natural midlife development in men naturally elicits awareness of previously unexpressed needs and parts of the self (Levinson, D., 1978) which may be felt as an ambiguous sense of something wrong or missing. In men whose histories may not have supported the development of their identity, such internal cues may be misinterpreted as a sign of a fatal flaw in their lives, leading to the impulse to flee.

But signals from within of something unrequited can provide positive impetus for self-examination and psychological and interpersonal growth. Healthy resolution occurs when self-examination leads to an achievable vision of change anchored to the context of our lives. Gary, a man struggling with midlife issues, worked to understand the emptiness he felt. Ultimately, he transformed loss into fulfillment by embracing the role of mentoring others, coming into his own, rather than giving in to longings for youth and the wish to go back.

Midlife crises can lead to growth or destruction. When it seems there’s no way out, creating a crisis, an unconscious process forces change. Experiencing the reality that we can lose our spouse is a powerful antidote to complacency. This jolt can trump fear of conflict and change, mobilizing couples to face destructive patterns and rebuild stronger relationships.

But prevention is better. Couples can work together using protective guidelines to contain midlife challenges and crises.

Tips for Men

• Mourn losses, but limit time spent in fantasy, regret and longing for what cannot be recaptured.
• Examine past decisions without judgment to understand what factors in you, possibly still at play, drove those decisions.
• Brainstorm about what you want now in your marriage, work, leisure.
• Realistically assess what’s possible now and what opportunities are gone.
• Imagine how it would feel day-to-day if you lost your wife and family.
• Realistically assess your need for security vs. excitement.
• Identify and write down things in your life for which you’re grateful.
• Include your wife and others in conversations about this.

Tips for Spouse

• Recognize biases in how you view your husband and ways these perceptions might constrain him.
• Be open to seeing him differently – as his friends or others do – and letting him change.
• Notice him – what makes him happy and unhappy?
• Share excitement over his successes.
• Show interest in what he likes.
• Find out how he’s feeling in the marriage, whether he’s lonely.
• Be open to change.

References

Levinson, Daniel J. (1978). Seasons of a Man’s Life. New York: Random House, Inc.

The Joy of Growing Old. (December, 2010). Retrieved January 22, 2013 from www.theeconomist.com

It’s the most destructive idea about love in American culture. It may make for a good line in a movie. But the notion makes for very unstable relationships. It doesn’t work for either party.

When someone wants and needs their sweetheart to fill in the missing pieces in themselves, they are setting themselves up for emotional disaster. Being needy erodes one’s self-respect. Being seen as charmingly childish may work for a while, but at some point it will get old to find all your ideas and opinions being dismissed.

Wanting others to fill in our “blanks” is a delightful fantasy. Wouldn’t we all like someone else to do the hard work necessary for helping us grow up? But growing up by definition requires effort. Being a grownup is what is required for finding grownup love.

The need for superiority is equally corrosive to relationships. Those who look for a needy person in order to feel “needed” ultimately end up disappointed. Trading equality for control gives you all the responsibility in the relationship. A playmate is fun when life is all play. But when things get difficult — and life has a way always of making things difficult now and then — you’ll come to resent the person who has always looked to you to be the strong one. Such people can’t take a turn at carrying responsibilities and think it’s unfair if you ask them to do so.

Think of the workings of a fine road bike. Both wheels need to be balanced and aligned. When one wheel has a significant problem, or if one is overinflated, you’re in for a bumpy ride.

A relationship can work over the long term only if it is a partnership between two mature, complete adults who complement each other; who admire each other’s strengths and who respect themselves and each other. If you’ve been looking for the romance promised in chick flicks, where one person completes the other – stop. You may find a fling, but you won’t find a partner. It’s time to take a look at whether you are self-ish enough to be in a relationship for keeps.

