Both parents need to nurture children. Healthy parenting helps the grown child be his or her own best mother and father. A child must not only feel loved, but also that he or she is understood and valued by both parents as a separate, unique individual and that both parents want a relationship with him or her. Although we have many needs, I’m focusing on nurturing emotional needs.

Emotional Needs

In addition to physical nourishment, including gentle touch, care, and food, emotional nurturing consists of meeting a child’s emotional needs. These include:

• Love
• Play
• Respect
• Encouragement
• Understanding
• Acceptance
• Empathy
• Comfort
• Reliability
• Guidance
• The importance of empathy

A child’s thoughts and feelings need to be taken seriously and listened to with respect and understanding. One way of communicating this is by mirroring or reflecting back what he or she is saying. “You’re angry that it’s time to stop playing now.” Instead of judgment (“you shouldn’t be jealous of Cindy’s new friend”), a child needs acceptance and empathic understanding, such as: “I know you’re hurt and feel left out by Cindy and her friend.”

Empathy is deeper than intellectual understanding. It’s identification at an emotional level with what the child feels and needs. Of course, it’s equally important that a parent appropriately meets those needs, including giving comfort in moments of distress.

Accurate empathy is important for children to feel understood and accepted. Otherwise, they may feel alone, abandoned, and not loved for who they are, but only for what their parents want to see. Many parents unwittingly harm their children by denying, ignoring, or shaming their child’s needs, actions, and expressions of thoughts or feelings. Simply saying, “How could you do that?” may be felt as shaming or humiliating. Responding to a child’s tears with laughter, or “That’s nothing to cry about,” or “You shouldn’t be (or ‘Don’t be’) sad,” are forms of denying and shaming a child’s natural feelings.

Even parents who have sympathetic intentions may be preoccupied or misunderstand and misattuned to their child. With enough repetitions, a child learns to deny and dishonor natural feelings and needs and to believe that he or she is unloved or inadequate.

Good parents are also reliable and protective. They keep promises and commitments, provide nourishing food and medical and dental care. They protect their child from anyone who threatens or harms him or her.

Tips for Self-Love & Self-Nurturing

Once grown, you still have these emotional needs. Self-love means meeting them. If fact, it’s each person’s responsibility to be his or her own parent and meet these emotional needs, irrespective of whether you’re in a relationship. Of course, there are times you need support, touch, understanding, and encouragement from others. However, the more you practice self-nurturing, the better your relationships will be.

All of the things a good mother does, you have the superior capacity to do, for who knows your deepest feelings and needs better than you?

Here are some steps you can take:

• When you have uncomfortable feelings, put your hand on your chest, and say aloud, “You’re (or I’m) ____.” (e.g., angry, sad, afraid, lonely). This accepts and honors your feelings.
• If you have difficulty identifying your feelings, pay attention to your inner dialogue. Notice your thoughts. Do they express worry, judgment, despair, resentment, envy, hurt, or wishing? Notice your moods. Are you irritable, anxious, or blue? Try to name your specific feelings. (“Upset” isn’t a specific feeling.) Do this several times a day to increase your feeling recognition. You can find lists of hundreds of feelings online.
• Think or write about the cause or trigger for your feeling and what you need that will make you feel better. Meeting needs is good parenting.
• If you’re angry or anxious, practice yoga or martial arts, meditation, or simple breathing exercises. Slowing your breath slows your brain and calms your nervous system. Exhale 10 times making a hissing (“sss”) sound with your tongue behind your teeth. Doing something active is also ideal for releasing anger.
• Practice giving yourself comfort: Write a supportive letter to yourself, expressing what an ideal parent would say. Have a warm drink. Studies show this actually elevates your mood. Swaddle your body in a blanket or sheet like a baby. This is soothing and comforting to your body.
• Do something pleasurable, e.g., read or watch comedy, look at beauty, walk in nature, sing or dance, create something, or stroke your skin. Pleasure releases chemicals in the brain that counterbalance pain, stress, and negative emotions. Discover what pleasures you. (To read more about the neuroscience of pleasure, read my article, “The Healing Power of Pleasure”.)
• Adults also need to play. This means doing something purposeless that fully engages you and is enjoyable for its own sake. The more active the better, i.e., play with your dog vs. walking him, sing or collect seashells vs. watching television. Play brings you into the pleasure of the moment. Doing something creative is a great way to play, but be cautious not to judge yourself. Remember the goal is enjoyment – not the finished product.
• Practice complimenting and encouraging yourself – especially when you don’t think you’re doing enough. Notice this self-judgment for what it is, and be a positive coach. Remind yourself of what you have done and allow yourself time to rest and rejuvenate.
• Forgive yourself. Good parents don’t punish children for mistakes or constantly remind them, and they don’t punish willful wrongs repeatedly. Instead, learn from mistakes and make amends when necessary.
• Keep commitments to yourself as you would anyone else. When you don’t, you’re in effect abandoning yourself. How would you feel if your parent repeatedly broke promises to you? Love yourself by demonstrating that you’re important enough to keep commitments to yourself.

A Word of Caution

Beware of self-judgment. Remember that feelings aren’t rational. Whatever you feel is okay and it’s okay if you don’t know why you feel the way you do. What is important is acceptance of your feelings and the positive actions you take to nurture yourself. Many people think, “I shouldn’t be angry (sad, afraid, depressed, etc.). This may reflect judgment they received as a child. Often it’s this unconscious self-judgment that is the cause of irritability and depression. Learn how to combat self-criticism in my ebook, “10 Steps to Self-Esteem,” available in online bookstores.

Have you ever gone to an online news source to suddenly, surprisingly encounter a gut-wrenching headline or photo? Did it make you feel sucker-punched in the stomach?

Now, don’t get me wrong: I think as citizens we have an obligation to know about certain events that may be tragic, hurtful, sad, distressful or disturbing. I’m not saying that horrible events shouldn’t be reported. However, as a psychologist, I would argue that as a society we should have somewhat ‘safe spaces’ in which we can receive news without the proverbial punch in the stomach, if we know, at least in that moment, that we just simply can’t handle it.

As a psychologist, I work with veterans, many with PTSD. Sometimes, they, like many of us, log onto online content to feel more socially connected. Like a self-therapeutic gesture, we do this to sometimes feel more soothed, or distracted from dark or lonely feelings as we delve into novel online content.

Typically, when looking for that sense of connection, or delight, or enrichment, one may turn to news of recent politics, world news, sports scores, entertainment news, comedy sites, book reviews, health & science news, pictures of natural wonders, and so on. However, for many seeking engagement with the news in such a way, they may instead find that their initial encounter will be overshadowed by abrupt headlines detailing deaths, deaths of children, or tortured children on the front page of a particular news site. Even if one is Internet-savvy enough to skip to the front page of these news sites and go straight to their section of interest, horrific headlines and pictures of death and torture will await them on the sidebars. These are non-sequiturs popping up on the same page as articles devoted to meditation, real estate, sports, comedy, and parenting.

