Written by Alain de Botton, this, however, is intended to be a serious book about a very serious subject. The emphasis is on how strange and troublesome many of us find this intensely pleasurable experience. All of us secretly fear that we deviate from some healthy sexual norm — one that doesn’t really exist.

I hadn’t heard of de Botton before. Looking him up, I found that he is a Swiss-born British writer and television personality who is very popular in the U.K. He could be described as a popularizer of philosophy, and his previous titles — including How Proust Can Change Your Life, Status Anxiety, The Architecture of Happiness, and Religion for Atheists — give some idea of what he is about.

He is the founder of the rather grandiloquently named organization called “The School of Life,” which is described as “…exploring good ideas for everyday life.” How to Think More About Sex, though at times thought provoking, fails to provide much new information and often falls flat in its declarations about what should be an interesting subject.

A chapter called “Can ‘Sexiness’ Be Profound?” raises a very vague question and doesn’t answer it in any clear fashion. The author simply provides some old findings from evolutionary biology that healthy appearace is valued as a plus for a potential sex partner, and that beauty is “in essence someone whose face is symmetrical (that is, the right and left sides match precisely) and whose features are balanced, proportionate and undistorted.” Nothing earth-shattering here.

One chapter on beauty, titled “Natalie and Scarlett,” poses the actresses Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johannson as two equally attractive examples of evolutionary beauty in their symmetry of face and balance of feature and wonders how we would choose one over the other. The author’s answer, taken from the work of German art historian Wilhelm Worringer, is that we favor what we feel is missing in ourselves. “The specifics of what we find ‘beautiful’ and what we find ‘sexy,’” he writes, “are indicative of what we most deeply crave in order to rebalance ourselves.”

Perhaps the most provocative part of the book is a section titled “The Problems of Sex.” The section’s initial chapter, “Love and Sex,” deals with the sometimes antipodal goals of love and lust through a fictional encounter between two strangers, whom the author calls Tomas and Jen. The two characters meet and harbor conflicting desires: Tomas sees Jen as a love object, somebody he can marry and with whom he can have children, while Jen, defying gender stereotypes, has no interest in Tomas as a longterm partner, but just wants to ravish him. For the couple to get together, both have to hide their real interest in the other through dissimulation. De Botton feels that neither need is more moral than the other.

The following chapter makes the rather unoriginal point that sexual rejection attacks the core of the rejected party’s being and is frequently seen as a moral judgment rather than a mere accident. This, we know.

“Lack of Desire” is in many ways the most original and perceptive chapter in the book as well as the most successfully analytical. Regarding the falling off of sex during marriage, de Botton posits that the work of William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson—a well-known pair of sexuality researchers—has skewed our thinking about the subject. Masters and Johnson promoted the understanding that people have the right to sexual fulfillment in longterm relationships and that failure in this area is pathology. Rather than pathological, de Botton believes that diminishing frequency of sex over the years may be simply a normal part of aging.

This chapter also deals with impotence, and here de Botton’s perspective is unique in the extreme. The author feels that impotence is, “at base, then, a symptom of respect, a fear of causing displeasure through imposition of our own desires or the inability to satisfy our partner’s needs.” He sees it as “enduring kindness.” What he concludes, however, is even more unusual.

“The fear of being disgusting, absurd or a disappointment to someone else is a first sign of morality,” he writes. “Impotence is an achievement of the ethical imagination—so much so that in the future, we men might learn to act out episodes of the condition as a way of signalling our depth of spirit, just as today we furtively swallow Viagra tablets in the bathroom to prove the extent of our manliness.”

Reading this last bit, all I could think was wow.

As for pornography, there is not much equivocation here. The author clearly loathes it, calls it “poison,” and condemns it as a prodigious waste of time and money. He cautiously advocates censorship, and a couple of his reasons for condemning it approach the bizarre. For example, he feels that suffering is not a bad thing and that porn is harmful because it reduces suffering. In his own words, “Pornography, like alcohol and drugs, undermines our ability to endure certain kinds of suffering which we have to experience if we are to direct our lives properly. More specifically, it reduces our capacity to tolerate our ambiguous moods of free floating worry and boredom.”

Indeed, he regards boredom as a good thing. “Furthermore, the ready availability of pornography lessens our tolerance for the kind of boredom that grants our mind the space it needs to spawn good ideas,” he writes. In other words, if we weren’t wasting our time fighting the doldrums by watching porn, we would be creating things of value.

The author advocates a new porn, which he defines as something that would “combine sexual excitement with an interest in other human ideals. The usual animalistic categories and hackneyed plots with stock characters seemingly incapable of coherent speech,” he proposes, “would give way to pornographic images and scenarios based on such qualities as intelligence (showing people reading or wandering the stacks in libraries), kindness (people performing oral sex on one another with an air of sweetness and regard) or humility (people caught looking embarrassed, shy or self-conscious).”

Apparently—and amusingly—the author may not know that the shy but lustful female librarian is one of the clichés of pornography. The example above suggests that his knowledge of the subject is limited.

Moreover, while it is true that contemporary pornography is frequently misogynistic, brutal, and dark, there are also numerous examples of people giving each other gentle, loving pleasure. I have little doubt that such pornography likely provides release for many people who for one reason or another can’t have physical relationships with their peers.

Finally, de Botton’s chapter on adultery is murky, but the author comes out in favor of a faithful marriage over an unfaithful one. In his conclusion, he makes the bold statement—sarcasm alert—that sex invigorates our life.

It’s hard to know what to make of this book. The author read some materials, including the famous works of Masters and Johnson, saw a few films, and did a lot of thinking.

He didn’t, however, do a lot of reading of contemporary sex research. His original insights seem few and paltry. Readers looking for a fresh, original approach to an endlessly written about topic aren’t going to find much new here.

How to Think More About Sex
Picador, December, 2012
Paperback, 192 pages
$16

Child sexual abuse is any sexual behavior directed toward a child by a person who has power over that child. Such behavior always involves a betrayal of the child’s trust.