Selfishness doesn’t have to mean self-centered, narcissistic, and getting yours at others’ expense. Instead, self-ishness can mean loving yourself enough to do the work to be a complete adult. When a person is self-ish in the positive sense, their self-esteem is high, they function well in the social world, they manage their responsibilities and they are sufficiently emotionally stable to be a loving and generous partner. Such people don’t need to be one-up or one-down to make a life with another. They are not threatened by another’s competence nor do they need someone to take care of them. They know that the basis of a healthy relationship is equality and respect.

A Time to Reevaluate

If you are unhappily single on Valentine’s Day or if you are in a relationship that isn’t working, it’s a good time to do some honest reflection. Like New Year’s, Valentine’s Day can be a time to take stock and to resolve to fix some things that could stand fixing. Neither looking for a missing piece nor looking for control by filling in someone else’s empty places will give you the steady, lasting love you want. Taking steps to be more self-ish will.

How to be self-ish enough to find a lasting romance:

• Remind yourself that you are lovable. If you don’t think you are worthy of love, no one else will. If you think you can only be loved by people who need you or by being needed, give it up. Focus on developing yourself. Start your day with a few quiet minutes to remind yourself of your best qualities. Write them down. Decide to put at least some of those qualities out there for the world to see every day.
• Respect yourself enough to expect others to treat you with respect. If someone is disrespectful, calmly remind them that you expect to be spoken to respectfully, even when you may be wrong, even if you are in disagreement. Of course, that means being equally respectful of other people when they are wrong or in disagreement.
• Work on any feelings of insecurity you may have. If you think the only people who will love you are those who are grateful to you; if you need to be in control in order to be secure; you have work to do. Instead of rescuing yet another person as an avenue to “love,” love yourself enough to focus on developing your sense of self-worth.
• Love yourself enough to take care of yourself and to present yourself well. That means get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and get some exercise. Being attractive doesn’t take $40 fingernails, a $200 haircut or $500 shoes. Attractiveness that lasts beyond a first impression takes being healthy and put together.
• Do your personal emotional work. If you have been told you are “too needy” or “too controlling,” take it seriously. Think about whether the comment was justified. Of course, sometimes people say such things in anger. But sometimes they are onto something — or part of something. If you don’t feel like you can be an equal partner with a person you see as your equal, you might want to consider some therapy to help you sort out why and what you can do about it.

Finding a soulmate is just that — finding a mate, a person who walks beside you. That person is not a person who needs you to fix them, nor is it someone who is invested in being the one to do the fixing. If you are looking for romantic love that lasts, be self-ish enough to expect and give love in equal measure.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

My ideas are based on my observations of working with hundreds of couples over the last 10 years.

1. Seek to understand before trying to be understood.

One of the most common negative patterns I see in my work with couples is the cycle of criticism and defensiveness. This often happens when you hear something you perceive as an attack or criticism from your partner, which leads you immediately to defend yourself.

This pattern sets both of you up not to be heard. As soon as you start to defend your position, you’ve lost the opportunity to understand your partner. Even if you feel under attack or think you hear a criticism, try to understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings before you respond.

2. Slow down your communication to truly hear your partner.

Many issues get out of control because once this dynamic of criticism and defense is under way, the interaction often moves very quickly. When your communication is speeding up, you can miss a lot of important information that your partner is expressing. This fast pace also increases the volatility of your discussion, making it harder for you to keep the conversation calm.

If you notice that your discussion is moving too quickly, intentionally put on the brakes and slow down the exchange. Make sure your partner knows you truly want to understand what he or she is saying. This helps defuse the reactivity and allows you to continue to communicate in an adult-to-adult way.

3. Be curious about your partner’s perspective.

This one is easier said than done when you’re feeling blamed, criticized or attacked. However, one of the best things you can do in such circumstances is to be curious about your partner’s perspective. This can be disarming in a positive way, and it immediately helps de-escalate the rising tension between you.

By being curious, you can learn new things about your partner, as well as support your conversation in moving toward a resolution. You can still disagree with your partner’s perspective and remain curious and interested in how their view is different from yours. Practice this next time you feel a heated discussion coming on and see what happens.