Not being able to control encounters with this type of devastating news can be psychologically problematic. It’s not just a problem with combat veterans, or those with PTSD. In fact, I repeatedly hear about this problem from people from many walks of life. Combat veterans and parents of young children are particularly vocal about it. I believe this phenomena causes something that I’ve coined as “news blues.” News blues causes distress when one is not expecting it or prepared for it. It often causes the reader to disengage in that moment from reading the news altogether.

As an avid online news reader, I too have personally felt the news blues. There has been the sting of an unexpected photo, the headline of atrocities to children when I am expecting to read something more benign at night, such as sustainable architecture awards.

Yes, I listen to horrible stories of atrocities for a living. I am able to listen fully, in the right context. For me, there is a large difference between learning about tragedy and atrocities when one feels empowered to help in some way, as a psychologist helps a patient, and then reading about it passively from a new source, with no way to help. The other piece of this is the element of surprise. It is easier to cope with news of such events when it is expected. This allows people to then prepare for such news and work to be emotionally ready for it.

We are rapidly losing control over when and how we are exposed to devastatingly detailed headlines and their accompanying graphic photos.

Some news sites are better able to provide content of all types without the surprise gut-wrenching punch from the headline itself. Although they don’t have a perfect track record, the New York Times often is able to report on crimes important to the nation and world without giving the reader panic attacks or news blues from the headline.

In contrast, the Huffington Post and the Daily Beast -– ironically, two of my favorite news aggregator sites — do so less well. Recently, both sites had headlines on their front page announcing the murder of children in Afghanistan, accompanied by an actual photo of the corpses of these dead children. There was no warning label obscuring the view. There was no “click here” for those who were willing to see. In other words, the visitor on the front page/home page of these sites had no choice but to see this.

What can happen from not being able to control what one sees? For those adults with anxiety and mood disorders, this can set off a whole slew of anxious and harmful sequelae. For those adults without mental health issues, I contend that this can cause news blues. A common emotional response is difficulty in processing the surprise graphic encounter with a horrible atrocity and tragic image, followed by a decision to shut off the news site all together, and ending, at least for the time being, seeking out news.

My concern, apart from the emotional health of readers, is that news blues has the potential to contribute to a civic crisis. When adults stop reading the news, our responsibility as a populace to be informed is eroded. Everyone may not be experiencing news blues. Yet, many report they are becoming desensitized, and this is also problematic. We need to be informed and maintain compassion for other humans.

The social norms of what can be shared in the U.S media have shifted. Where are the honest-but-gently-worded headlines that beckon readers to read more about an important tragedy within the content of the article, instead of disclosing the most disturbing aspects within the headline? Where are the online hyperlinks that can protectively place graphic and upsetting photos behind further ‘clicks’ for the intrepid, willing, and prepared adult readers? Where are the warnings that inform and caution the reader that “some of the following photos may contain graphic content” ?

If, while reading online, we want to know what the “7 Foods We Shouldn’t Live Without Are” or where the “Happiest Cities in the World” are, we have to get there by a dozen clicks and endure slow-loading slide shows. Yes, I know that’s how these sites gauge our engagement which they then use to earn money from advertisers. But why hide this benign information behind a multitude of clicks and slow-loads and then put images of the corpses of dead children openly on the front page and openly on the side-bars of every news page?

Types of Boundaries

There are several areas where boundaries apply:

• Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
• Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
• Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
• Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
• Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
• Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.

Why It’s Hard

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

1. They put others’ needs and feelings first;
2. They don’t know themselves;
3. They don’t feel they have rights;
4. They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; and
5. They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a masseuse to stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

You Have Rights

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email.

Think about all the situations where these rights apply. Write how you feel and how you currently handle them. How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no?”

Write want you want to happen. List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example, “Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my . . .),” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”

Internal Boundaries

Internal boundaries involve regulating your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior and impulses. If you’re procrastinating, doing things you neither have to nor want to do, or overdoing and not getting enough rest, recreation, or balanced meals, you may be neglecting internal physical boundaries. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to follow through on goals and commitments to yourself.

Healthy emotional and mental internal boundaries help you not to assume responsibility for, or obsess about, other people’s feelings and problems – something codependents commonly do. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think about yourself, rather than automatically agreeing with others’ criticism or advice. You’re then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you choose. Similarly, since you’re accountable for your feelings and actions, you don’t blame others. When you’re blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”

Guilt and Resentment

Anger often is a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean that you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you’re unhappy. Once you get practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and suffer less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.

Setting Effective Boundaries

People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance. It’s essential, however, that you never threaten a consequence you’re not fully prepared to carry out.

It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback. Read more on setting boundaries in Codependency for Dummies and my e-book, How to Speak Your Mind and Set Limits.

Perry begins with an assumption that we already have mental balance, but that we need tips to maintain it. While that assumption may be false for some readers, her book is still a useful tool. And although some of her ideas are not new, they are worth hearing again along with her more original suggestions.

Perry explains that most of our brain development occurs by age five. Our earliest experiences help to explain why we are who we are. She writes that while we will not remember all of our childhood influences or the people who created them, we can learn to recall and think about them in ways that will lead us to better mental health.

Many of our childhood experiences were positive and helped us to learn to process our feelings in a mature way, or helped us feel good about ourselves, Perry writes. However, we also had experiences that were confusing or undesirable that may have had a lasting effect on us. Perry advises that we process our feelings differently when it comes to the latter, in order to eliminate their negative impact.

This is a reasonable suggestion, but in reality, I found it very difficult to segregate individual events from years ago, let alone to identify their impact on me or how I felt about them. Just sitting with Perry’s book and one’s memories isn’t quite enough.

Perry also explains that there are essentially two types of insanity. At their extremes, they are chaos, which occurs when we careen from one chaotic situation to another, and rigidity, which occurs when we repeatedly react to experiences with outdated and negative responses. We want to avoid either extreme by being in touch with our sensations and reacting positively to what happens.

Meanwhile, Perry posits, there are four cornerstones to sanity: self-observation; relationships; stress; and personal narrative. By regularly evaluating these four areas, Perry says, we can gain and retain a saner outlook.

Through self-observation, she suggests, we can examine on a daily basis how we are feeling about what is happening to us. This observation should be non-judgmental, and should cause us to be responsible for our reactions rather than feel that we have no control over them. Perry provides a “grounding exercise” to help with this. As we evaluate our feelings, we may consider either how we think others see us or how something feels internally. I found both approaches to be helpful. She suggests that keeping a journal, meditating, or praying can also help.

Perry’s second point is that having good relationships helps us to stay sane, citing examples of how faulty relationships, or having too few positive relationships, can be detrimental. This is certainly not a new idea. Still, reading Perry’s take may help us to look more closely at our relationships and motivate us to make changes where we can do better.

