Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence for those with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and often becomes a vicious cycle. OCD isolates the sufferer, and this detachment from others, where the person suffering from OCD is left alone with nothing but his or her obsessions and compulsions, can exacerbate OCD.

In Dan’s case, many of his obsessions revolved around him causing harm to those he cares about. What better way to prevent this from happening than by avoiding friends and family? And this is exactly what he did. Even though in reality he could not even hurt a fly, in his mind the “safest” thing to do was to stay away from everyone. This is just one example of how OCD steals what’s most important to you.

Another common example is those OCD sufferers who have issues with germs. Avoiding any place or person that might carry germs (so pretty much everyone and everything) is about as isolating as you can get. Or maybe they are not even worried about getting sick themselves but rather are terrified they might contaminate others.

There are many other reasons why OCD sufferers might isolate themselves. Their compulsions might be so time-consuming that there is simply no time to interact with others; OCD has taken up every second of their lives. Or perhaps it is just too exhausting to be out in public, pretending everything is okay.

Let’s also not forget the stigma that is still associated with the disorder. Many with OCD live with the fear of being “found out.” How can they best prevent that from happening? Yup — they isolate themselves.

When someone is suffering deeply, whether it is with OCD, depression, or any illness, support from friends and family is crucial. Friends who reach out to the isolated person often are ignored, and after a while, they might stop trying.

This is what happened to Dan. I have no doubt his friends genuinely cared for him, but they didn’t realize the extent of his suffering, because Dan never let on. When their efforts to connect with him were rebuffed, they, not knowing what else to do, left him alone.

In some situations — college, for example — friends are the first ones to notice another friend’s isolation. Young people need to be made aware that withdrawal from others might be a serious cause for concern, and help should be sought.

OCD sufferers can isolate themselves from family as well. When Dan’s OCD was severe, we felt separated from him, even when he was living with us. He kept to himself and would not engage in conversation. He seemed as if he was in his own world, which in many ways he was: a world dictated by OCD. As difficult as it was to connect with him, our family never stopped trying, but it was mostly a one-sided effort. It wasn’t Dan’s fault that he couldn’t communicate with us, and it wasn’t our fault that we couldn’t get through to him. This insidious disease, OCD, was to blame.

While the Internet cannot take the place of face-to-face interaction, I do believe that social media sites have the potential to lessen the feelings of isolation that OCD sufferers feel. Connecting with others on forums, or even just reading about people who are suffering as they are, can help reduce loneliness, and in the best-case scenario, prompt those with OCD to seek appropriate help.

When those with OCD, or any mental illness, cut off those who care about them, they lose their lifeline. The support, encouragement and hope that are all so important for recovery no longer exists. I find this heartbreaking, as I truly believe the more we are pushed away, the more likely it is we are needed. This is something we should all be acutely aware of, and if we find ourselves or our loved ones becoming increasingly isolated, we should seek professional help immediately.

Stop! Before you reserve the moving truck or buy the ring, take the time to discuss the issues that can make or break your relationship. Love really isn’t enough. Once the pheromones calm down, once you get over the intoxicating time of new love, how you handle these topics will decide whether you will have lasting love. It’s essential that you are on the same page, or at least in the same chapter, when it comes to your feelings or convictions about each one.

Fidelity. Do you have a common understanding of what being faithful means? What would each of you consider to be “cheating”? Is it okay with you if your partner has friends of the other gender? Where is the line between being a friend to others and doing things that will jeopardize your relationship?

Sex. Few couples keep up the frequency and intensity of new-love sex. What is a comfortable rhythm for each of you? When and how and how often do you like to have sex? If you like it in the evening and your partner only wants it in the morning, it can be trouble. How adventuresome or athletic are you each willing to be? How generous are you in satisfying each other?

Money. This is even harder for many couples to talk about than fidelity and sex. What are your attitudes about who should provide for the family? Who should pay the bills? Do you have similar ideas about what should be mine, yours, and ours? Have you been honest about any debts that you are bringing into the relationship? Are you on the same page about how money is spent and how much should be saved? Who is going to take responsibility for such things as insurance, taxes, and retirement accounts?

Work. What is the role of work in each of your lives? Are you in agreement about how hard each of you should work and the choices you should each make about bringing in the money? If one or both of you is in a high-powered career, what are you each willing to sacrifice to make it possible? If one of you out-earns the other, does it matter in terms of decision-making? Will the agreement change if you have children?

Leisure time. What are your ideas about how much of your leisure time you spend together and how much you spend with your individual friends? Is it okay with each of you for the other to go out for a guys’ or girls’ night out? Do you have strong feelings about what can happen then? What do you like to do together that will ensure that you will continue to have some fun as a couple?

Health and fitness. Related to the use of leisure time is how you each regard the importance of the basics: getting enough sleep, eating well, getting in some exercise as part of your routine. Are you in agreement about bedtime and about nutritional choices? Are you supportive of each other in building activity into your lives? Do you have similar views about getting to the dentist and routine doctor visits?

Social media and gaming. What is the place of video gaming, texting, and computer surfing and chatting in your lives? Do either of you have strong feelings that some sites or games aren’t appropriate? How much time can be devoted to gaming and screen time before it becomes a threat to your relationship?

Church, charity and volunteering. Do you share religious or spiritual beliefs? If not, do you respect each other’s? If you have children, will there be issues about which religion they will be raised in? Do you agree about how much time and money should go to charitable work and volunteering to better your community?

Kids. Are you on the same page about having children? If you are going to have kids, do you have similar ideas about when and how many? How about discipline? Do you share an approach to child-rearing? And how will you each distribute time for childcare, carpools, kid activities, and family time?

Relationships with in-laws. How much time do you think you should spend with relatives? What occasions are non-negotiable events for each family? Where do you set your boundaries? Are relatives welcome to drop in any time they please or do they need to have an engraved invitation three months in advance to visit you?

Chores. Arguments about who cleans what have pulled many couples apart. Do you have similar ideas about who should do the laundry, the food shopping, the cooking, the cleanup after dinner, and the general straightening up of the house? Who is supposed to take care of the trash, the yard, the snow shoveling? It’s easy to fall into stereotypical roles that neither person likes. Do you have shared standards for how clean is clean enough?

Partying. Are you in agreement about the use of alcohol and recreational drugs? Gambling may also fit into this category. How much, if any, is okay? When do you think someone has crossed the line and it is a problem? What will you do if that happens?

Conflict. How do you each handle conflict? Do you have the tools you need to negotiate differences? Do you avoid conflict? Blow up? Stomp off? How should your partner handle it when you are upset or angry?

Planning for the future. As heady as the present may be, if your relationship is to last, the two of you also need to be on the same page about where you think you are headed. Do you have similar goals? Are you mutually committed to those goals? Of course, goals may evolve and change but it’s important to have some idea of what you both hope for the future.

Don’t assume that of course you and your true love are in agreement just because you are in love. Once the wonderful haze of new love settles into daily loving, these are the issues that can become deal breakers. Better to talk about them before making a commitment than to find yourselves astonished, angry, and saddened by huge differences that can’t be resolved. Serious discussion now can prevent a painful breakup later. Even more important, conversations about these issues can help you get to know each other better and to lay down a united and strong foundation for your relationship.