Some forms of sexual abuse involve physical contact. These include masturbation, intercourse, fondling, oral sex, and anal or vaginal penetration with objects. Other types of sexual abuse, such as exhibitionism, leering, and sexual suggestiveness, do not involve physical contact.

People who sexually abuse children do so in order to meet their own needs. Abusers do not have the child’s best interest in mind. Abusers need not be strangers. They can be anyone in a position of power or trust: fathers, uncles, cousins, stepfathers, siblings, mothers, teachers, babysitters, neighbors, grandparents, peers, clergy, or doctors.

How prevalent is child sexual abuse?

It has been estimated that 20-40 percent of girls and 2-9 percent of boys are sexually abused by the time they reach eighteen. These are probably conservative estimates since many incidents of sexual abuse are never reported.

Child Sexual Abuse in Asian American Communities

Little is known about the prevalence of child sexual abuse in Asian American communities. Existing research overwhelming suggests that the reporting of sexual abuse of Asian American children is proportionately lower than those for other ethnic groups. This could mean that the prevalence of child sexual abuse is lower in Asian Americans and/or that Asian Americans are not as likely to report when child sexual abuse does happen.

Surprisingly, lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of ability. Instead it is often the result of focusing too much on the unrealistic expectations or standards of others, especially parents and society. Friends’ influences can be as powerful or more powerful than those of parents and society in shaping feelings about one’s self. Students in their college years re-examine values and develop their own identities and thus are particularly vulnerable to the influence of friends.

A 1992 research report by Rao and colleagues suggest that Asian American children may respond differently than other ethnic groups. Unlike children from other groups, Asian Americans are more likely to express thoughts of suicide or attempt suicide and less likely to respond with anger or inappropriate sexual behaviors.

Asian Americans also differ from other ethnic groups with respect to the response of the primary caretaker (usually the parent). Rao et al. (1992) found that compared to caretakers from other ethnic groups, Asian American caretakers were least likely to report abuse to authorities, more likely to disbelieve the abuse, and least likely to complete evaluation and treatment of the abuse victim.

Asian American cultural values have been implicated to explain the low prevalence rates for reported child sexual abuse and the response patterns in Asian American families. Specifically, researchers have suggested that many Asian Americans fear a loss of face from others and tend to keep problems within the family. In addition, because Asian American families tend to be patriarchic, reporting child sexual abuse when the perpetrator is the father can lead to significant disruptions in the family structure.

How can I know if I was sexually abused?

If you remember being sexually violated as a child, trust your memories, even if what you’re remembering seems too awful to be true. Children simply do not make things up. It is common, however, for individuals who have been abused not to have clear memories. One way of coping with sexual abuse is to repress or forget that it ever happened. Even in the absence of conscious memories, certain experiences can trigger intense feelings of fear, nausea, and despair. Some of these “triggers” include specific sounds, smells, tastes, words, and facial expressions.

Whether or not you have specific memories, if you suspect that you were sexually abused, then you probably were. Often the first step in remembering involves having a hunch or a suspicion that some type of violation occured. Pay attention to these feelings, for people who suspect that they were sexually abused generally discover that this has been the case.

If it happened back then, why do I have to deal with it now?

There are many factors that make it impossible for children to receive the help that they need at the time of the abuse.

Unfortunately, many children who do seek support are met with reactions such as disbelief, lack of concern, and even blame. Despite efforts to seek help, the abuse may continue or even get worse.

There are many understandable reasons why children do not seek help at the time of the abuse. Abusers often scare children by threatening to retaliate or by insinuating that the child will not be believed. The abuser may also confuse the child by implying that the abuse is the child’s fault. Comments such as “You asked for it,” “You were all over me,” and “I know you enjoyed it” are often used to blame and to silence the child. Sexual abuse of a child can never be the child’s fault.

For whatever reason, if the abuse is not dealt with at the time, its damaging effects will still be present years later.

What are the effects of child sexual abuse?

There are many ways that people experience the harm that results from having been sexually abused. Consider the following questions (Bass and Davis, 1988):
Self-Esteem

• Do you often feel that you are not a worthwhile person?
• Do you feel bad, dirty, or ashamed of yourself?
• Do you have a hard time nurturing yourself?
• Do you feel that you have to be perfect?

Feelings

• Do you have trouble knowing how you feel?
• Have you ever worried about going crazy?
• Is it hard for you to differentiate between various feelings?
• Do you experience a very narrow range of feelings?
• Are you afraid of your feelings? Do they seem out of control?

Your Body

• Do you feel present in your body most of the time? Are there times when you feel as if you’ve left your body?
• Do you have a restricted range of feelings in your body? Do you find it difficult to be aware of what your body is telling you?
• Do you have a hard time loving and accepting your body?
• Do you have any physical illnesses that you think might be related to past sexual abuse?
• Have you ever intentionally hurt yourself or abused your body?

Intimacy

• Do you find it difficult to trust others?
• Are you afraid of people? Do you feel alienated or lonely?
• Do you have trouble making a commitment? Do you panic when people get too close?
• Do you expect people to leave you?
• Have you ever been involved with someone who reminds you of your abuser or someone you know is not good for you?

Sexuality

• Do you try to use sex to meet needs that aren’t sexual?
• Do you ever feel exploited sexually or use your sexuality in a way that exploits others?
• Are you able to “stay present” when making love? Do you go through sex feeling numb or in a panic?
• Do you find yourself avoiding sex or pursuing sex you really don’t want?
• Do you experience flashbacks during sex?

Will I Ever Feel Better?

The devastating effects of sexual abuse do not need to be permanent. You can heal! You have already survived the worst part, the abuse itself. You have choices now that you didn’t have then. If you choose to commit to your own healing process, have patience with yourself, and let others support you along the way, you can learn that it is possible not only to “survive,” but to experience what it means to be truly alive.

Where Do I Begin?