Both positive and negative stress affect our sanity. This is the third area Perry discusses. Obviously, we know that positive stress should be embraced because it stimulates us, and that negative stress should be managed or eliminated. We should seek positive stress that is mental, such as new opportunities or challenges at work, and positive stress that is physical, such as a good workout. This is old news—and we usually recognize when we are under exceptional negative stress—but still a helpful reminder to pay attention to how our experiences may be affecting us.

Finally, Perry’s fourth cornerstone is personal narratives: the stories we tell ourselves or that others tell us, or that we have read or watched on television. Because we often subconsciously embrace these narratives, they help to define us—but when they are negative, Perry writes, we must edit or change them to regain our balance. She encourages us to look for the good news in these stories because, she believes, optimism gives us a better outlook than pessimism.

Some might argue with this simplified view, however. Rather than taking this approach, I find that narratives help me more when I check my reactions or feelings against the people in a given “story.”

Perry provides a series of exercises intended to help us experience the four cornerstones of sanity. These are mostly common-sense activities, but can still be useful. Just as a therapist would encourage and expect a client to work on areas that may bring about improvement, the author expects the reader to do some of the same. The unfortunate shortcoming, of course, is that with a book, a reader has no way to get professional feedback on his progress. However, if we intuitively feel when we are not in balance, it can help to try some mental exercises on our own.

This is an easy book to read, and a second reading may uncover new insights. Too often we read advice in a self-help text, agree that it makes sense, and then go about our busy and stressful lives as though we never read the book. To make this one worth our time, we must pay attention to these ideas in a thoughtful way and then follow Perry’s suggestions. For instance, reviewing what happened at the end of each day and how we reacted to it helps us to make positive change. As Socrates tells us, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” Perry gives us direction. We may not want to follow every suggestion, but can probably find some that feel comfortable.

How to Stay Sane
Picador, December, 2012
Paperback, 192 pages
$16.00

Before reaching a tipping point, people often are able to balance known or unknown ADHD challenges with strategies they may not have even realized they were using. They had been able to adapt and cope well with their symptoms. Their symptoms may not have interfered with their functioning, so that they avoided an official ADHD diagnosis.

But for some reason a life change — a job promotion, relationship change, school change, or myriad other things — renders the current strategies ineffective. Over time there is a sense that things are no longer going well and in fact, life seems to be falling apart in a big way.

Here are some life situations that could be possible tipping points::

1. New problems at school.

Often, when higher elementary or middle school hits, students begin unraveling. They experience more responsibility in juggling multiple classrooms, more homework and larger classes. Suddenly it seems like nothing is working anymore. They can’t get things done that they want to get done, everything becomes chaotic, things start to come undone. Their schoolwork starts to suffer; they may have trouble concentrating in class, forget to hand in homework or start to experience difficulties with old friendships.

Often, no one recognizes these warning signs as being ADHD-related because the students previously had managed or were able to compensate for their challenges. Parents and educators start to feel helpless when a previously successful student seems to become unmotivated. Students are told they just need to try harder. Everyone is unsure how to get the child back on track and the students begin to feel stupid, lazy and incapable.

2. Inability to cope after significant life changes.

Some people with ADHD experience their first tipping point after a significant life change, even a positive one such as getting married or moving into a new home. These major life celebrations are anticipated with great joy, but often may be a change that tips the balance. Perhaps you’ve been able to balance your own life and your own schedule and where you put things up until now. But then you get married and now your spouse has a different way of doing things or expectations of the way things should be organized that differ from your views. That’s not to mention having to deal with the extra stuff in your space.

Slowly you notice that things are not working as well as they had before, and because this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life, you think there must be something wrong with you — right? Wrong! Significant life changes such as getting married, having another child or moving homes often can upset an unknown balance.

3. Unable to transition successfully into a new role at work.

Up until your “tipping point” you have been performing really well in your job — so well, in fact, that you are promoted. Slowly you may start to notice that you are not doing this new job as well as everyone expected, and you begin to isolate yourself, dread going to work and may eventually get fired.

What happened? You reached your tipping point. Not because you didn’t deserve the job, but because changes in work often come with changes of staff, support, work space, etc. that throw you off.

4. Change in family dynamics.

If you find yourself with new responsibilities and changes in your family, such as taking in an elderly parent, adding members to your family, or getting a new roommate, the additional responsibilities, change in routine and stress can gradually sink in and leave you overwhelmed and unable to cope as you have previously. It is so easy to begin to think you are a terrible mom, unfit for the responsibilities of a family or that you may be destined to live alone.

It’s not you. You were thrown off-balance, and your ability to compensate for your ADHD with your old routine, structures or systems is no longer working. But instead of seeing the truth, that it isn’t anything you’ve done wrong, or knowing that you can fix this, you’re filled with undeserved guilt and shame.

5. Physical injury.

People often experience their tipping point when an ADHD-management strategy such as exercise decreases or activity level changes. Unbeknownst to many people with ADHD, participation in sports or daily exercise provides some additional dopamine to our brain and helps to create structure and routine in our lives that help to better manage ADHD symptoms.

Tipping points are common for high school athletes who have earned success not only in their sports but academically, only to go off to college and experience failure for the first time. Without the rigorous physical training and structure of high school, they begin slowly to fall apart. Another common tipping point for people with ADHD is when they have experienced an injury and have to decrease their activity or exercise level. This change in routine and absence of daily dopamine boosts can challenge previous steadiness, energy levels and ability to focus. Life begins to wobble.

As you can see, there are many reasons, often beyond your control, that might lead you to your tipping point. A tipping point means that you are at a crossroads. You have a choice which way you will react. You can continue down that path to chaos and overwhelm, or you can get restructured and relearn ways to to cope and get back on track.

Relaxation is our body’s way of rejuvenating. It allows time for our mind and body to repair. It has also been shown that relaxing improves our mood and improves brain function and memory. When we are relaxed we tend to make better decisions. We are less impulsive and able to be more rational and have better clarity.

There are several health benefits to relaxation as well. Relaxation lowers the risk for depression and anxiety, hypertension, heart attacks, and other heart-related problems. It can also boost our immunity and lower the risk for catching colds. If we are stress eaters, relaxation can keep away those unwanted pounds.

When working with clients or even talking with friends, the most common excuse for not relaxing is “I don’t have the time.” This is probably very true for a lot of people. However, if we don’t have time to relax, we have to make time to relax. A wise person once told me if I didn’t learn how to rest, my body would take a permanent rest for me. That was a nice wake-up call.

Relaxation can be incorporated into our daily schedules. It’s not always easy, but it can be done.

For starters, you may wish to start your day a little earlier. I’m a chronic “snooze-hitter” myself, but I find that if I wake up a few minutes earlier, I don’t have to rush through my morning routine. Instead of running out of the house with my hot cup of tea, I actually have time to sit and enjoy it.

You may also try having designated times just to relax, even if only for a few minutes. I try to schedule these during my workday. When I take my break, I make sure I take it away from all work and engage in something relaxing. We schedule other important aspects of our lives – why not relaxation?