Online opportunities for learning and for earning college degrees have become pervasive in the last 10 years. Most two- and four-year colleges now offer online options. For-profit colleges that exist solely online now offer both undergraduate and graduate degrees.

Consortiums such as Coursera, a tech company that partners with universities worldwide, offer non-degree oriented, free classes for people who simply want to learn new things. This is a sea change in education.

And yet… Only 50 percent of students who register for online classes succeed. (This is compared to an average of 70 percent of students in traditional campus classes.) It’s not because those who fail aren’t smart. It’s not because they don’t have good intentions. Research has identified factors that have more to do with a student’s psychology than intelligence. My own experience as a teacher of online classes leads me to the same conclusion.

If you are considering taking online courses and want to be in the 50 percent who make it through (and with good grades), here are at least some of the variables that make a difference:

Be realistic about what you are taking on.

There seems to be a myth among at least some students that online classes are easier than campus classes. Generally they aren’t. You are signing on to wrestle with new material, to master new skills, or to increase your own knowledge base. A good online class will be as challenging as any course you’ve taken in a brick building.

Be realistic about your reality.

Most online students are adults with adult lives. That means families, jobs, and complicated schedules. Be sure you really have the time and energy to put eight to 10 hours a week into reading, researching and responding. Often the students who have had to drop my class have found it overwhelming to fit class work into already over-stressed lives. One man who did very well for the first few weeks found to his dismay that he had underestimated the effect of a new baby in the house. The needs of the baby and his need for sleep overwhelmed his ability to focus on the class.

Whatever your good intentions and optimism, there are only so many hours in a day and you only have so much energy. Before writing the check to take a class, be sure you can fit it into your schedule.

Be realistic about your own motivation and maturity.

Online learning requires that you “show up” and show up regularly. Often you will be responsible for making submissions that other students need in order to keep a discussion going. Since there is no set time to participate in class, it’s easy to let a day or two or four go by because of other obligations. That’s a setup for failure.

More than a few of my students have fallen by the wayside due to major issues with procrastination. If you procrastinate and get behind, it becomes harder and harder to get caught up. If you are irresponsible about doing your share of group work or getting assignments done on time, you risk alienating your classmates and annoying your teacher, who doesn’t have the time or the responsibility to chase you.

Be realistic about your time management skills.

Succeeding online means logging in every day or at least 5 days a week. It means doing the reading so you can do the assessments and assignments. It means taking the time to participate in the class discussions. Students in my classes who succeed treat the online course very much like a part-time job. They set aside regular, predictable time to do the work. They keep a calendar to make sure they meet deadlines and immediately do makeup work if they had to be “absent” for a day.

Be realistic about your willingness to engage with others.

Ironically, your professor and classmates will get to know you online at least as well, and often better, than if you were sitting together in class. Campus students can be virtually invisible by not volunteering in class. Online learning requires that you be out there, visible and engaged. Success comes to those who post regularly, who show that they have thought hard about the readings, and who contribute novel and interesting ideas to discussions.

Success also comes from encouraging others, from asking good questions, and from being willing to be challenged. When people engage in discussions without attacking others and without being defensive about their own contributions, discussions can be very rich and meaningful. One of my classes only requires three posts a week. The students who do best in terms of mastering the material are often showing up 10 – 12 times, sometimes with just a word or two of encouragement for a classmate, sometimes with a new insight into the material, sometimes with an anecdote from their own life that highlights something we’re talking about. These are the students who breathe life into the class. Often they are also the students who truly master the course.

Be realistic about your skill with words.

For now, at least, online learning generally requires communicating well in writing. “Discussions” are all by posts. Group work is through written chats within the class. Your words represent you. Poor grammar, spelling mistakes, rambling prose, or confusing paragraphs will get in the way of success, no matter how good your ideas may be. Teachers and peers don’t have the energy and patience to decipher your meaning. If you aren’t confident about your ability to communicate well in writing, it would be wise to get a tutor to help you hone your skills before tackling a course online. Another option is to first take an online course in expository writing.

Be realistic about your skill on a computer.

If you aren’t a reasonably competent typist, if you don’t know your way around Word or have difficulty learning how to navigate a platform, you’ll quickly become frustrated with the whole enterprise. Frustrated people tend to get anxious and annoyed. Often they fall behind and then get so discouraged they drop out. And please: Don’t do as one of my students did and ask your mother to do your typing. He often lost points because she didn’t have time to be his typist when he had deadlines. More to the point, it made me question who was really writing the responses.

It’s a new world. I fully expect that the boundaries between campus and online learning will continue to blur as an inevitable outcome of technological advances. The best online students are those who find it exciting to be on the cutting edge of change and who engage in class with curiosity and enthusiasm. As for me, I thoroughly enjoy getting to know my online students and watching them stretch and grow through their interactions with the materials and with the class.

It’s true. Research shows that half of all couples will experience infidelity in their relationship. Reasons for affairs are many and complicated and outside the full scope of this article. But there are many common factors that can contribute to affairs, and many ways to recover your relationship after an affair. (For poly or open couples, consider an affair to be the bringing in of a third party without mutual consent.)

What Creates Fertile Grounds for Affairs?

Just like a garden, relationships need to be nurtured and tended. All too often, the garden of our relationship is left unattended; weeds grow and plants die due to lack of water and sun (i.e., care and attention). It is all too easy, especially in child-centered families, for partners to focus on the practicalities of child care to the exclusion of their relationship.

Parents be warned: The seeds for a future affair can all too easily be sown in the early stages of starting a family. Neglecting your partner and your relationship for the sake of the children does not create a happy family. It creates emotional instability, especially if you or your partner start looking to fulfill your emotional needs outside the relationship. Make sure to devote some time to your relationship, too. Your children will be happier and more secure if they see parents who have a strong, loving bond, even if this means the kids don’t always get to come first.

It is also easy, especially in long-term relationships, for couples with or without children to start taking each other for granted or fall into the rut of routine. While there is comfort in structure and predictability, you don’t want to let your relationship become stagnant. Affairs are often a misguided way to seek excitement and aliveness. Unfortunately, having an affair will take you away from your primary relationship rather than toward it. In effect, you are starting a new garden somewhere else and leaving your current garden to wither in the dark. Make the effort occasionally to do something fun and different together. Why? It creates intimacy and brings growth and vitality to your relationship. As with gardening, you want to add fertilizer and occasionally turn the soil so that your plants and flowers will flourish.

Still, you could follow all the above suggestions and tend the garden of your relationship with much care and love, only to encounter the threat of an affair springing up like weeds. As Shirley Glass warns: “A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.”

To really vaccinate your relationship against affairs, Glass recommends the following guidelines. While some might find them too restrictive—and, as one lesbian couple complained, “too hetero” and another poly couple pointed out, “way too monogamous”—it is worth having them as a reference point. In the guidelines below, poly couples may want to replace the word marriage with primary relationship, but be warned: this list is definitely pro-monogamy.