If you think that you may have been sexually abused, speaking with a trained professional can be extremely helpful. You don’t need to be alone in your pain. In fact, “breaking the silence” is one of the most important components of the healing process. Make an appointment with a professional who will understand what you have been through.

Need Additional Help?

The following are excellent sources of information on child sexual abuse:

1. The Courage to Heal. Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. New York: Harper and Row, 1988.
2. The Courage to Heal Workbook. Laura Davis. New York: Harper and Row, 1990.
3. Victims No Longer. Mike Lew. New York: Harper and Row, 1990.
4. Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and about Adults Abused as Children. Eliana Gil. San Francisco: Launch, 1983.
5. Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding and Healing. Wendy Maltz and Beverly Holman. Lexigton, MA: Lexington Books, 1987.

Courtesy of the Counseling Center at University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

Contributor Joris M. Koene, an animal ecologist based in the Netherlands, cites one definition of sexual conflict as “conflict between the evolutionary interests of the two sexes” or, more simply, “what is good for one sex can be bad for the other.” Indeed, much of the book is concerned with examining why negative relationships exist.

According to contributors Charles Crawford and Catherine Salmon, humans ordinarily are cooperative in mating interactions, but can engage in exploitative and detrimental interactions, including jealousy, physical threat, coercion, intimate partner violence,  infidelity, rape, infanticide, and murder. These two experts along with the other essayists raise questions including: Does evolution help explain why men rape women? Why would human females experience orgasm? What physical and chemical adaptations help men ensure fertilization? If a child doesn’t resemble the father, will that affect his willingness to pay child support? And, did anorexia evolve as a way for women to control the timing of reproduction, since a certain amount of body fat is required for menstruation to occur? In general: What sort of hidden mechanisms are controlling our behaviors?

In humans, there are no obvious outward signs when ovulation occurs. Yet studies have shown that men and women change their behavior during a woman’s menstrual cycle. For example, when women are ovulating, they prefer more “masculine” men and they have a greater interest in having affairs. During a woman’s ovulation, men tend to become more jealous and increase the use of “mate-guarding” — all due to a seemingly hidden state.

In contrast to one politician’s recent statement that women have a mechanism to get rid of pregnancies caused by rape, in reality, one essay tells us, the risk of becoming pregnant after rape is “approximately three times higher than after consensual sexual intercourse.” Why would this be? A theory floated by the authors is that men subconsciously are able to trigger ovulation through the content of their sperm.

Some theories in the book seem impossible to prove. For example, the authors of one essay posit that oral sex was probably less prevalent before the advent of “effective methods of personal hygiene.” Aside from this cultural prejudice, they give only one bit of scientific evidence, that “genital herpes, which is of relatively recent origin, appears to be a consequence of transferring the herpes virus that causes cold sores to the genitals through the practice of oral sex.” Genital herpes is new, therefore oral sex is new? This is a weak correlation.

Most of the contributors cite the parental investment theory set forth by Robert L. Trivers in 1972. The theory is described as the state where “females are bound by their physiology to make a significantly greater and longer minimum investment in offspring production and development.” Because of this asymmetry in obligatory parental investment, females are “generally the more valuable sex, and have, in response, evolved to be more selective in their choice of mating partners.” On the other hand, males of most species “have evolved to be less intersexually discriminating and to compete more intensely with each other for access to the reproductively more valuable resources offered by females.”

Parental investment is put forth as a key theory — but a lot of sexual conflict may occur before we’re even born. Koene explains that in Soay sheep, if twins in the womb are of different sexes, “some circulating hormones from the male fetus negatively affect development of the female fetus…[which] are born with a reduced weight…have lower first-year survival, and…a lower lifetime breeding success.” And as for ensuring parenthood, Koene says that dragonflies have “impressive copulatory organs that are specialized for removing sperm from the females’ spermathecae before transferring their own sperm.” The list of competitive mechanisms in both human and non-human species goes on.

As the final essay states, “We live our lives ignorant of the majority of the agents that manipulate and deceive us. … Their manipulative powers have been perfected over eons of evolutionary time.” And, whether we realize it or not, or wish to believe it, “our spouses, our families, our friends, and our colleagues are all hidden troves of manipulative intentions and schemes.” Reading about those manipulative schemes in “The Oxford Handbook” may make you realize that you, too, are the complex product of an inescapable past.

The Oxford Handbook of Sexual Conflict in Humans
Oxford University Press, USA, January, 2012
Hardcover, 384 pages
$135

It’s true. Research shows that half of all couples will experience infidelity in their relationship. Reasons for affairs are many and complicated and outside the full scope of this article. But there are many common factors that can contribute to affairs, and many ways to recover your relationship after an affair. (For poly or open couples, consider an affair to be the bringing in of a third party without mutual consent.)

What Creates Fertile Grounds for Affairs?

Just like a garden, relationships need to be nurtured and tended. All too often, the garden of our relationship is left unattended; weeds grow and plants die due to lack of water and sun (i.e., care and attention). It is all too easy, especially in child-centered families, for partners to focus on the practicalities of child care to the exclusion of their relationship.

Parents be warned: The seeds for a future affair can all too easily be sown in the early stages of starting a family. Neglecting your partner and your relationship for the sake of the children does not create a happy family. It creates emotional instability, especially if you or your partner start looking to fulfill your emotional needs outside the relationship. Make sure to devote some time to your relationship, too. Your children will be happier and more secure if they see parents who have a strong, loving bond, even if this means the kids don’t always get to come first.

It is also easy, especially in long-term relationships, for couples with or without children to start taking each other for granted or fall into the rut of routine. While there is comfort in structure and predictability, you don’t want to let your relationship become stagnant. Affairs are often a misguided way to seek excitement and aliveness. Unfortunately, having an affair will take you away from your primary relationship rather than toward it. In effect, you are starting a new garden somewhere else and leaving your current garden to wither in the dark. Make the effort occasionally to do something fun and different together. Why? It creates intimacy and brings growth and vitality to your relationship. As with gardening, you want to add fertilizer and occasionally turn the soil so that your plants and flowers will flourish.