Challenge yourself to have a least a few minutes every day to free your mind. I call this “Free Your Mind for Five.” You can do it longer if you wish, but I try to commit to at least five minutes. I’ve found it easiest to incorporate this into my daily commute home before picking up my daughter.

For at least five minutes I ride in silence. I don’t answer the phone or turn the radio on, and use that time to decompress. I try to use this time for mindfulness techniques such as focusing on my breathing. I also take the time to observe my surroundings, but only in traffic or at stoplights (it is important to be a safe driver).

When all else fails, I try to escape. I think we can all appreciate a nice vacation, but more often than not we associate vacations with taking a trip to a great destination. What if we can’t take a “real” vacation? Consider what I call mental and emotional vacations; simply getting away from negative thinking, negative emotions, stress, or overwhelming situations. Getting away can be as simple as changing your surroundings. This can be done by taking a walk outside. If you don’t have that luxury, escape to the bathroom – no one really ever questions that. If all else fails, visualize being somewhere else.

The benefits of relaxation are numerous. It’s healthy to indulge in some self-care from time to time. By learning to incorporate periods of relaxation throughout your day, you will find a healthier, happier you.

Time management skills are like shoes or a good pair of jeans — you may have to try several pair before you find just the right fit. They’re different for each person and you have to find what works best for you. Below are a few that work for me which you may want to borrow.

1. Make a list.The thing about making lists is that you actually have to use them. You may want to set reminders on your phone and computer.Lists really do work if you use them. One of the most important things is to make sure your list feels attainable. No one wants a 30-item to-do list and have to, at the end of the day, look at the 20 items that didn’t get done. Prioritize yours and others’ needs and plan accordingly. You might even want to make three lists — personal, home and work.
2. Set deadlines. Again, there is no point in setting deadlines if you make executive decisions to always push them back. Set a deadline and try your best to stick to it. Set your deadline a few days before the task absolutely has to be done. This allows for the possibility that other things will get in the way, but also allow for you still to get the task done.
3. Stop multi-tasking. Multitaskers often seem to think they get more accomplished, but it’s not always the most productive or efficient route. Let’s face it, our minds work better when we are truly able to focus and concentrate on one thing.
4. Delegate responsibilities. For those of us who like to be in control the very thought of this is likely to provoke a bit of anxiety. The truth of the matter is that no matter how good we are, we can’t do everything. Sometimes we take on more than we can handle. Delegation is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of intelligence. Find competent, reliable people and share some of the responsibilities. It will allow you to be less stressed and more productive.
5. Use your downtime. This tip requires some balance. Using all of your downtime for planning and prioritizing is bad and can lead to increased stress and burnout. However, if you find yourself sitting in early morning traffic, this may be a good time to start prioritizing your day or making plans for dinner. If you’re waiting in the doctor’s office, this may be a good time to write the grocery list. (Just don’t forget it.) If you have opportunities like these make the best of them, but also remember to use them for relaxation as needed.
6. Reward yourself.When you accomplish something, celebrate it! How you celebrate is up to you. My word of advice is to keep whatever you choose to do healthy, make sure it’s something you really enjoy, don’t do it in excess, and don’t let it cause you to get further behind.Time management skills are an essential part of making your day just a little easier. Find what works for you and stick to it.

Stop! Before you reserve the moving truck or buy the ring, take the time to discuss the issues that can make or break your relationship. Love really isn’t enough. Once the pheromones calm down, once you get over the intoxicating time of new love, how you handle these topics will decide whether you will have lasting love. It’s essential that you are on the same page, or at least in the same chapter, when it comes to your feelings or convictions about each one.

Fidelity. Do you have a common understanding of what being faithful means? What would each of you consider to be “cheating”? Is it okay with you if your partner has friends of the other gender? Where is the line between being a friend to others and doing things that will jeopardize your relationship?

Sex. Few couples keep up the frequency and intensity of new-love sex. What is a comfortable rhythm for each of you? When and how and how often do you like to have sex? If you like it in the evening and your partner only wants it in the morning, it can be trouble. How adventuresome or athletic are you each willing to be? How generous are you in satisfying each other?

Money. This is even harder for many couples to talk about than fidelity and sex. What are your attitudes about who should provide for the family? Who should pay the bills? Do you have similar ideas about what should be mine, yours, and ours? Have you been honest about any debts that you are bringing into the relationship? Are you on the same page about how money is spent and how much should be saved? Who is going to take responsibility for such things as insurance, taxes, and retirement accounts?

Work. What is the role of work in each of your lives? Are you in agreement about how hard each of you should work and the choices you should each make about bringing in the money? If one or both of you is in a high-powered career, what are you each willing to sacrifice to make it possible? If one of you out-earns the other, does it matter in terms of decision-making? Will the agreement change if you have children?

Leisure time. What are your ideas about how much of your leisure time you spend together and how much you spend with your individual friends? Is it okay with each of you for the other to go out for a guys’ or girls’ night out? Do you have strong feelings about what can happen then? What do you like to do together that will ensure that you will continue to have some fun as a couple?

Health and fitness. Related to the use of leisure time is how you each regard the importance of the basics: getting enough sleep, eating well, getting in some exercise as part of your routine. Are you in agreement about bedtime and about nutritional choices? Are you supportive of each other in building activity into your lives? Do you have similar views about getting to the dentist and routine doctor visits?

Social media and gaming. What is the place of video gaming, texting, and computer surfing and chatting in your lives? Do either of you have strong feelings that some sites or games aren’t appropriate? How much time can be devoted to gaming and screen time before it becomes a threat to your relationship?

Church, charity and volunteering. Do you share religious or spiritual beliefs? If not, do you respect each other’s? If you have children, will there be issues about which religion they will be raised in? Do you agree about how much time and money should go to charitable work and volunteering to better your community?

Kids. Are you on the same page about having children? If you are going to have kids, do you have similar ideas about when and how many? How about discipline? Do you share an approach to child-rearing? And how will you each distribute time for childcare, carpools, kid activities, and family time?

Relationships with in-laws. How much time do you think you should spend with relatives? What occasions are non-negotiable events for each family? Where do you set your boundaries? Are relatives welcome to drop in any time they please or do they need to have an engraved invitation three months in advance to visit you?

Chores. Arguments about who cleans what have pulled many couples apart. Do you have similar ideas about who should do the laundry, the food shopping, the cooking, the cleanup after dinner, and the general straightening up of the house? Who is supposed to take care of the trash, the yard, the snow shoveling? It’s easy to fall into stereotypical roles that neither person likes. Do you have shared standards for how clean is clean enough?

Partying. Are you in agreement about the use of alcohol and recreational drugs? Gambling may also fit into this category. How much, if any, is okay? When do you think someone has crossed the line and it is a problem? What will you do if that happens?

Conflict. How do you each handle conflict? Do you have the tools you need to negotiate differences? Do you avoid conflict? Blow up? Stomp off? How should your partner handle it when you are upset or angry?