7 Tips for Preventing Infidelity

1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows opened at home. Put up privacy walls with those who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of your marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to a class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch alone with an old flame. (This may be unrealistic in the lesbian community, as exes are so often part of one’s community and even friendship circle.)
6. Don’t go over the line when online with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if he or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in correspondence so your Internet friends won’t get any wrong ideas. Don’t exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don’t believe in fooling around.

Let’s look at the worst-case scenario. You or your partner has an affair. How can you help your relationship recover?

The basis of Red Flags is that some people—more than we typically assume—are sociopaths, and if we are not careful to educate ourselves about their potential dangers, we are all capable of being victims of, as Andersen calls it, love fraud.

Andersen is quick to caution that the word “sociopath” is not meant in a formal sense, as a medical professional might use it. It is instead used “as a generic description for a social predator, someone who lives his or her life by exploiting others.” Although Andersen does provide a solid amount of psychological background on sociopaths, the fact that she uses the word in a way in which it is not supposed to be used is rather curious. By painting overly broad strokes, Andersen runs the risk of oversimplifying and writing in absolute terms when doing so is inappropriate.

As Andersen writes: “Sociopaths are male, female, old, young, well-groomed, disheveled. They come in all shapes and sizes.” In this way, it is frustrating that Andersen chose to cast the term that is the basis of her thesis as something of a catchall.

This is not to devalue the merits of Andersen’s book. While her subject is not widely known, it is indeed interesting and worthy of analysis. That said, when dealing with a subject that is so psychologically complex, it is counterintuitive to make the foundation so simplistic.

There are a lot of good things in Red Flags. Often, though, general themes and ideas are restated in different ways, and the same advice and wisdom is recycled. Again, what is said is certainly interesting and noteworthy, but the constant restating diminishes the impact of the ideas and negates some of their legitimacy. It’s not so much what is said that falters, but how it is said.

Along these lines, another criticism of Red Flags is its implicitly anti-male tone. Admittedly, Andersen does cite a statistic that men are three times more likely to be sociopaths than are women, and, as evidenced by the quotation above, she does concede that women, too, can be sociopaths. But of the numerous examples Andersen includes throughout the book, only a handful portrays a woman as the sociopath instead of a man.

Moreover, of the almost 250 pages, Andersen spends only two discussing female sociopaths. Despite the fact that men are statistically more likely to be sociopaths than are women, it would have been prudent to dedicate more text and examples to women being the predator. To not do so comes off as a something of a covert attack on men.

Despite these criticisms, it must be noted that Red Flags does provide some useful information. Through her website, Andersen has heard from and communicated with thousands of people who were, like she, victims of love fraud. And in the modern age in which we live, many of these relationships were started through online dating websites. Andersen writes:

Because of its global outreach and anonymity, the Internet is custom-tailored for social predators. It offers an endless supply of potential victims, so the hunt is simply a numbers game. Sociopaths register on multiple dating sites simultaneously. They randomly friend people on Facebook. They just keep baiting their hooks until someone bites.

Anonymity is a core characteristic of the Internet. When communicating via the web, you never really know with whom you are talking, and sociopaths use this to their advantage, pretending to be anybody they want.

Approximately one in five relationships is started through online dating. With the medium continuously gaining popularity and appeal, Andersen is right to caution against blind faith in it. While online dating is without question a useful—and for some, necessary—tool, it should be approached with a certain level of caution, especially when someone whom one is talking to fits Andersen’s bill of a sociopath.

Although Red Flags of Love Fraud is perhaps not as academic as it should be, it is nonetheless informative. It is certainly flawed, but it is also prescient: Considering how many people are victims of love fraud, not nearly enough are aware of its realities. Andersen’s book is a good first step.

Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath
By Donna Andersen
Anderly: June 11, 2012
Paperback, 246 pages
$19.95

What a shame.

Children are meant to be running free in open spaces, climbing trees, finding frogs and turtles, biking to the playground, and being hard to find at dinnertime.

Today’s child is most likely to be found sitting in front of a screen — TV, video games, computers. 8-10 year olds reportedly spend an average of 6 hours a day staring at a screen. Given an additional 6 hours spent in school plus eating, sleeping, homework and we have taken our children’s worlds and turned them into tiny, structured spaces with little physical activity and almost no free play time.

Organized sports have become the play of many children but actually only about a quarter of all children are playing an organized sport during any season of the year. So the vast majority are just sitting around, growing obese at an alarming rate and missing out on important socializing.

How did we come to such a place where the lives of our children are so restricted and isolated? Well, we can start with the lives of their parents. American adults, as chronicled in Robert Putnam’s “Bowling Alone,” have become isolated from their community. Participation in all aspects of community life has dropped dramatically over the past 30 years.

One of the interesting points in Putnam’s book is that bowling remains very popular, but bowling leagues have virtually disappeared. Adults no longer feel they have time to make commitments to be with others on a regular basis. A colleague of mine just remarked about how she wanted to start playing bridge again, found some friends with a similar desire, found a teacher, and then discovered her friends were unable to commit to a regular time for lessons.

What has happened to American adults? Changes in family structure are a major factor. With so many divorces, we have a much higher percentage of single heads of households and blended families, resulting in much more complex life schedules for parents and children. Further, dual career parents have become the norm and work has increasingly encroached on the privacy of home life with the advent of cell phones and computers. Americans work longer hours than any other industrialized nation.

In this context of reduced hands on parenting and overwhelming schedules, the current generation of parents has evolved into an anxious group who are overly concerned about the safety and the academic/intellectual development of their children. Too bad – for the parents and the children. We end up with smarter fat children who are more stressed and growing up too fast. Higher rates of anxiety and depression are no accident.

So where have all the bicycles gone? Getting that first 2-wheeler used to be one of childhood’s most exciting moments. It meant an expansion of the child’s world. The opportunity to travel beyond one’s street and meet friends at the playground, ball field, or just go to someone’s house on your own was an exciting new stage of independence. It also meant lots of exercise. But bicycle sales are plummeting — over a 20% decline in just the past 5 years. Now less than half of children ages 7-11 regularly ride a bike. This is a serious change in the culture of our children’s lives.

But it is not just the crazy schedule of parents or the increased temptation of “screens” to play with. A major role in the narrowing world of children is parental fear. Surveys indicate parents have a distorted expectation of the risk that if they allow their children to roam freely about the town, those children may be abducted by child molesters. School playgrounds are no longer deemed safe places to hang out. The woods are no longer a great place to explore. Biking across town has come to mean an increased possibility of being abducted.

Parents couldn’t be more wrong. In fact, there are only 100-130 stranger abductions a year in the U.S. This is a minuscule number. I’m not being insensitive to the pain of those parents who have had a child abducted and molested or killed but please, let’s keep some perspective here. You and your child are 3 times more likely to be hit by lightning at a soccer game than your child is likely to experience a stranger abduction!