4. Recognize your emotional triggers and learn to self-soothe.

When you know what your emotional triggers are, it allows you to be aware when the potential for their activation is present. We all bring ‘baggage’ into our relationships — from our childhood, previous relationships, school experiences and of course, our family of origin. There’s no such thing as a person who is ‘baggage-free;’ however, you can use your awareness of your hot spots to know when they are likely to be triggered.

Practice observing yourself, even when you feel triggered by your partner. See if you can name it by saying “I’m feeling [insert feeling] now, and I think it’s also touching something in my past that’s not related to you.” By naming the trigger, it helps your partner understand that there’s more at play here than just the current conversation. This understanding can help both of you be less reactive in the moment.

5. Practice using empathy to foster a closer connection.

Empathy is the fuel of good relationships. Being empathic is about imagining yourself walking in your partner’s shoes seeing the world from their perspective. When you can respond empathically to your partner, it facilitates a deeper bond and creates a strong sense of safety and trust between you. When you’re feeling attacked, however, this is the last thing you feel like doing. It does require you to be able to step outside yourself and begin to appreciate a reality different from yours.

Practicing empathy does not mean that you have to completely surrender and give up what you want or give up your own reality. It just means you need to suspend your own perspective, even momentarily, so you can appreciate the smallest part of how your partner sees things. Start small – even if you’re imagining only one to five percent of what your partner feels — and then build on that. Your partner will feel the shift and will be able to let down his or her guard a little, opening up the possibility of a better connection.

6. Listen for the hidden unmet need or emotion.

When your partner is in distress and voicing a complaint or you’re feeling criticized or blamed, there’s always some unmet need, want, desire or unexpressed emotion underlying this cry. The challenge for you is to go underneath the overt complaint and see if you can tap into the hidden emotion. By uncovering this emotion and tentatively asking if the covert emotion is also going on for your partner, you can bypass the surface anger, irritation or resentment and cut to the core emotion that needs to be validated.

This is no easy task, as it requires you to figuratively step up and out of the current conflict and to look and listen for what’s not being expressed. It also requires you to suspend your own reactivity and defensiveness in order to connect with your partner’s deeper needs.When you find yourself in a conflict situation, pause for a moment and see if you can feel what else in the conversation your partner is not expressing. To help you with this, remind yourself that your partner is in distress, but is not able to share the whole picture of the distress with you. Listen carefully for this and use your curiosity to find out what else is not being overtly shared.

7. Anticipate issues before they become issues.

Many current issues could have been dealt with much earlier in the relationship, but weren’t. Avoiding talking about small issues often can lead to unresolved issues festering and expanding over time, only eventually to explode and become much bigger than they were initially. You may not want to rock the boat when things seem to be going well. You may believe that nothing good comes of raising complaints or issues.

The reality is, couples who seek to avoid conflict almost always end up in lots of it. Get into the habit of naming and flagging issues with each other, even when they are small. One of the ways to do this is to have a regular check-in to discuss current issues and assess where your relationship is going. Over time, this structure can help you feel more confident about your ability to effectively deal with conflict and disagreements.

Communication in a relationship requires constant attention. Start with the basics and establish rituals of communication and connection to ensure the longevity of your love and connection with each another.

Codependency underlies all addictions. The core symptom of “dependency” manifests as reliance on a person, substance, or process (i.e, activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy relationship with yourself, you make something or someone else more important. Over time, your thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other person, activity, or substance, and you increasingly abandon your relationship with yourself.

Recovery entails a 180-degree reversal of this pattern in order to reconnect with, honor, and act from your core self. Healing develops the following characteristics:

• Authenticity
• Autonomy
• Capability of being intimate
• Integrated and congruent values, thoughts, feelings, and actions

Change is not easy. It takes time and involves the following four steps:

1. Abstinence. Abstinence or sobriety is necessary to recover from codependency. The goal is to bring your attention back to yourself, to have an internal, rather than external, “locus of control.” This means that your actions are primarily motivated by yourvalues, needs, and feelings, not someone else’s. You learn to meet those needs in healthy ways.Perfect abstinence or sobriety isn’t necessary for progress, and it’s impossible with respect to codependency with people. You need and depend upon others and therefore give and compromise in relationships. Instead of abstinence, you learn to detach and not control, people-please, or obsess about others. You become more self-directed and autonomous.