Planning for the future. As heady as the present may be, if your relationship is to last, the two of you also need to be on the same page about where you think you are headed. Do you have similar goals? Are you mutually committed to those goals? Of course, goals may evolve and change but it’s important to have some idea of what you both hope for the future.

Don’t assume that of course you and your true love are in agreement just because you are in love. Once the wonderful haze of new love settles into daily loving, these are the issues that can become deal breakers. Better to talk about them before making a commitment than to find yourselves astonished, angry, and saddened by huge differences that can’t be resolved. Serious discussion now can prevent a painful breakup later. Even more important, conversations about these issues can help you get to know each other better and to lay down a united and strong foundation for your relationship.

Life is full of stress. Sometimes it comes and goes and sometimes it lingers. Sometimes our stressors are small, and sometimes they are big. Stress may come from within or come from an outside source. There are different types and causes of stress. Understanding stress is an important part of stress management.

Stress management gives us the opportunity to take a step back and reset. We don’t want to wait until our bodies give us signals that we are dealing with too much stress. We want to be able to recognize stress as it comes and deal with it effectively.

There are two main types of stress — acute stress and chronic stress.

Acute stress is the body’s immediate reaction to a perceived threat. This is often referred to as the fight-or-flight response. This type of stress isn’t always bad. It can propel you to move away from danger, or in some cases even give you energy. Generally, acute stress does not cause significant problems. When acute stress occurs frequently or on a regular basis it can trigger anxiety, panic attacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other health-related issues.

Chronic stress occurs when there are several acute stressors that don’t go away. The body does not have a fight-or-flight response to this type of stress. As a matter of fact, you may not even recognize this type of stress at all. It typically builds up over time and the effects may be more problematic and cause longer-lasting issues.

One of the best ways to identify stressors is to keep a “stress journal.” As you recognize feelings of frustration, anxiety, overwhelm, or any other negative feelings, write down the situation or challenge. You may even want to rate the intensity on a scale of 1-10. By writing down your stressors, you may identify some patterns and triggers. Take time to recognize if the stress feels temporary or if it lingers throughout the day or longer. Observe if you are triggered by small things or larger issues. Lastly, identify if they are internal or external stressors.

Most of our internal stressors come from our own thoughts and beliefs. We have the ability to control these, but sometimes we become plagued by worry, anxiety, uncertainty, fears, and other forms of negativity. Identify if this is true for you.

External stressors are things that happen to us that we often cannot control. These are unpredictable events such as new deadlines or unexpected financial issues. These types of stressors can also include major life changes — positive or negative. These can include a promotion, the birth or adoption of a child, or unexpected health issues or death of a loved one.

You may wish to research some online stress tests. There are several versions that determine stress levels with a high degree of accuracy.

Once you have identified your triggers, you can start thinking of ways to manage your stress. You may wish to engage in relaxation, meditation, mindfulness exercises, or other stress management techniques. It is important to remember stress management techniques are often not an immediate cure. These techniques sometimes need to be practiced and used over time to be effective.

Recognizing stress is just the first step toward managing it. You may not be able to eliminate it because life happens, but you can learn to cope better. If you find that your stress is chronic and you do not feel you are able to cope or you begin recognizing mental or physical symptoms that indicate you are under too much stress, consult with a physician or therapist.

If so, were you surprised because you hadn’t even noticed what you were feeling lately? Career, home, and other activities can get overwhelming. When it’s time to take something off your plate, how do you handle it?

• Recognize your body signals. The time comes when our stressed-out brain can’t take it anymore and our body begins to suffer the consequences. Our neck and back begin to ache. Our sleeping becomes disturbed and our appetite changes. We often get sick and begin to experience pains we didn’t know were possible.

  Are you able to recognize your body signals when your plate is getting stacked up too high?

• Notice your feelings. Are you irritable all the time? Sad, frustrated, angry, overly sensitive and lacking in confidence? Take a look at your feelings and notice if the “present” you is the “normal” you. If the answer is no, it’s time to make adjustments.
• What are your thoughts saying? Individuals with perfectionism tend to have overcrowded plates. Their thinking often includes a set of negative beliefs. These beliefs can distort the way they look at themselves and others. They may think, “If I don’t say yes, they’ll probably think I don’t care about them, or they’ll hate me.” This is an all-or-nothing type of thinking.

  Is your vocabulary full of should and ought-to statements? You may jump to conclusions when you think others are judging you because you are not doing enough or fulfilling others’ expectations.

  Have you noticed your thinking patterns? Before changing your negative thoughts, you need to become aware of them.

• Give something up. As difficult as this may be, at one time or another we may need to reconsider what we keep on our plate. I had an acquaintance who often would complain about her plate being too full. I asked her if there was something she could do without. She’d proceed to enumerate all that occupied her and say they were all important for one reason or another. She was not willing to take anything off, but was willing to be a victim of her own choosing. Sadly, she made those around her miserable because she didn’t want to make adjustments. The truth is, we have a choice!
• Worries. Once there was a psychologist who taught a valuable lesson regarding stress management to her audience. She raised a glass of water that was half full. Everyone expected to hear the lesson about the “half empty or half full” glass metaphor. To their surprise, the lesson had nothing to do with that. Her object lesson was about holding the glass up and its effect on the person’s arm. The longer it was held, the heavier it became.

  She then compared holding that glass with the stresses we endure. She reminded her audience that the longer they hold onto their worries the more burdensome they become. Holding them for a very long period of time can paralyze us.

• Say no. How did you respond the last time a friend asked you for a favor and you couldn’t say no? Were you concerned about your relationship? What if it’s your boss, professor, employee, or neighbor asking? Is the answer always yes?

  You really can choose what you take on. Sometimes individuals believe they can do it all if they’d just organize themselves better. I know some people who are great at keeping and completing their to-do list. They are efficient organizers, yet they exhaust themselves finishing that list. Unfortunately, their fear — offending someone — ends up happening because they overextend themselves.

  Assertiveness training may be in order if you have a difficult time saying no. Work on your need to please everyone. Remember it’s impossible to please everyone, and you end up losing when you try.

• Prioritize. Your values and standards come into play here. At the end of the day, what is it that you care about the most? There may be days when you are overscheduled. What will you choose? Someone once said, you are what you do the most. Decide what’s important, count your losses and move on.
• Find a balance. Nutritionists tell us we need certain amounts of protein, carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables each day. What are you putting on your life plate? Orison Swett Marden once said, “Work, love, and play are the great balance wheels of man’s being.” Are you including play and love activities?
• Love thyself. Before we can attend to others, we first need to strengthen ourselves and take care of our emotional, physical and mental well-being. Taking 30 to 60 minutes each day to keep ourselves spiritually, emotionally, and physically fit is not unreasonable. In the long run, taking care of ourselves will make us stronger so we can be there for our loved ones.
• Enjoy yourself. It’s time to make that stacked-up plate lighter and go play with your children, friends, and loved ones. When worrisome thoughts come in, put them on pause until later. Taking a break is healthy and in the long run will help you maintain the balance you need in life. You know yourself — so do what brings you true joy. Only keep on your plate what “really” needs to be there!