Notice I keep emphasizing “stranger abduction.” 75% of all abductions are carried out by people the child knows, most of which are done by divorced parents who are upset about custody arrangements. Children running free – meeting at the playground or in someone’s yard – are very safe. Not only safe, but these children are learning to make creative use of their time, being physically active, and improving their social skills. And it’s free!! Now what more could you ask for.

So please, restrict access to screens, send your children out of the house, encourage them to go places on their own, and don’t just smile when your child opts to use instant messaging to talk to her friend next door. Turn off the computer and send her next door! Consider it a pleasure to yell down the street or call a friend to find your child at dinnertime instead of simply having to pry him away from his Xbox. Let’s make bicycles something special for children once again.

“When my year-old son was finally diagnosed with a developmental disability last year, lots of our friends just seemed to disappear. We’ve been caught up in his care so I guess we don’t reach out much. But it would be real nice if they reached in.” Tom, knowing I was working on this article, spoke to me after playgroup.

Katie’s words during another conversation echo the pain of many parents. “Our 15-year-old daughter started stealing from our friends. At first it was little stuff like a lipstick or a pad of sticky notes. Then it moved into jewelry and money. It turns out she was selling the stuff to support a drug habit. Our friends stopped inviting our family over. That’s understandable. But then they stopped even calling. I don’t get it.”

Josh is equally bewildered. “When our son was first diagnosed with cancer, his friends came around often and our friends were really there for us. The treatments have been going on for three years now. His friends don’t call very much anymore. We’re down to two really close friends who are hanging in there with us.”

Amanda was trembling as she talked to me. Her 19-year-old daughter was diagnosed with schizophrenia last year. “During her breakdown she lied about many things to many people and caused quite a bit of drama among her friends. Now my friends seem to have forgotten us. Where did they go?”

Families like these feel abandoned but are generally too stressed with the demands of taking care of the child and managing the complexity of the medical, legal or educational systems to give it much attention. All they can do is cope. What goes on that friends, even people they thought were good friends, stop coming around?

The reasons are as varied as the people.

Some friends (and even members of the extended family) take it personally when parents of challenging kids withdraw into the world of the kid’s intensive care. They feel rejected when they don’t get included in the conversations and decisions about care and go away hurt or mad. Others have an irrational fear of the diagnosis or problem and worry that it’s “catching.”

Still others feel helpless to deal with their friend’s stress. Not knowing what to say or do, they wait for someone else to give them a clue, or, fearing they may say or do the wrong thing, they do nothing at all. Others worry about being a bother and decide to just stay out of the way.

Those who have moral judgments about the child’s illness or behavior or who are uncomfortable being in a hospital or sick room or courtroom are even more challenged. They can’t handle being in an environment that makes them anxious and their relationship with their friends suffers.

Some people are so distracted by their own problems, they can’t find the energy to support their friends. If they are to stay in touch, they may need to be reassured that they aren’t expected to solve the problem or to become a major player in a child’s care.

Whatever their good (or not so good) intentions, it’s no wonder these folks gradually fade out of sight when a friend’s family is faced with an ongoing, seemingly endless stressful situation. It’s important for the affected family not to take it personally – even though it feels terribly personal.

It’s an important part of self-care to at least try to invite such seemingly “fair-weather friends” back into their lives. Research has shown that one of the most important variables in managing crisis and stress is having others to turn to, whether for a simple chat about the weather, advice, or a hug. Affirmation of connection recharges the emotional batteries and lets people carry on even when the demands of life feel relentless and overwhelming. Yes, it can feel unfair to have to take the initiative and take care of our friendships when we feel the support of friends slipping away. But getting stuck on some idea of “fairness” will only make the situation worse. If the friends knew how to stay in contact and how to help, they would have done it already. It’s important to give them the benefit of the doubt and to give them a way back in.

We really can be our own worst enemy. If we let the idea of making a quick phone call feel so overwhelming we let weeks go by without doing it, we can end up feeling alone and lonely. Often it only takes a text message, an entry on Facebook or a five-minute phone call to keep the connection alive.

Reaching out does encourage others to reach in. Spending some time with friends doesn’t cheat the children of attention. It ensures that their parents get the renewal and strength that comes from the empathy and support of good friends.

Fortunately, there is usually a friend or two who doesn’t need to be told and reminded. They can be a family’s best allies in keeping in touch with everyone else. Those good friends can also help other friends know what is needed and how to be supportive instead of intrusive. Most people are better responders than initiators. If given an explanation for their friend’s absence, and especially if given a specific way to help, most will respond generously and sympathetically.

In addition, there are support groups consisting of other families for just about every illness and problem life can dish out. There’s nothing quite so affirming as talking with people who are dealing with the same sorts of things. The structure of weekly meetings ensures that the group gets together regularly. The location at the local hospital, church or library means that no one has to stress about cleaning up the living room or serving refreshments, so parents are more likely to keep coming. These new friends can fill a need for understanding that old friends maybe can’t.

People do need people. Parents especially need other people when a child’s situation diverts so much of their time and energy that they are in danger of dropping out of their supportive relationships. Taking some time out from the daily demands of the children to stay in contact isn’t selfish. It’s essential.

These are the central issues in Rosen’s new book, iDisorder: Understanding Our Obsession with Technology and Overcoming Its Hold on Us. Coauthored by fellow psychologists Nancy A. Cheever and L. Mark Carrier, iDisorder is a perceptive, thoughtful look into the world of modern technology, focusing on those that are primarily communicative.

Rosen makes it very clear at the outset that he is not by any account anti-technology: “Far from it. I have always been an early adopter, starting back in the 1970s… I have owned at least a dozen computers… I carry a smartphone and an iPad and spend hours texting my kids and friends.” This personal qualification is important, as it alleviates any fears that Rosen is on a crusade to extirpate technology from the lives of all people, young and old. Rather, Rosen understands the powers these technologies can hold over us, and, more important, he understands the possible ramifications that can result.

iDisorder certainly is a book of its time. Now more than ever, people—regardless of whether they consciously realize it—are spending far too much time using their devices. As Rosen writes: “The evidence is all around us that people are attached to their devices and oftentimes driven to use them obsessively by fear and worry. Missing out on social information, work information, and our personal pursuits can put us in a state of anxiety and even cause panic attacks, sometimes with serious consequences.”

Rosen clearly understands his field, and it is safe to say he is at its forefront. Rosen’s prose never has the slightest tinge of condescension or arrogance; the book is instead properly written from a position of authority and confidence that gives the words contained therein inherent credence and deserved attention.

iDisorder is split into twelve chapters, with each essentially focusing on one psychological disorder and then discussing how technology is contributing to or exacerbating our development of the disorder—what Rosen terms an iDisorder.

While it is simple to offer a blanket solution to the book’s central thesis—“just stop using your devices so frequently”—it is by no means appropriate. Rosen takes the stance that, for many of us, our obsession with technology is firmly psychological; telling someone to stop using his iPhone as frequently as he does is akin to telling a confirmed drug addict to limit his habit to just once a day. It’s not workable. Thus, throughout the process of discussing and dissecting iDisorders, Rosen offers suggestions.