Still, you could follow all the above suggestions and tend the garden of your relationship with much care and love, only to encounter the threat of an affair springing up like weeds. As Shirley Glass warns: “A happy marriage is not a vaccine against infidelity.”

To really vaccinate your relationship against affairs, Glass recommends the following guidelines. While some might find them too restrictive—and, as one lesbian couple complained, “too hetero” and another poly couple pointed out, “way too monogamous”—it is worth having them as a reference point. In the guidelines below, poly couples may want to replace the word marriage with primary relationship, but be warned: this list is definitely pro-monogamy.

7 Tips for Preventing Infidelity

1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows opened at home. Put up privacy walls with those who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a coworker, meet in public rooms, not a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of your marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to a class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch alone with an old flame. (This may be unrealistic in the lesbian community, as exes are so often part of one’s community and even friendship circle.)
6. Don’t go over the line when online with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him or her your e-mail if he or she is interested. Invite your partner to join in correspondence so your Internet friends won’t get any wrong ideas. Don’t exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don’t believe in fooling around.

Let’s look at the worst-case scenario. You or your partner has an affair. How can you help your relationship recover?

Our Inner Dialogue Affects Our Thoughts and Feelings

How we manage our thoughts when they come into our mind (our “inner dialogue”) directly affects how we feel and what we do. If we use this to our advantage, we can have a potent tool to manage our state of mind and have more control over ourselves. Alternatively, we can give in to “natural” instincts and thought patterns and see what happens when they take over.

Jeremy, 42, was bright and outgoing — though as a boy he was shy, insecure and lonely. In high school he was convinced that any girl he liked would be out of his league and would not like him. He coped with these painful feelings by using his imagination, comforting himself with sexual scenarios in which any girl he liked would fall in love with him. Jeremy was never inappropriate with anyone and kept these fantasies a secret.

As an adult, Jeremy was active socially and happily married with a satisfying sex life. Still, he continued in the vivid fantasy life he had as a boy, habitually imagining scenarios about various women who crossed his path,Though Jeremy’s self-image seemed positive, unconsciously he carried with him the deeply ingrained, buried sense of himself as rejected and unlovable, and continued to use the power he found in his mind to abolish this perception of himself. Jeremy never sought help for this issue, since he believed that fantasizing was harmless, and that he was no different than other men.

Jeremy frequently fantasized about Zooey, a single co-worker at the same firm. He had made a commitment to himself never to let on t her about these fantasies, knowing that doing so could put him at greater risk for acting on them. Jeremy described his relationship with Zooey as neutral. There had never been any flirtation between them and Jeremy never felt any special connection with her other than a private attraction.

Eventually, Zooey decided to leave the firm for another job. As the two of them were saying goodbye, Zooey suddenly confessed to Jeremy that she had been fantasizing about him over the last several years. To his surprise, Jeremy found himself excitedly blurting out that he had actually been fantasizing about her too. At that juncture Zooey reached out to him to say goodbye, kissing him on the lips. Despite having breached his own boundaries, Jeremy rationalized to himself that he was still safe, since he had informed Zooey that he was happily married.

Previously, Jeremy’s fantasies had seemed safely compartmentalized. However, Zooey’s unexpected confession instantly dissolved the fragile line separating fantasy and reality, making Jeremy’s fantasy suddenly come true. In this confusing zone where the two worlds blend, acting in ways previously contained to the fantasy world can feel instinctive. After all, one has already “been there” in one’s mind.

Jeremy found himself drawn into in an excited, infatuated state that felt irresistible. Following the farewell incident, he and Zooey exchanged various texts and phone calls, a new occurrence. Jeremy said that he didn’t want to have an affair, and had no intention of doing so. Nevertheless, he was reluctant to follow his therapist’s recommendation to cut off contact entirely and make the ending of his relationship with Zooey final.

With just a few clicks, any child can access an unending world of pornography on his or her computer; children “sext” with one another; commercials for “male enhancement” pills are shown between segments on ESPN’s SportsCenter — sex is everywhere. It’s not that this is necessarily bad. Rather, it’s only bad insofar as it is not put into the appropriate context for children.

To do that, parents must take active roles. In Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go To Person” About Sex, Deborah Roffman advises just that.

The goal of her book, Roffman writes, is to provide “‘ways into the conversations you most want to have, about topics you hold dear, with kids of all ages.” There is no universal authority on sex. Every nation, every community, every family views the issue differently. The key is striking a balance where a rational, even-keeled dialogue can be opened up between parent and child. As most experts would agree, and Roffman makes abundantly clear, this is a task for the parent. She writes:

“[American culture] still can’t seem to decide if sex is the best thing in the world or the worst thing in the world; the most serious topic around or the most reliable fodder for joke-making from the playground to the late-night television screen; a holy sacrament or ‘no big deal;’ the highest form of human physical and emotional intimacy, or a ‘quickie’ between relative strangers. Our children truly are caught in the crossfire of all this confusion, struggling to make sense of these obsessive and polar opposite fixations. It’s parents more than anyone who can help find their way through the morass.”

Talk to Me First is divided into nine chapters, in which Roffman writes on many sex-related topics from a parent overcoming his or her unwillingness to engage their child in a healthy dialogue, to examining the impact of AIDS on sexual discourse, to cognitive development and acceptance of children as inherently sexual beings.

The book is written with authority, but it does not read like some scholarly article in a medical journal. First and foremost, Talk to Me First is a self-help book. It’s meant to provide empathy, advice, knowledge and reinforcement. And it’s written in such a way to impart its wisdom while keeping the reader – the parent - calm and rational.

Sex is a tricky subject. Roffman, the author of the well-received Sex and Sensibility, understands this. She writes: “For most of history, parents could reliably count on culture to reinforce the values and worldview they most wanted to pass on to their children. That was before mass media changed all of that, perhaps permanently.” The world that current parents grew up in is a thing of the past, most likely never to be resurrected again. The world has not gotten more liberal so to speak, but more modern. This fact, however, does not preclude the capacity for education.