But that’s why it’s so important to have an assortment of tools and techniques at your disposal. This way, when stress strikes, you have an army of options to deal with it healthfully.

Below, Duffy and other clinicians reveal how they reduce and manage their stress.

Before you can deal with stress, you need to recognize that you’re actually stressed out, which isn’t always obvious. “In order for me to de-stress, I need to acknowledge my stress-state in the first place,” Duffy said. For warning signs, he zeroes in on his body. “I have certain tells, like tapping my feet or slipping into a headache.”

Duffy de-stresses by writing, exercising and being with loved ones.

I write to de-stress, and this is highly effective for me. I get lost in that creative process, especially if I can get into the flow of it, and stress is a non-factor.

I can say the same for exercise. When I am running or working out, it is incongruous with stress for me.

Perhaps the best day-to-day stress manager in my life is spending time with my family and friends. And I know that if I’m laughing, I’m good.

Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book, Living with Depression, focuses on soothing her senses, and sneaks in moments of self-care, even on the busiest of days.

I have so many things I do when I’m stressed out. I’m a very sense-oriented person, so my de-stressing toolkit involves cooking, gardening, painting, meditation, yoga, catnapping, taking a walk, listening to music, lingering in the fresh air of an open window, a lavender-scented bath or nursing a cup of chamomile tea.

I have to say that I truly make “time for me” a significant priority, even if it means sitting in my car for just a few minutes during a busy day with the sunroof open, my seat tilted back just right, the radio playing soft jazz while I sip a warm latte. Just don’t bother me should you spot me in the Starbucks parking lot, okay?

Jeffrey Sumber, M.A., a psychotherapist, author and teacher, takes a meditative – and humorous — approach to stress.

When I’m stressed out I like to cook really healthy food. I like to spend time at Whole Foods getting super clean ingredients and then I like to chop vegetables, make sauces, etc., until I have a great tasting, healthy dish to enjoy.

The process is meditative and ideal for me on practical levels as well! Then I take a picture of the dish and post it to Facebook so my friends are jealous.

I also like to take the dog for a long walk so I can sort of zone out while he enjoys his exercise.

Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the blog “In Therapy,” approaches stress like he does therapy.

My best protection from stress is the therapy frame: the boundaries of time, place, and role that give structure to therapy. For example, I do my best to begin and end sessions on time so I have 10 minutes each hour to write a note, return a phone call, eat a snack, and strum on the guitar I’ve had sitting by my desk for the past decade. Those 10 minutes are my time to recharge, refresh, and prepare for the next session.

I’m not rigid about this. Sometimes a session needs to run a few minutes long, but I try to hold tight to that boundary because I know it benefits me and my clients in the long run.

I also try to leave work at work by completing my notes, phone calls, and business busywork at the office.

Howes also has a variety of outlets that help him deal with stress. Seeing his own therapist is a major one.

When I’m away from work, I have my family, friends, basketball league, running, writing, and my endless quest to create the perfect tomato sauce. I’ve tried 200 recipes and I’m not there yet.

I’m also in therapy and will continue therapy as long as I’m seeing clients. I ask other therapists to do the same, or at least seek regular consultation or supervision. I believe outlets like this and feedback on your work is essential.

For Christina G. Hibbert, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and expert in postpartum mental health, daily habits are vital in staving off stress, and coping with it.

As a psychologist and mom of 6, I must admit I feel stressed more often than I’d like. The good news is that, over the years, I’ve learned to see stress coming and tackle it before it gets out of hand.

As a wise person once said, “…calm is something you must go after, whereas stress comes after you” (Judith Orloff, MD). Stress certainly comes after me, so I seek the “calm” in the following ways.

My daily habits help the most, to both prevent and manage stress. These include: morning exercise, scripture study, meditation, and prayer; putting foods in my body that give me energy; and getting to bed in time to get a good night’s sleep (when my kids will let me!).

I also take a daily “rest” before my kids get home from school (or if they’re home, I make them rest too), so I can lay down, take a nap, read, or just unwind for a bit.

For stressed out muscles, I get a deep tissue massage at least once a month, and I’m a big fan of a hot bath on a cold day.

Hibbert turns to cognitive-behavioral techniques to cope with distorted thinking, which only exacerbates stress.

When stress levels rise, I use cognitive-behavioral techniques to manage my thinking—one of the best tools I’ve ever learned for stress management (check out my article on “Thought Management”). This helps me see what my mind is saying and gives me the opportunity to turn it into something more realistic.

She also uses stress as important information to scale back on commitments and focus more on savoring life.

I tend to be “all-or-nothing,” so I also examine my commitments and start saying “no” a little bit more. Mostly I take stress as a sign that I am doing too much. It’s a great warning signal that I need to go back to the basics again—to slow down, let love in, let go of “doing” so much and just “be” for a while.

When stress gets so overwhelming, it’s paralyzing. Joyce Marter, LCPC, a therapist and owner of the counseling practice Urban Balance, uses a tip from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

I know that in AA, they talk about “doing the next right thing.” When I get stressed out, I sometimes become almost paralyzed with feelings of overwhelm. I find that doing anything proactive, even something simple like straightening up my space, will make me feel better. Once I gain momentum, I tackle the things that need to be addressed to alleviate the stress.

Like the other clinicians, Marter also has a collection of tools, which includes cranking up self-care, calming uneasy thoughts and putting stress into perspective.

I increase self-care, such as exercise, proper nutrition and rest.

I practice mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing and meditation, to ground me in the present. This helps me to stop obsessing about the past or worrying about the future, and to realize that basically everything is okay in the present moment.

I silence my inner critic and replacing that voice with a positive mantra, such as “I am only human and am doing the best that I can.”

I take everything off my plate that isn’t imperative and delegate what I can.

I share with my core support system and ask them for help.

I try to remember that stress ebbs and flows and “this too shall pass.”

I try to “zoom out” and gain perspective. If it isn’t a matter of life and death, I try not to be too serious and remember to see the humorous aspects that exist in most situations.

I try to detach from ego and focus on my essence — meaning rather than defending my sense of self (which can be very stressful), I try to let go and live life from a deeper, wiser, spiritual entity within.

Stress is inevitable. And when it strikes, it can feel like you’re being attacked from all sides. That’s why having healthy tools to turn to is critical. Maybe the above techniques resonate with you. Or maybe they help you brainstorm your own set of de-stressing activities. Either way, having a plan to prevent and handle stress can be the difference between falling from a cliff and tripping over a pebble in your path.

Valdes-Perez is an entrepreneur with a background in business. He also holds a Ph.D. in computer science. “Advice is for Winners” is his attempt to impart wisdom on the act of advice seeking. He explains the typical reasons for avoiding the process of seeking advice, the history of advice and self-help books, and proven methods for getting opinions from others. He uses scientific research, personal experience, and the experiences of others to illustrate his points and support his theories. Some aspects of his endeavor are successful, while others have little use.