At the end of each chapter, Rosen, in one form or another, gives some sort of game plan for tackling each specific iDisorder. In Chapter 5, “The Ups (and Downs) of Leading a Cyberlife,” Rosen closes with a lengthy section titled “Combatting a Depression or Mania Disorder.” Contained therein is a questionnaire with a scoring system to determine the severity of one’s iDisorder.

In this way, the book is part story of interest, part self-help. Rosen’s final chapter, “It’s All in Your Mind,” offers an even more detailed method of tackling our iDisorders. And with that comes a message of hope:

…many of us are on the verge of an iDisorder as our daily interactions with media technologies may be imbuing us with signs and symptoms of one of many psychological disorders, including narcissism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, addiction, attention-deficit disorder, social phobia, antisocial personality disorder, hypochondriasis, body dysmorphic disorder, schizo-disorders, and voyeurism… Luckily for us, our brains are constantly changing. Neuroscientists call this ‘neuroplasticity,’ which is basically a constant process of strengthening and weakening neural (nerve cell) connections in the brain as a function of our experiences…. Given that our brains are inundated with stimuli all day long and that the digital content currently available in our world is the equivalent to everyone in the world tweeting or blogging constantly for a century, neuroplasticity is a brain-saver.

Yes, our brains can change, and with that we can learn not to overuse our technology. Rosen boils it down well: “It’s all about being aware of and monitoring your behavior around all of these marvelous technological inventions.” Like anything pertaining to obsession, moderation is key.

iDisorder is written from a position of such eminent authority that it is difficult for a layman to critique the actual content. As well, the book is written in a way that both informs and aids. Rosen’s goal is to alert us to our possible conditions before it is too late. If it is in fact too late, though, Rosen believes that, like with any disorder, there is room for improvement, if not absolute correction.

As might be assumed, there is little in iDisorder over which to argue. The content is solid, the studies referenced are germane and compelling, and the tone in which Rosen writes is well-suited to the task at hand. Rarely does Rosen overstate his argument, as all conclusions are backed up with empirical data. With little conjecture and an abundance of wisdom, iDisorder is a book worth reading for both its prescience and its timeliness. Rosen has dedicated his career to understanding how we use technology, and for that, as well as this book, he should be praised.

iDisorder: Understanding Our Obsession with Technology and Overcoming its Hold on Us
By Larry D. Rosen, PhD
Palgrave MacMillan: March 27, 2012
Hardcover, 256 pages
$25

We got off easy. The teens in question only got scared, not hurt. Bumpers can be fixed. A little hair dye will cover my gray. But we and the teens may not all be so lucky next time. Sadly, there probably will be a next time unless texting and driving is made illegal and the law is rigidly enforced.

Lest you think it’s no big deal, consider this: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reported in 2008 that driver distraction was the cause of 16 percent of all fatal crashes — 5,800 people killed — and 21 percent of crashes resulting in an injury — 515,000 people wounded. That was now four years ago! More teens than ever have cell phones. Chances are more teens than ever are finding it impossible to resist the urge to read or respond to texts while behind the wheel. According to the American Automobile Association, nearly 50 percent of teens admit to texting while driving. Not good. Scary.

So why, oh why, do teens persist in testing while barreling down the road at 50 miles an hour (or more), despite warnings, admonitions, and threats by parents and other concerned adults? Why don’t those “X the Text” public service announcements make an impression? What’s so compelling about the latest tidbit of teen connection that it is worth risking a wreck?

Our teens are generally good kids. But even good kids can behave thoughtlessly and badly when it comes to texting while driving. Reasons are usually some combination of these:

• Denial. Teens are great at denial. They think they are invincible. They have a puffed-up sense of their own importance, competence, and invincibility. Adolescence is a time of increasing independence and an increasing belief that grownups and their opinions – even their opinions about safety – aren’t relevant.
• Underdeveloped impulse control. You’ve probably heard about it. The frontal lobe, the part of the brain that governs judgment and decision-making, doesn’t fully develop until the late teens and early 20s. That’s why teens are particularly likely to do crazy, risky things. They don’t stop to think because the part of their brain that puts on the brakes isn’t reliable. Our teens don’t like it but they need us to provide the brakes until theirs are fully operational.
• Myth of being a multi-tasking master.Our kids are growing up in a multi-tracked, multi-tasking world. They are often listening to music, texting their friends, and doing their homework while watching TV – all at the same time. They have an inflated idea of their competence at keeping track of everything at once. The trouble is that every task takes on equal importance.This is fine when they’re watching a rerun of “South Park” while texting friends. It’s not at all fine when texts are as important, or even more important, than what’s going on with the traffic. In the moment a text comes in, the urge to read it is as strong as the need to keep their eyes on the road. This is an accident waiting to happen.
• Overconfidence as a driver. When my kids were new drivers, I actually wished they would get into an accident serious enough to scare them but not so serious that they’d get seriously hurt. I knew parental lectures weren’t getting through.Be careful what you wish for. Three of my four kids totaled cars. Fortunately they, and the people in the other cars, walked away from those crashes unhurt. In two of the three cases, the kids were not at fault. That didn’t matter. They got the message and sobered up about the reality that accidents happen even to people who are doing what they should.

  I dearly wish there had been another way to get their attention. But like most teens, they were sure they would never get into an accident; that they were so good at driving that a fender-bender was the most they’d ever have to deal with.

• Risk-taking high.Taking risks is an adrenalin rush. Taking risks and escaping by a hair’s breadth makes the blood run and impresses friends. Teens can get enamored of risky business because squeaking by feels great! (It’s the same reason people ride roller coasters even when they’re scared to death.)Teens go skiing down trails that are beyond their skill level. They ride bikes pell-mell down rocky hills with no bike helmet. They are suckers for a dare. Unfortunately, they also sometimes like the high of speeding down the highway at 80 or playing chicken. Remember that impulse control issue? That plus the surge of adrenalin that comes from being scared is a recipe for stupid behavior.

What’s a Parent to Do?

First and most important, we need to model good driving behavior. If your cell phone rings, ignore it or pull over. There are few calls that are so important that they can’t be responded to a few minutes later.

If you need to make a call, pull over or ask that teen who is sitting next to you to make the call for you. A picture really is worth millions of words. Show your kids that your mind, eyes, and hands need to be on the wheel, not on the phone. You’ll have no credibility at all with the kids if you demand they treat their phones differently than you do.

We need to talk to our kids. We need to talk to them often. We need to be willing to risk teen anger and take away their phones if they can’t just get it that texting while driving is driving blind. They’ll have lots of reasons why it’s okay: “It only takes a second.” “It’s no different than talking to someone else in the car.” “Hey. I’m great at multi-tasking.” “It’s the other guy who’s going to cause an accident, not me.” And then there’s the age-old, “Everyone else is doing it.”

The answers to that list are: “A second is all it takes to get in a wreck.” “Talking doesn’t take your eyes off the road, texting does.” “Multi-tasking skills are irrelevant when you’re driving a two-ton automobile at 60 miles an hour.” “It’s especially important to be alert when there are ‘other guys’ who aren’t paying attention.” “Everyone else doesn’t concern me. You do.”