Where Roffman excels most is not merely in her approach, but also with her thoroughness. She offers a broad, yet detailed, view of all things sex. She doesn’t boil ideas down to their plainest or simplest terms. Instead, she paints a portrait of larger issues before zeroing in with intricate details and practical information.

The primary point that Roffman makes is that not only are children sexual beings, but they are adults, or at least soon-to-be adults. When broaching a subject as sensitive as sex with them, there must be an inherent level of respect. Condescension is the enemy. Roffman writes:

“Through it all, we can also help by clarifying ‘adulthood’ in realistic and honest terms. Too often, in the eyes of teenagers and in society’s depiction, an adult is someone who does ‘adult’ things—driving, drinking, spending money, having sexual experiences. We can help them see that being an adult involves how we do things, not what we do. They will inevitably make some very good decisions and some very bad ones, and we may never know about them either way. But if we keep encouraging them to stay connected to us as anticipatory guides, we’ll maximize their chances — and research confirms this —that they’ll put off making major decisions, the ones that can most affect their health and their future, until they’re secure and mature enough to make the right ones.”

Talk to Me First unquestionably succeeds. Roffman understands her subject better than most, and that knowledge is evident in the book. Her empathy and relatability should be commended. Her book should certainly be read by any parent looking to help and connect with their child.

Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go To Person” About Sex
By Deborah Roffman
Da Capo Lifelong Books: July 31, 2012
Paperback,  296 pages
$14.99

Plenty.

Being friends and being housemates are two entirely different things. If you are stressed or upset about what a friend does when you live separately, you can retreat to your own space and decide whether to let it go or deal. When you live in the same 1000 square feet (or less), it’s another story. It’s deal or let the relationship start to fall apart.

The key to living together successfully is spending time talking about assumptions and ground rules before you move in and revisiting them on a regular basis. The people who get into the most trouble are those who somehow assume that just because they are friends, they share the same taste in music, the same ability to handle money, the same tolerance for noise, the same standards for neatness, and the same ideas about who should do what. It rarely works out that way. Yes, it may seem silly to formally meet about things you think are just common sense. Yes, there will be people who don’t want to be bothered with a lengthy discussion of who will clean the bathroom and whether dishes get left in the sink to soak or get done right away. But it’s those seemingly little things that can cause major tension.

Here are the top 5 complaints that make roommates start to seriously consider murder:

1. Bills.

Sharing a household means sharing bills. The rent and utility bills have to be paid and paid on time. Your landlord and the electric company don’t have a sense of humor or an ounce of compassion for those who don’t.

It’s unfair to ask housemates to front your share because you spent your rent money at the bar or on a pair of shoes. It feels terrible to be the “responsible one” in a group and to be always hounding the others to cough up the cash. Keep it clean. Create a system for getting all the money together and for paying each bill so no one is left feeling guilty or exploited.

2. Chores.

Having been bugged by your parents for years to take out the trash or to clean your room, you may be delighted to be on your own. Funny thing. If you want your place to look decent and to be attractive to those you date, you still have to take out the trash and clean your room. What you do in your own bedroom is your business, of course. But living together successfully means coming up with some agreed-upon standards for how the common spaces will be kept up and for who will do what to keep them that way. Take the time to come to agreement about how clean is clean enough and for getting the chores done.

3. Borrowing.

It may come as new information to some of the people in your group that not everyone has a “what’s mine is yours” policy. Not everyone is comfortable sharing their clothes, their CDs or their toothbrush. People often have different expectations for when it’s important to ask and when it’s okay to just go and borrow something out of a roommate’s room or to use the last of a roommate’s coffee creamer. Be clear about it.

4. Overnight guests.

It’s a common problem. Four people agree to share a four-bedroom place. A boyfriend or girlfriend of one of the group starts staying over. Everyone likes him or her. Everyone kind of agrees that romance requires time together at each other’s place. But it gets dicey when the significant other starts staying over more and more often. Now there are five people sharing space that only four people pay for. Now there’s an extra person wanting time in the shower and competing for the coffee maker.

The same issues apply to that guy on the couch. Unless everyone is into giving him a free place to crash, it’s a major imposition on the household. It’s a good idea to talk about some ground rules for guests well ahead of when anyone is into a new romance and before someone takes pity on their old friend from home who needs a place to stay. Otherwise, it can become a very uncomfortable situation.

5. Noise.

You may not think your music is too loud or that your friends are too rowdy but your housemate may find it intolerable. Especially if some of you are students and need quiet to study, it’s important to set up some ground rules for how loud is too loud. The same is true when a housemate’s job requires doing paperwork at home. Some tasks just require a little bit of peace and quiet. And, please, try to keep the sounds of your private sex life private. What you think of as acceptable passionate abandon may make your housemates cringe.

Don’t let differences about the sounds of each other’s lifestyles and taste in music become one of those issues that goes from slow boil to boiling over. Find a way to talk about what people need and when and try to make appropriate compromises.

The basis of Red Flags is that some people—more than we typically assume—are sociopaths, and if we are not careful to educate ourselves about their potential dangers, we are all capable of being victims of, as Andersen calls it, love fraud.

Andersen is quick to caution that the word “sociopath” is not meant in a formal sense, as a medical professional might use it. It is instead used “as a generic description for a social predator, someone who lives his or her life by exploiting others.” Although Andersen does provide a solid amount of psychological background on sociopaths, the fact that she uses the word in a way in which it is not supposed to be used is rather curious. By painting overly broad strokes, Andersen runs the risk of oversimplifying and writing in absolute terms when doing so is inappropriate.

As Andersen writes: “Sociopaths are male, female, old, young, well-groomed, disheveled. They come in all shapes and sizes.” In this way, it is frustrating that Andersen chose to cast the term that is the basis of her thesis as something of a catchall.