The first third of the book focuses on the purpose of seeking advice. The author takes ample time deconstructing each of 28 reasons why people tend to not seek advice, which reasons, he says, fall into four main categories: intellectual, social, emotional, and biological. Those who don’t tend to, Valdes-Perez writes, may, for instance, be unsure how to go about it (an intellectual reason), believe that doing so would show weakness (an emotional reason), or not want to take up other people’s time (a social reason).

After analyzing each of the reasons given in detail, the next three chapters focus on wisdom from advice books, scientific research, and proverbs. Valdes-Perez states that these chapters are to “review” previous studies of advice seeking. However, they seemed little more than filler. Had they come toward the end of the book, this wouldn’t have been such an issue. But because of their placement toward the beginning, the real “meat” of the book does not begin until 80 pages in.

After this section, Valdes-Perez does provide a clear map of advice-seeking strategies. He outlines methods for determining if a decision requires advice seeking, and, if so, how to pick an appropriate advisor. He also provides a 22-question, true-false survey to determine if a scenario requires outside help. The true-false statements include:

• There is enough time to get advice before I take action.
• It matters a lot if I do the wrong thing.
• Other people before me have often faced a similar problem.

Using the true-false statements, a reader can judge whether or not the decision they are facing warrants asking someone for input. This section is probably one of the best aspects of this book.  It is clear, concise, and quick to use. It also can keep an overzealous person from seeking advice on every situation that presents itself. Valdes-Perez supplies a table that assists the reader in matching the advisor’s qualities with the needs of the advisee. The table allows for rules to be made in the form of “If you need A, seek someone who’s B.”

Valdes-Perez provides another outline for readers to use in order to prepare for speaking with their advisor. It is a step-by-step approach; however, the author does point out that this is simplified and is not for every scenario.

The last third of the book addresses various aspects that can influence advice seeking. For instance, Valdes-Perez spends a chapter discussing the role of internet searches. He states:

“If the Web or social media can enable confident, convincing explanations, and you don’t need personalized legitimation or ongoing support from advisors, and if you don’t see this as an opportunity for constructive social engagement, or you are socially handicapped, then the Web and social media may be good enough for your needs and no personalized advice is needed.”

He goes on to share that if this is not the case, the Web is better utilized as a complement to seeking input from a person.

Valdes-Perez makes an excellent point about “closing the loop”: that the advisee should make the effort to let the advisor know how a scenario turned out. Was the advice taken? What decision was ultimately made? Especially in scenarios when the advisor points the advisee to a third party, it is important to reach out to the original advisor, he tells us. If the encounter did not go well, the introducer’s reputation could be at risk and following up with them can clarify any misunderstandings or misconceptions that took place.

Overall, this is a satisfactory text on seeking out advice. There are some great points and insights. However, in addition to the pointless filler chapters, which take away from the book, Valdes-Perez’s writing is more flowery than necessary. For instance, the last sentence of the first chapter reads: “Having arrived at our destination, we’ll notice new productive and fulfilling paths to follow that would have stayed unseen if we had jetted to the destination, unaware of the rich terrain below, instead of hiking and taking it all in.”

I understand the desire to create an image to be carried throughout the book (he kept up with the journey and destination analogy), but is it really necessary to be so descriptive? This is a self-help book, not a travel guidebook to draw the reader’s imagination to the picturesque landscape.

Still, I would recommend this book to those who are struggling with seeking advice. (Some free advice right there!) Valdes-Perez lays out tips very clearly — and he provides the pep talk that some may need to take the first step.

Advice is for Winners: How to Get Advice for Better Decisions in Life and Work
Ganador Press, October, 2012
Paperback, 182 Pages
$12.99

In today’s economy, more and more unemployed people are finding it increasingly difficult to find work. As a result, many people are taking whatever jobs they can find — even undesirable jobs such as shift work.

Shift work jobs can leave both partners with very different feelings. For example, the partner working the job may experience feelings of guilt regarding being away from the home. They may feel frustrated and “left out” due to being unable to participate in particular events or family time. This worker also may experience increased stress, feelings of overwhelm, and even irritability due to inconsistent sleep patterns combined with other emotions.

On the other hand, the other partner with more regular hours may experience feelings of loneliness. If there are children or others to be cared for in the home, this partner may feel a greater sense of responsibility and accountability. These feelings may lead to resentment and frustration.

Shift work may not be the ideal way of working or living, but it may be necessary to make ends meet or to keep employment. However, even with all of the negative things stated, there is hope.
If you and your partner work different shifts, there are ways to ensure you still maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Consider the following tips:

1. Call or text during breaks.

   This simple gesture will keep communication open throughout the day. If possible, try to keep the conversations light. Avoid talking about things that require more time than you have or that could create negative feelings.

2. Remember, quality is better than quantity.

   You and your partner may not have tons of time to spend together, but you can make the most of the time you have. Set a date or plan a fun activity during your next available time together and make the most out of whatever you do.

3. Leave little reminders of your love.

   Little reminders can come in the form of a note or a simple gift. Leave your partner items in surprising places such as the car, the bathroom, or even the fridge. This will let your partner know that you are thinking of them and leave them thinking of you as well. If you’re not really into notes or don’t have time or money for small gifts, consider completing a chore for your partner. This will show that you are considerate of his or her feelings and willing to pitch in to help in any way you can.

4. Set aside time for “business talk.”

   When partners have different, hectic schedules there is little time for anything. You don’t want the majority of your time spent talking about serious matters such as finances, household issues, etc. Set aside a specific time to address these issues so the remaining time can be enjoyed to the fullest.

5. Check in emotionally.

   In the chaos of hectic days we can remember to say “hi” or ask “how are you?” in passing. We may also get to squeeze in an “I love you” and “can you pick up some milk?” We want to make sure that we are checking in with our partners on a deeper level. Take the time to know how your partner is really feeling. As mentioned earlier, each spouse can experience various emotions as a result of their roles. Talk about these feelings and discuss what can be done to help both partners fell more comfortable.

Shift work doesn’t have to be miserable for partners, nor does it have to be a death sentence to your relationship. Relationships take hard work. For partners who have very different schedules, hectic lifestyles, or minimal time to spend together, these relationships may require a little extra work. You may choose to use some or all of the tips in this article or you may choose to use none. Evaluate your relationship, look at your partner’s needs, and do whatever is necessary to keep your relationship healthy. Don’t let shift work get the best of you.

Once I learned the initial basic stitches, I was hooked (pun intended). I spent hours in my dorm room crocheting scarves or just crocheting a single stitch over and over. I would go into a completely meditative state and even if there was music or a TV on in the background, I never really absorbed what I was hearing. Now, many years later, crochet is my go-to therapy. In moments of stress and anxiety, my fingers begin to itch for the feel of the hook in one hand and the yarn in the other.