Teens may not have good judgment or impulse control, but we do. If they can’t show they are able to exercise self-control, they need parents to be clear that they’ll provide it. There is no rule that our kids are entitled to drive our cars. If they need the car to get to a job or to school or to a game, it will be even more impressive if they have to do without it for a week or so if they break the rules. Make it clear that one infraction, just one piece of evidence that they couldn’t resist the call of the cell phone, will mean the loss of both for a good long time. Then stick to it. Your teen’s life may depend on it.

The mom and I started to chat about the symptoms the sick girls were exhibiting. But the mother was either distracted by the clicking or felt the girls were being rude, and she soon made the two sick teens turn their phones off.

The pair grudgingly obeyed, sticking the devices in their purses, but not before whining, “Why doesn’t she have to stop?” “Because she’s not the one with the doctor’s visit,” Mom replied. “But she’s the one who’s texting us!” the girls protested in unison.

I was speechless. Here were three sisters in a room together communicating with their thumbs. That encounter really hammered home to me just how plugged in we have all become. We are suffused daily in a multitude of digital communication options.

According to a recent Pew research study, one in three teens sends or receives over 100 text messages a day. It’s not that texting is inherently bad. Like many other forms of communication, it has the potential to keep us connected. But Sherry Turkle, MIT professor and author of Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other suggests that while constant texting may give the appearance of increased connectedness, these technologies may actually be keeping us isolated from each other. She argues that “Facebooking” is not socializing. “Thumbs up or thumbs down on a web site is not a conversation.”

Texting can also be dangerous. Texting while driving can be so deadly that it is banned in many states. When I’m at the gym, I cringe watching folks text while walking down stairs or running on treadmills. They look like accidents waiting to happen, like that poor woman whose YouTube video went viral when she fell into a fountain texting while she walked at a mall.

Children should be taught to turn off their cell phone when engaged in any activity that requires their full attention: school, homework, babysitting. Children also need to understand that some forms of texting—like sexting (sending nude or inappropriate photos in a text message) or cyber-bullying (sending mean, taunting or embarrassing text messages)—can have disciplinary consequences at school and even legal ramifications.

Another new issue being raised about texting is its effect on teens’ sleep. We are learning more and more about teens who bring their cell phones into their bedrooms and text long into the night.

Technology is developing at a rate that may be faster than our ability to monitor it and ensure its safe use. Parents should have frank conversations with their children about the dangers of texting and driving and the negative emotional and sometimes legal consequences of sexting and cyberbullying. Parents should review their children’s text logs to see who is texting them, when and how often. Limits can be placed on the number of texts sent and received as well as the hours texting is allowed. And parents can certainly confiscate phones after a reasonable hour, if necessary.

We need to be good role models for our children as well. While many parents take their kids’ cell phones away from them during our office visits so we can have face-to-face conversations, I have just as many parents who themselves text during our visits. We have to be careful what kind of example we set. My heart breaks whenever I see a mom or dad texting in the bleachers of their kid’s big game instead of watching their child play. If we are disengaged from our children, can it be long before they’ll disengage from us?

Kids texting photo available from Shutterstock

A total of 141 students completed anonymous questionnaires on their self-esteem, well-being and stress levels, and their Facebook use. This showed that students who interacted more on Facebook in their first semester reported being happier and less stressed and had higher self-esteem. However, a greater number of Facebook friends did not appear to be beneficial.

The second part of the study involved 169 students completing the same questionnaire halfway through their first year. At this point, the frequency of their Facebook use was not linked to stress, self-esteem or well-being, but having more Facebook friends was linked to higher self-esteem and well-being.

In the first semester, students who have a tight support network surrounding them are likely to feel more confident and appreciated, say the researchers. By the second half of the year, those with more friends on Facebook are likely to be the ones who have been happier, interacted more, and have therefore made more new friends.

Dr. Stiff presented his findings last September at the British Psychological Society annual conference in Cambridge, UK. He believes that receiving frequent messages on Facebook could help students who are about to begin college and are feeling in need of support.

“When teenagers come to university for the first time, they may find this significant life transition extremely stressful. Moreover, as the new student’s local support network is no longer available due to their geographical displacement, stress and associated maladies may be exacerbated.

“Facebook is not just a tool for superficial social networking,” he said, “it is also a highly effective conduit for social support during students’ first few dizzying months at university.”

However, more recent research suggests that people who spend more time on Facebook have a relatively worse self-image. Dr. Hui-Tzu Chou of Utah Valley University and colleagues explain that Facebook “provides a platform for people to manage others’ impressions of them.” Because people tend to present themselves in a favorable way on their Facebook profile, reading these profiles may have an impact on others’ perceptions of their own lives.

In the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, the team reports on their study of 425 undergraduates at a state university in Utah. The students were given questionnaires on the duration of their Facebook use, time spent on Facebook each week, number of Facebook friends, and perceptions about others’ lives.

Those who had used Facebook longer and who spent more time on Facebook believed that others were happier, and were less likely to believe that life is fair. Having more people who they did not personally know as Facebook “friends” was also linked to believing that others had better lives.

Dr. Chou states that Facebook users “tend to attribute the positive content presented on Facebook to others’ personality, rather than situational factors, especially for those they do not know personally.”

It seems that the impact of Facebook on self-esteem is a mixed bag. A 2011 Kent State University study concluded that having a greater number of Facebook friends is positively linked to well-being.

The 391 college students in the survey described their “self-presentation strategies” as either positive or honest. Analysis showed that positive self-presentation had a direct effect on well-being. But honest self-presentation had an indirect effect on well-being via perceived social support from Facebook friends. The researchers say that self-disclosure plays an important role in signaling one’s need for social support.

Finally, a team from Assumption College, Worcester, Massachusetts looked at how Facebook relates to self-esteem and adjustment to college among 70 students. Their survey implied that the number of Facebook friends “potentially hinders academic adjustment, and spending a lot of time on Facebook is related to low self-esteem.”

Number of Facebook friends was negatively linked to emotional and academic adjustment among first-year students. However, the relationship became positive later in college life, “when students use Facebook effectively to connect socially with their peers.”

These researchers, led by Dr. Maria Kalpidou, write that their findings point to “the value of studying further the notion of Facebook friends.”

References

Facebook as a Means of Managing Stress Associated with Life Transitions. Can Social Networking Help New University Students? Presented by Dr Chris Stiff of Keele University at the British Psychological Society Social Psychology Section annual conference in Cambridge, UK, from September 6-8, 2011.

http://www.bps.org.uk/events/social-psychology-section-annual-conference-2011

“They Are Happier and Having Better Lives than I Am:” The Impact of Using Facebook on Perceptions of Others’ Lives. Chou, H. T. and Edge, N. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, published online December 14, 2011.

The Facebook Paths to Happiness: Effects of the Number of Facebook Friends and Self-Presentation on Subjective Well-Being. Kim, J. and Lee, J. E. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, published online November 30, 2011.