This is not to devalue the merits of Andersen’s book. While her subject is not widely known, it is indeed interesting and worthy of analysis. That said, when dealing with a subject that is so psychologically complex, it is counterintuitive to make the foundation so simplistic.

There are a lot of good things in Red Flags. Often, though, general themes and ideas are restated in different ways, and the same advice and wisdom is recycled. Again, what is said is certainly interesting and noteworthy, but the constant restating diminishes the impact of the ideas and negates some of their legitimacy. It’s not so much what is said that falters, but how it is said.

Along these lines, another criticism of Red Flags is its implicitly anti-male tone. Admittedly, Andersen does cite a statistic that men are three times more likely to be sociopaths than are women, and, as evidenced by the quotation above, she does concede that women, too, can be sociopaths. But of the numerous examples Andersen includes throughout the book, only a handful portrays a woman as the sociopath instead of a man.

Moreover, of the almost 250 pages, Andersen spends only two discussing female sociopaths. Despite the fact that men are statistically more likely to be sociopaths than are women, it would have been prudent to dedicate more text and examples to women being the predator. To not do so comes off as a something of a covert attack on men.

Despite these criticisms, it must be noted that Red Flags does provide some useful information. Through her website, Andersen has heard from and communicated with thousands of people who were, like she, victims of love fraud. And in the modern age in which we live, many of these relationships were started through online dating websites. Andersen writes:

Because of its global outreach and anonymity, the Internet is custom-tailored for social predators. It offers an endless supply of potential victims, so the hunt is simply a numbers game. Sociopaths register on multiple dating sites simultaneously. They randomly friend people on Facebook. They just keep baiting their hooks until someone bites.

Anonymity is a core characteristic of the Internet. When communicating via the web, you never really know with whom you are talking, and sociopaths use this to their advantage, pretending to be anybody they want.

Approximately one in five relationships is started through online dating. With the medium continuously gaining popularity and appeal, Andersen is right to caution against blind faith in it. While online dating is without question a useful—and for some, necessary—tool, it should be approached with a certain level of caution, especially when someone whom one is talking to fits Andersen’s bill of a sociopath.

Although Red Flags of Love Fraud is perhaps not as academic as it should be, it is nonetheless informative. It is certainly flawed, but it is also prescient: Considering how many people are victims of love fraud, not nearly enough are aware of its realities. Andersen’s book is a good first step.

Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath
By Donna Andersen
Anderly: June 11, 2012
Paperback, 246 pages
$19.95

However, emotional abandonment has nothing to do with proximity. It can happen when the other person is lying right beside you — when you can’t connect and your emotional needs aren’t being met in the relationship.

Emotional Needs

Often people aren’t aware of their emotional needs and just feel that something’s missing. But people have many emotional needs in intimate relationships. They include the following needs:

• To be listened to and understood
• To be nurtured
• To be appreciated
• To be valued
• To be accepted
• For affection
• For love
• For companionship

Consequently, if there is high conflict, abuse, or infidelity, these emotional needs go unmet. Sometimes, infidelity is a symptom of emotional abandonment in the relationship by one or both partners. Additionally, if one partner is addicted, the other may feel neglected, because the addiction comes first and consumes the addict’s attention, preventing him or her from being present.

Causes of Emotional Abandonment

Yet even in a healthy relationship, there are periods, days, and even moments of emotional abandonment that may be intentional or unconscious. They can be caused by:

• Intentionally withholding communication or affection
• External stressors, including the demands of parenting
• Illness
• Conflicting work schedules
• Lack of mutual interests and time spent together
• Preoccupation and self-centeredness
• Lack of healthy communication
• Unresolved resentment
• Fear of intimacy

When couples don’t share common interests or work and sleep schedules, one or both may feel abandoned. You have to make an extra effort to spend time talking about your experiences and intimate feelings with each other to keep the relationship fresh and alive.

More harmful are unhealthy communication patterns that may have developed, where one or both partners doesn’t share openly, listen with respect, and respond with interest to the other. If you feel ignored or that your partner doesn’t understand or care about what you’re communicating, then there’s a chance that eventually you may stop talking to him or her. Walls begin to build and you find yourself living separate lives emotionally. One sign may be that you talk more to your friends than to your partner or are disinterested in sex or spending time together.

Resentments easily develop in relationships when your feelings, especially hurt or anger, aren’t expressed. When they go underground, you may either pull away emotionally or push your partner away with criticism or undermining comments. If you have expectations that you don’t communicate, but instead believe your partner should be able to guess or intuit them, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment.

When you or your partner fears intimacy, you may pull away, put up walls, or push one another away. Usually, this fear isn’t conscious. In counseling, couples are able to talk about their ambivalence, which allows them to get closer. Often abandoning behavior occurs after a period of closeness or sex. One person may physically withdraw or create distance by not talking or even by talking too much. Either way, it may leave the other person feeling alone and abandoned. Fears of intimacy usually stem from emotional abandonment in childhood.

In Childhood

Emotional abandonment in childhood can happen if the primary caretaker, usually the mother, is unable to be present emotionally for her baby. It’s often because she’s replicating her childhood experience, but it may also be due to stress. It’s important for a baby’s emotional development that the mother attune to her child’s feelings and needs and reflect them back. She may be preoccupied, cold, or unable to empathize with her child’s success or upsetting emotions. He or she then ends up feeling alone, rejected, or deflated. The reverse is also true – where a parent gives a child a lot of attention, but isn’t attuned to what the child actually needs. The child’s needs hence go unmet, which is a form of abandonment.

Abandonment happens later, too, when children are criticized, controlled, unfairly treated, or otherwise given a message that they or their experience is unimportant or wrong. Children are vulnerable, and it doesn’t take much for a child to feel hurt and “abandoned.” Abandonment can occur when a parent confides in his or her child or expects a child to take on age-inappropriate responsibilities. At those times, the child must suppress his or her feelings and needs in order to meet the needs of the adult.