Kathryn Vercillo has written a book that accurately describes that experience and the experience that many others go through when turning to crochet for comfort or relief. Crochet Saved My Life looks deep into the healing power of crochet, knitting, and other needlecraft work, both mentally and physically. Vercillo is a freelance writer, blogger, and crafter whose experience with depression and the relief she found in crochet inspired the book. In it, she describes how she summoned up the strength to drop the knife she once held at her wrist and replace it with a spool of yarn.

In addition to telling her own story, Vercillo tells the tales of many women and men who have found comfort, peace, and solace in the craft. Her book is separated into sections that address the affects of crocheting/knitting on various mental and physical conditions. In addition to the main chapters are the full stories of people she interviewed for the book, including their personal struggles and how crocheting or knitting came to be a part of their recovery or treatment. Her subjects have been through depression, anxiety, OCD, schizophrenia, multiple sclerosis, and Menière’s disease. In her discussion of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Vercillo refers to Monique Lang, LCSW. Lang’s quote sums up the chapter on PTSD: “When life has done something that treats you horribly, you need to go overboard in treating yourself well to make up for that while you are healing.”

The author’s introduction is poignant. “Crochet can serve as a form of meditation,” she writes. “It provides you with a focused task that distracts you from the drama that sometimes takes over the brain and tries to wreak havoc there. And it allows you to feel like you are producing and creating something even when you can’t get out of bed and you can barely open your eyes to notice the passing of one day into another.”

But Vercillo is careful to point out that crochet is not a cure-all, nor the only method to combat a mental or physical condition. When discussing the calming effects crochet may have on symptoms of schizophrenia, she points out that the evidence she has to support her claim is minimal and relies heavily on stories shared by interviewees. She reminds us many times that she is not a medical professional in any capacity. She is simply sharing an experience that she has had and that many others seem to have in common. Still, Vercillo does not just use anecdotes to support her claim: Her list of references is substantial and included at the end of the book, with sources ranging from journal articles to governmental documents.

The back of the book also provides a list of resources for crocheters. There are online communities, classes, and professional organizations, interesting websites that discuss crocheting/knitting in relation to various conditions, and recommended books.

My one complaint about the text is the sections describing the individual tales of the interviewees. Although these histories are important for filling in gaps and clarifying how crochet or knit played into these people’s lives, Vercillo shares so much of the details within the main chapters that the individual sections dedicated to them feel redundant. I grew tired of rereading these people’s stories when I had just read them only a few pages prior. At times, they seemed like page fillers rather than informative parts of the book.

Overall, though, Crochet Saved My Life is a worthwhile read. As an avid crafter and crocheter, I found the book at times enlightening, and could relate to much of it. Vercillo’s ability to weave statistics and reports into her narrative is also impressive. Her tone is friendly and sensitive while also being professional and direct—she does not sugar-coat or play down the intensity that can be found within each individual condition she addresses. Nor does she attempt to trump modern medicine or therapy with the value of needlework.

The author’s message, simple as it may be, is that the meditative power of crochet and knit could potentially bring a wealth of comfort and clarity to the suffering and the stressed. I, for one, could not agree more.

Crochet Saved My Life
CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, April, 2012
Paperback, 304 pages
$17.95

All are good ideas if the problem merely is that you need a jumpstart to the work week. But such suggestions are beside the point if there is a real and important underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Sometimes the resistance to Monday is an inner emotional alarm going off. If that’s the case, taking a cold shower or drinking a cup of coffee won’t solve your Monday Blues any more than taking the battery out of a smoke detector will stop a fire.

Hate Mondays? Maybe you aren’t paying attention to one of these signals:

1. Your job isn’t really “workable.”

Let’s face it: For many, work has become much more demanding in the last 10 years. As companies cut personnel to cut costs, those left are expected to do more and more. Those who have been in their jobs for a long time often have high personal standards for quality that are almost impossible to meet with the increased workload. It’s exhausting and discouraging to feel like “the hurrieder you go, the behinder you get.” It may be appropriate to talk with your supervisor about adjusting your own or the company’s standards. If that’s impossible, it may be time to consider whether you can find a different job.

2. Your job isn’t satisfying.

Only a lucky few have jobs that are thrilling, satisfying, enjoyable, and enriching every minute of every day. Most of us have a whole lot of routine mixed in with occasional periods of excitement, or at least satisfaction. If those moments are few and far between, get busy. You may be able to up the portion of the time that you are happy in your work. Is there a project you could take on that would renew your interest? Is there a way to change your job within the company, either by going for a promotion or through a lateral move that would give you new opportunities? Does the human resources department offer workshops you could take to develop new skills?

3. Your life is out of balance.

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” (or Jane a cranky girl.) It’s an old saying that is never irrelevant. If your life is work, work, work, of course you feel out of sorts. No matter how important our work is, we need to remember to refuel through self-care. That includes developing a hobby or interest, taking time for some fun and vacations (or stay-cations), and doing the usual daily regimen of eating right, sleeping enough, and getting some exercise. If you only take care of yourself on weekends, Monday morning is the beginning of five days of deprivation. Not good. Take the time to reassess how you are managing the balance of your life during the week.

4. Your job is hostile to your relationships.

Jobs that require long hours, or that require you to take work home or put in time on the weekends, are killers to family life and friendship maintenance. It’s sad to see parents at kids’ events who couldn’t leave their laptops at home. Friends get impatient with friends who interrupt a social evening to take a business phone call. Yes, these folks are in attendance, but they aren’t really there. Your discontent with your job may be a signal that you are missing out on too much of the warmth and intimacy you need from your relationships. Take a careful look at how you can manage the demands of your job in such a way that it doesn’t cost you love.

5. Your attitude toward work needs adjustment.

We do get what we expect. For some people, work is a four-letter word. Work is, well, “work.” It’s seen as the opposite of fun, the nasty dinner you have to eat before you get to have dessert. When a person has developed an attitude that any work or chore or required activity is a major distraction from enjoyment, Monday morning is, by definition, a downer. If that’s the case, it’s time for an attitude transplant. Unless you are one of the fortunate few to win the lottery or to inherit a trust fund, you’ll be working a great many hours of your life. Better to find a way to embrace it, and, yes, even enjoy it.

6. You are struggling with depression.

Depression can sneak up on a person. It may not be the job that is pulling you down. It may be that you are becoming clinically depressed. Is your appetite off? Are you having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep? Has your interest in sex plummeted? Does doing things that used to be pleasurable for you seem like just too much effort? These could be the signs of depression. Consider going to see a mental health counselor for an evaluation. If you are depressed, the counselor will discuss possible treatment options. This may include some medication and some talk therapy to help you get back to your old self.

Before you buy into the notion that Mondays are awful and simply can’t be changed, take another look. It’s important not to ignore the possibility that the awfulness resides in your choices, not in a day of the week. If that’s the case, you do have the option to make it better. Confront the issue, make some changes (and maybe give yourself that splash of cold water and a cup of coffee), and you can make Monday the start of a productive and satisfying week.