The Relationship between Facebook and the Well-Being of Undergraduate College Students. Kalpidou, M., Costin, D. and Morris, J. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, published online December 30, 2010.

We all know many people — and you very well might be one of them — who are married to their gadgets, whether it’s their smart phone, iPad, laptop or some other tech toy.

All this accessibility and portability, while convenient and entertaining, has its downsides. It’s created unrealistic expectations on the job (respond to email at 9 p.m.? OK, boss!), and can hurt relationships, according to psychologist and coach Dana Gionta, Ph.D.

At her practice, she’s seen how technology can compromise one’s connection with loved ones. For instance, after work, some of her clients head straight to their computers. Instead of spending that time with loved ones, they inadvertently isolate and separate themselves, she said. Similarly, they may be physically present but not mentally or emotionally engaged. While they’re sitting at the dinner table, they still might be glued to their gadgets, everyone’s voices a mere hum in their head while they’re dialed in.

As Gionta said, “one of the greatest gifts you can give to a loved one is your time and presence.” But when we’re attached to technology, we convey the message that our loved ones aren’t important to us, she said.

Gionta offered several suggestions for reeling in your gadget use and making sure that technology doesn’t railroad your relationships or your life. At the core, it’s about creating boundaries and sticking to them.

1. Talk to your family.

If you have a spouse and kids, have an open conversation with them about when it’s appropriate to turn to technology and when it isn’t. Think about your most important rituals and times of the day that you’d like to protect (like dinnertime or breakfast on the weekends) and those that are less important. During these less important lulls, everyone can take 30 minutes for tech time.

However, Gionta underscored that every couple and family is different in what works for them. For instance, some couples prefer more alone time than others, so an hour of work or play at night on their laptops isn’t a big deal. Other couples, however, use the evening as their sacred time. The important thing is to be on the same page and for everyone to feel respected and cared for.

2. Establish structure.

If you have a demanding job or a hobby that requires being plugged in, establish a time every evening that you’ll check your email and do your work. If you have kids, that time might be their bedtime.

Allotting the same time every night lets you accomplish your tasks without distraction, reduces your anxiety and won’t interfere with special moments, Gionta said. This way, you’re fitting in technology when it works best for you — instead of doing everything around technology.

3. Maintain “checks and balances.”

Life is filled with exceptions, Gionta said. So there will be times when you’ll have to take phone calls during dinner or work through the evening. The key, she said, is to check in with your loved ones to see if they feel like you’re present and available.

Also, if you have a busy week or weeks coming up, communicate that to your family, so everyone knows what to expect.

4. Keep gadgets in a designated spot.

Let’s be honest: When your smart phone or iPad is close by, it’s temping to grab it and start surfing. Sometimes out of sight really is out of mind. By setting a specific place for using technology (like an office or den), you’re creating a clear-cut physical boundary, she said.

5. Become more self-aware.

If you’re constantly feeling the need to be productive, Gionta said to ask yourself, “Where is the pressure coming from?” Identify whether the driving force is external, like work, or internal, like your own need to be efficient. Once you’re able to spot the source, you can take action to overcome it.

6. Get to the root of the problem.

Setting boundaries at home around tech use is valuable, but if the source of your stress is your job, you’re just creating a Band-Aid. For instance, depending on your job, your boss may expect you to check email at 10 p.m. and respond immediately. Or there may be an implicit expectation at your office to work 24/7. If that’s a problem for you, consider talking to your employer and setting realistic expectations.

If you’re a small business owner, some of your clients may expect you to be at their beck and call early in the morning or late into the evening, especially if you’re just starting out. Consider the pros and cons of being so accessible and speak up if that doesn’t work for you.

7. Notice when you’re slipping.

How do you know when you’re reverting to old habits? Think of your tech use like self-care, Gionta said. If you’re spending less and less time each week being active or socializing with friends, you know your self-care is slipping. It might be subtle such as skipping your evening walk or talking to a close friend once a week instead of your usual two times.

In other words, watch for sly signs that your tech use is increasing. Maybe you’re bringing your phone to the dinner table, using your laptop longer or your iPad before bed or spending more time socializing on Facebook than with your family.

Remember that how often you use technology and let it blur the lines between work and life is up to you and your family. What matters is that you’re running your gadgets — instead of them running you.

So whether you’re using Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or any other social media website — or just writing email — it’s important to proceed thoughtfully with your time online. Here, Gionta doles out key advice on devising and defending your boundaries.

1. Give yourself permission.

Many people think that they don’t deserve to set boundaries in the first place. We think we should automatically accept anyone who wants to befriend us on Facebook or go out of our way to help a colleague of a colleague with a recommendation on LinkedIn. Give yourself the permission to set boundaries and say no, Gionta said.

2. Consider your purpose.

According to Gionta, what helps when setting boundaries is thinking ahead about how you’d like to use social media. Ask yourself: What purpose does social media serve for me?

Are you using Facebook to keep in touch with friends, to network professionally or both? “What would make you feel safe in terms of how many people you allow [as your friends]? Do you want an open or closed profile? [Are you going to] not put up much personal information and limit access?”

Remember that if you’ve got 800 friends on Facebook — many of whom, it’s safe to say, are acquaintances, at best — all 800 are privy to your personal facts. And that can be risky, Gionta said. So consider what kinds of information you want out there.

3. Set boundaries surrounding time.

Let’s face it: Sites like Facebook can become a black hole, sucking your time into its abyss — if you let them. It’s easy to feel powerless, especially if you’re using social media sites professionally and want to build a supportive circle. The Internet is like a moving target, and with that comes the expectation that we need to respond to people’s comments right away, return email within a day or even hours and stay plugged in so we’re continuously in the know.

But remember that you do have a choice, and “there is no requirement,” Gionta said. Rather, figure out what works best for you. Blocking out 15 minutes a day for catching up on comments and your community can still help you make and maintain connections — without feeling stressed and overwhelmed, she said.

Interacting with others

Interacting online can get tricky. Below, Gionta offers additional tips specifically for interpersonal communication.

4. Take things slow.

Relationships on the Internet move fast. And we’re not just talking romantic relationships, but interactions of all kinds. When you’re chatting away on your computer in the comfort of home (or the nearest Starbucks), particularly with like-minded people, it feels like you know them intimately. But take your time.

It takes about six to nine months to get to know someone’s character, Gionta said. Since people usually want to present themselves in a positive light — as Chris Rock famously joked, “When you meet someone for the first time, you don’t meet them, you meet their representative” — it takes time to see their true personality. That’s when you see red flags or inconsistencies in their character.

In online interactions, you might get to know the person faster, but either way, “it’s generally better to take it more slowly and approach [your relationships] in a thoughtful and careful way.” Give yourself time to get to know the person before revealing too much about yourself, she added.

Marketing execs are paid big bucks to figure out how to tap into shared human experience that resonates. The ad is a testament to an increasing sense of general longing for connection in the middle of electronic connectivity. Hotdogs with family around a picnic table, talking and laughing together, speaks to the basic human need to gather those we love around us, to share our stories, to be “us” for awhile. “Yeah,” we think to ourselves. “That’s what’s missing. I think I’ll have another hotdog.”