A few incidents of emotional abandonment don’t harm a child’s healthy development, but when they’re common occurrences, they reflect deficits in the parent, which affect the child’s sense of self and security that often lead to intimacy issues and codependency in adult relationships. Couples counseling can bring couples together to enjoy more closeness, heal from abandonment, and change their behavior.

Usually women complain about emotionally unavailable men. Yet many women aren’t aware they’re emotionally unavailable, too. When you get hooked on someone else who is (think Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big), your problem is disguised as his. This keeps you in denial of your own unavailability.

There are several types of unavailability, both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been unavailable due to mental illness or a troubled childhood. Others temporarily make something a higher priority than a relationship, such as a family obligation, education, project, or a health concern. People recently divorced or widowed may temporarily not be ready to get involved with someone new. In the middle are those who are too afraid to risk falling in love because they’ve been hurt by one or more relationships, which may include being hurt by a parent when they were a child. Often these different reasons for unavailability overlap, and it’s difficult to ascertain whether the problem is chronic or will pass.

If you’re looking for a close, committed relationship, a person living in another state, or who is married or still in love with someone else is not going to be there for you. Similarly, addicts, including workaholics, are unavailable because their addiction is the priority and it controls them. Still, some people give the appearance of availability and speak openly about their feelings and their past. You don’t realize until you’re already in a relationship that they’re unable to really connect emotionally or make a commitment.

10 Signs of Someone Unavailable Emotionally

Here’s a list of more subtle red flags that may signal unavailability, especially when several add up. They apply to both genders. Following them are questions to ask yourself to find out whether you’re ready for a committed relationship.

1. Flirting with flattery. Men who are too flattering may also be adept listeners and communicators, like snake charmers. Often good at short-term intimacy, some lure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the catch.

2. Control. Someone who won’t be inconvenienced to modify his or her routine. Typically, commitment phobics are inflexible and loathe compromises. Relationships revolve around them.

3. Listen. Your date may hint or even admit that he or she isn’t good at relationships or doesn’t believe in or isn’t ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them. Ignore vulnerability, bragging, and compliments.

4. The past. Find out if the person has had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You may learn that prior relationships ended at the stage when intimacy normally develops.

5. Perfection seekers. These people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy. When they can’t find imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’re better than their past partners.

6. Anger. Notice rudeness to waiters and others, revealing pent-up rage. This type of person is demanding and probably emotionally abusive.

7. Arrogance. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed.

8. Lateness. Chronic lateness is inconsiderate, and can also indicate the person is avoiding a relationship, but don’t assume that punctuality means he or she’s a catch.

9. Invasiveness or evasiveness. Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate questions too soon about money or sex, for example, indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold. Conversely, someone may conceal his or her past due to shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.

10. Seduction. Beware of sexual cues given too early. Seducers avoid authenticity because they don’t believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power play and about conquest.

Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there’s mutual attraction. Even if the person seems to be Mr. or Mrs. Right, yet is emotionally unavailable, you’re left with nothing but pain. If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointment, you run the risk of enduring long-term misery.

10 Questions to Ask Yourself

Be honest with yourself about your own availability.

• Are you angry at the opposite sex? Do you like jokes at their expense? If so, you may need to heal from past wounds before you’re comfortable getting close to someone.
• Do you make excuses to avoid getting together?
• Do you think you’re so independent you don’t need anyone?
• Do you fear falling in love because you may get hurt?
• Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Although people complain about their problems, many have even more difficulty accepting the good.
• Are you distrustful? Maybe you’ve been betrayed or lied to in the past and now look for it in everyone.
• Do you avoid intimacy by filling quiet times with distractions?
• Are you uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings? Do you have secrets you’re ashamed of that make you feel undesirable or unlovable?
• Do you usually like to keep your options open in case someone better comes along?
• Do you fear a relationship may place too many expectations on you, that you’d give up your independence or lose your autonomy?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, counseling can help you heal in order to risk getting close. If you’re involved with someone emotionally unavailable, pressuring him or her to be more intimate is counterproductive. However, marriage or couples counseling can change the relationship dynamics and help you to have a more fulfilling intimate relationship.

Their goal in writing this e-book is to help couples establish a deep intimacy, both emotionally and erotically.  They explain that this is for any couple who want to reestablish their intimate relationship.  However, this book is not intended to replace therapy for sexual trauma or sexual dysfunction.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw are experienced professionals who truly understand both the issues with intimacy and the steps to creating a solid relationship.  This book will help you talk about your physical relationship, learn more about your partner’s needs, and ultimately achieve “sexual abundance.”  The Bercaws define sexual abundance as “erotic experience…paired with deep emotional connection” and is something that they discovered over their many years of studying sexuality and relationships.  Ultimately, this book will help your sexuality to be in balance with the rest of your life.

The authors begin by establishing a relationship’s arc — how physical intimacy suffers after the honeymoon stage is over and lovers become parents.  Ideas are explained through both prose and diagrams, so it is easy to follow the Bercaws’ explanations of the patterns of intimacy and relationships. 

This book is meant to be a commitment between you and your partner, so you should be equally involved in the process.  The authors include a lot of activities for couples to complete together, so be prepared to make time to take advantage of all this book has to offer.  Through carefully crafted steps, couples will build a deep foundation for their relationship, so that physical intimacy is based on real connection.

If you read the Bercaws’ previous book, The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy, don’t confuse that audience with the intended audience for this book. The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy was written for couples recovering from sexual addiction.  This book includes many of the same core principles on intimacy that the first book does, but this one is written to apply to a wide range of couples.

As the title implies, Bill and Ginger Bercaw are not solely focused on the physical relationship in the bedroom, but on the entire relationship.  Throughout the text, they include Planned Intimate Experiences (PIEs) that are designed to help couples build a solid foundation for their relationship.  Later on in the text, these experiences include more physical aspects, but they begin by creating dialogues between you and your partner.  This is to help establish the “Living Room” relationship, then they move to the “Bedroom” relationship.  They show how these two types of relationships work together, so as one is strengthened, the other is as well. 