   If you’re involved with an abuser or addict or grew up as the child of one, you may be afraid to displease your partner, and it can require great courage to break that pattern of conceding our power to someone else.

2. Awareness.It’s said that denial is the hallmark of addiction. This is true whether you’re an alcoholic or in love with one. Not only do codependents deny their own addiction – whether to a drug, activity, or person – they deny their feelings, and especially their needs, particularly emotional needs for nurturing and real intimacy.You may have grown up in a family where you weren’t nurtured, your opinions and feelings weren’t respected, and your emotional needs weren’t adequately met. Over time, rather than risk rejection or criticism, you learned to ignore your needs and feelings and believed that you were wrong. Some decided to become self-sufficient or find comfort in sex, food, drugs, or work.

   All this leads to low self-esteem. To reverse these destructive habits, you first must become aware of them. The most damaging obstacle to self-esteem is negative self-talk. Most people aren’t aware of their internal voices that push and criticize them — their “Pusher,” “Perfectionist,” and “Critic.”¹

3. Acceptance.Healing essentially involves self-acceptance. This is not only a step, but a life-long journey. People come to therapy to change themselves, not realizing that the work is about accepting themselves. Ironically, before you can change, you have to accept the situation. As they say, “What you resist, persists.”In recovery, more about yourself is revealed that requires acceptance, and life itself presents limitations and losses to accept. This is maturity. Accepting reality opens the doors of possibility. Change then happens. New ideas and energy emerge that previously stagnated from self-blame and fighting reality. For example, when you feel sad, lonely, or guilty, instead of making yourself feel worse, you have self-compassion, soothe yourself, and take steps to feel better.

   Self-acceptance means that you don’t have to please everyone for fear that they won’t like you. You honor your needs and unpleasant feelings and are forgiving of yourself and others. This goodwill toward yourself allows you to be self-reflective without being self-critical. Your self-esteem and confidence grow, and consequently, you don’t allow others to abuse you or tell you what to do. Instead of manipulating, you become more authentic and assertive, and are capable of greater intimacy.

4. Action.Insight without action only gets you so far. In order to grow, self-awareness and self-acceptance must be accompanied by new behavior. This involves taking risks and venturing outside your comfort one. It may involve speaking up, trying something new, going somewhere alone, or setting a boundary. It also means setting internal boundaries by keeping commitments to yourself, or saying “no” to your Critic or other old habits you want to change. Instead of expecting others to meet all your needs and make you happy, you learn to take actions to meet them, and do things that give you fulfillment and satisfaction in your life.Each time you try out new behavior or take a risk, you learn something new about yourself and your feelings and needs. You’re creating a stronger sense of yourself, as well as self-confidence and self-esteem. This builds upon itself in a positive feedback loop vs. the downward spiral of codependency, which creates more fear, depression, and low self-esteem.

   Words are actions. They have power and reflect your self-esteem. Becoming assertive is a learning process and is perhaps the most powerful tool in recovery. Assertiveness requires that you know yourself and risk making that public. It entails setting limits. This is respecting and honoring yourself. You get to be the author of your life – what you’ll do and not do and how people will treat you.²

The four A’s are a roadmap. Learn all you can about recovery. Join a 12-step program and begin keeping a journal to know yourself better. Codependency for Dummies lays out a detailed recovery plan with self-discovery exercises, tips, and daily reminders. Your recovery must be your priority. Most important, be gentle with yourself on your journey.

1. To help you, I wrote a handy ebook, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem — The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism.
2. Because being assertive is so fundamental to recovery, I wrote How to Speak Your Mind — Become Assertive and Set Limits.