Those of us who are of grandparenting age remember a time when there was one phone in the house that may even have been on a party line. We had to wait in line, not only behind our siblings and parents but also behind the chatty neighbor who was constantly on the phone. Fast-forward only 50 years and every family member has his or her own phone. Parents remember when TV shows happened at a particular time on a particular day. If you wanted to see the current episode of your favorite sitcom, you had to hope that the rest of the family agreed. Fast-forward only 25 years and each member of the family can access any show at any time on their individual computer.

Grandparents and parents developed skills in negotiation and compromise because they had to share. They have memories of the feelings of warmth and togetherness that come with shared experience because it was a natural part of daily life. Those memories are a touchstone for what “family” means. Will this next generation even get it?

Not if we don’t start cutting off the power.

This is not to malign the use of electronics. Indeed, I’m using a computer now to write this story. It’s to affirm that “everything,” in the words of my wise grandmother, “has its place.” One of the great challenges faced by parents today is figuring out how to balance what the newest and latest technology can do for us as individuals with what is needed by the family. Parents who still have memories of the family intimacy that came naturally with having to manage daily life are now charged with creating opportunities for that same shared experience. It’s not a small thing.

Let’s face it. We’re all too busy. Many of us are tired and stressed. It’s just plain easier to let everyone go off into their own corners after supper. Everyone seems happy enough to be texting, Facebooking, playing video games, or watching on-demand TV. We like to get lost in our email and social media as much as the next guy. Oops! It’s suddenly 8:00 or 9:00 and time to get everyone off to bed. Where did the evening go? The result of this slide into the media zone is that the average American child spends only three to five minutes per day in meaningful conversation with a parent! Surely we can do better than that.

How to reconnect (with or without hotdogs):

• Have dinner together as many nights a week as you can – with no devices allowed during dinner time for kids or for adults. That means no TV, no cell phone calls, no texting. Study after study affirms that kids who share mealtimes with their parents feel more connected with family members, have stronger self-esteem, do better in school, have fewer behavior problems and generally do better in life. Parents benefit too. Conversation, jokes, and sharing is what having a family is all about. Without it, family life can just feel like work.

• Limit the use of electronics during certain times of the day or week. One family I know declares Friday night as an electronics Sabbath. Instead of using devices, they get out the board games, go for a hike, throw a Frisbee around or bake cookies. It’s not about religion, they say. It’s a word that connotes the sacredness of family time.
• Use media together. Playing video games with the kids, researching information together, and or making a family call to relatives on Skype are only a few ways that parents can share experiences using electronics and model appropriate use of technology.
• Limit your own time on devices when kids are awake and around. Engage with the children, not the Web. We parents can have the illusion of being home and available when we’re really not – either really home or really available – if we’re caught up in social media or paying the bills online. Our kids need both our physical and our emotional presence. They need play times, story times, homework supervision time, and just plain hanging out with the folks time.
• Get off the couch. Texting and emailing are making couch potatoes out of parents as well as the kids. Yes, we’re tired at the end of the day. But the fact is that if we just make ourselves get up and get going after dinner, usually a second wind kicks in. Get off the couch and get the kids moving too. Fight childhood obesity with a dose of fun. Keep yourself from becoming a candidate for The Biggest Loser while you’re at it.

Family intimacy and warmth comes from really knowing and understanding each other. We need it. Our kids need it. But it can only happen when family members have regular time interacting with each other. Making sure that it happens is a new responsibility for parents and one that we have to take very seriously.

Dr. Marie’s book, Tending the Family Heart, is a lighthearted and practical manual for parents that offers lots of practical ways to connect family members with each other. Hotdogs are optional.

In this age of information saturation, there is no shortage of news reports, magazine articles, books, and websites dedicated to explaining how the future is going to play out. But how many of these predictions actually come to pass? How do we decide which talking heads get the spotlight? And why do people seemingly have an innate desire to find out what’s next?

These are the questions explored by Dan Gardner in the enlightening book, Future Babble. Using research from the fields of psychology, economics, and history, Gardner provides the reader with a clear perspective on why so many experts fail when it comes to making predictions and why people keep listening to them anyway.

Much of this book is based on the research of psychologist Philip Tetlock, who examined thousands of predictions from hundreds of experts (political scientists, economists, journalists) in order to determine their accuracy. Through his study, Gardner tells us, Tetlock discovered “the simple and disturbing truth is that the experts’ predictions were no more accurate than random guesses.”  However, he did find what he believes to be a factor determining which experts were able to make more accurate predictions than others.  Those experts that he termed “hedgehogs,” people who seem solely concerned with looking at things in terms of one big idea, were far more likely to make inaccurate predictions. On the other hand, “foxes” are more analytical and not as confident as hedgehogs, yet are more often able to make accurate predictions.

The author uses this framework of hedgehogs vs. foxes as he examines a myriad of examples of predictions from the recent past. As Gardner states, it is the hedgehogs that tend to dominate the media when it comes to discussing the future. Tune into any political talk show and you will very likely find some expert or another brashly predicting some cataclysmic change on the horizon based on a theory about one big idea (i.e. climate change, terrorism, overpopulation, peak oil, the list goes on and on). This is not necessarily a new phenomenon. Since the dawn of modern science, people have tried to use scientific methods to ascertain what the future holds. Yet history has proved time and again that people, not to mention the environments surrounding us, are full of surprises.

Anyone with even a slight knowledge of history is aware that the only inevitability is that the unexpected will happen. How many great empires have fallen as a result of a problem their leaders never saw coming? What Dan Gardner seeks to explain in Future Babble is why, despite our awareness of history’s never ending barrage of surprises, we still think we can make accurate predictions about the future. This book provides a variety of studies in psychology, behavioral economics, and other related fields which show that our brains are programmed with a particular set of biases that can create the illusion that our predictions are correct more often than they truly are.

The author also delves into the world of media punditry in an attempt to figure out why “hedgehogs,” despite their terrible track record at predictions, seem to dominate our television sets, newsstands, web searches, and bookshelves. Again using a number of scientific studies, Gardner shows us that even the brightest of us seem to prefer style to substance when it comes to choosing which prognosticator to believe. A slick presentation and a confident, engaging personality will likely sell more books and get better ratings, even when the presenter has been wrong multiple times.

Future Babble is a worthwhile read for anybody interested in the psychology behind people’s fascination with “expert” predictions. If you have ever tuned into the nightly news, seen a man in a suit rambling about some type imminent doom, and wondered, “Why should I listen to this guy?” then this is definitely a book you should invest time in. If you are a “hedgehog” yourself, telling anybody who will listen that the sky is about to fall any minute now, perhaps this book will help you gain a little bit of perspective. And if you have even the slightest interest in human psychology, you are sure to find some interesting food for thought in this absolutely engaging work. Go ahead and read Future Babble, and you might just help make your future a good one.

Future Babble
By Dan Gardner
Dutton
320 pages
Hardcover (also available in E-book)