After giving a detailed opening explaining their intentions, the Bercaws break down their advice into six sections. Each section is a step toward achieving sexual abundance. Because the steps are designed as building blocks, it is important that you follow each one. 

The first three steps begin by building a foundation in dialogue, sharing your vision and “protecting” the time you need to connect to one another.  The fourth step is to “prepare to repair,” which provides a reminder that “a healthy relationship is not the absence of conflict and difficulties.” This is one example of how these steps were built around real life.  The authors continually acknowledge that relationships are not perfect, but do deserve to be worked on.  Finally, they get to the final steps of enjoying abundance and gratitude.

The Bercaws clearly are an experienced couple. They are able constantly to explain the patterns they see in couples. They also include real-life examples to demonstrate situations in which couples can find themselves.  This helps take their advice out of the realm of the theoretical, so you can actually see it in practice. The PIEs serve the same purpose.

This is meant to be a journey that you and your partner go on together.  Don’t get shy now!  While some of their advice might make you blush, it is all an attempt to help your partner learn more about you.  As long as you keep this in mind, I think this can be a very rewarding experience. 

Also note, though, that the Bercaws want you to view this book as a commitment. They even include a contract for you and your partner to sign.  This is to show that you are both making your relationship a priority and to encourage you to complete the entire book. 

By the end of the book the authors not only plan to have you feeling reconnected, but “… to have a system in place for ongoing enhancement.”  So, while the process may seem a bit long, it is meant to last.

This e-book is available only from the authors’ website, $19.95

We hear a lot about the importance of male role models in a boy’s life. It is indeed important. But what’s often missing from the conversation is the importance of fathers in a daughter’s life as well. As we come up on the annual celebration of fathers in America, let’s consider the psychology of father-daughter relationships.

Children really do learn what they live. Not having the perspective of older people, they consider whatever their family is like as their “normal.” From infancy, girls draw conclusions about what men are like from the men in their life. If there is a father (or a male in her life who takes a father role), that man becomes her guidepost for what to expect of men and what to expect of men’s attitude toward women. His relationship to her mother or his significant other is her template for what her relationship with a man will be when she grows up.

Those early learnings are powerful. Regardless of what happens as a teen and adult, a girl who identifies her gender as female has already created a set of assumptions of what that means for her to be a woman by the time she is 4 or 5 years old. At each stage of her development, she is watching and learning from the women — and men — around her to figure out how to be successful as a woman and how to be in a relationship with a man. When that learning is positive and helpful for negotiating the world, a daughter will grow up to be at ease in her own skin and in her sexuality. When it is conflicted or creates expectations that are demeaning or less than useful for cooperating with others, her relationship with herself, with other women, and with men will be troubled.

What all this means for a father or father figure is that he counts. He counts a lot. Regardless of whether he wants the responsibility, a father’s relationship to the world and to women sets down a template that will be played out for another generation. Men who take their job as a father of a daughter seriously are men who know the importance of the following 10 basic principles:

1. Love her mother. Theodore M. Hesburgh, a former president of Notre Dame University, is quoted as saying that this is the most important thing a man can do. It’s true. To Hesburgh’s idea, I would add this: If you can’t love her mother, find something to respect and admire in her anyway. With a high divorce rate and equally high never-married-parent rate, it’s important to acknowledge that not all parents are bound by love. But however a father feels emotionally about a girl’s mom, it is in his and the child’s best interests for him to treat the mother with respect and consideration, no matter what. Even if the mother doesn’t return the favor, he can live an honorable life that shows his daughters that a man takes the high road when it comes to his respect for women and his responsibilities to his children.

2. Attach to your daughters. Let them attach to you. Girls with a solid sense of self are often their daddy’s buddy at least for awhile when growing up. Spend regular quality time with her. Don’t be afraid to take her out for a hike or for a game of catch or a round of the basketball game Horse (or Pig, or whatever variant you play). Girls are just as likely to like to do such things with their dad as a boy is. Let her know you love her with the words and hugs that are appropriate for her age. Whatever your relationship with her mother, your relationship with your daughter is critically important.

3. Attach with safety. In America, national surveys of adults find that nine to 28 percent of women say they experienced some type of sexual abuse or assault in childhood. The best preventative measure is to teach your daughter about privacy, modesty, and appropriate boundaries. Fathers model where the lines are between appropriate affection and inappropriate touch.

4. Celebrate her mind. Read to your little girl. Be interested in what she is learning in school. Pay attention to her interests and be honestly curious to learn what she knows about them. Share interesting things about your work and your hobbies. Research shows that the most successful women have generally had fathers who were interested in their intellect and their academics.

5. Go to her events. You may find you have real interest in girls’ basketball or musical theatre when it’s your daughter on the team or in the show. If you don’t, give yourself a pep talk and go anyway. She needs you there as a witness to her talents, her efforts, and her achievements.

6. Tell her she’s pretty. Admire her style. We live in a culture where girls are often insecure about their looks. A dad’s compliments for how she moves on a sports field, dresses for school, or combs her hair aren’t sexist when they’re sincere and not sexual. (A dad would – and should – do the same for his son.) Genuine statements of approval are one of the building blocks of her self-esteem.

7. Show her that real men can negotiate differences with women. When you and your significant other or a female relative disagrees, or if you disagree with her, let your daughter see you work through the conflict in a calm and reasonable way. She is less likely to fall for a bully if she knows that men and women can deal with differences respectfully.

8. Treat all adult women the way you want your daughter to be treated someday. Take care with what you say about women you work with, the women in your family, and even the woman driving the car in the next lane. Don’t indulge in mother-in-law or other sexist jokes. Your daughter is listening. Your attitude about women is part of the attitude she is developing about herself.

9. Treat her the way you want her future partner to treat her. The way you interact with your daughter is what she becomes used to when relating to a man. Treat her with respect, dignity, caring, and affection and she will expect to be treated that way by a mate.

10. Be the kind of man you want your daughter to marry. Make no mistake; you are the model for manhood your daughter is likely to look for when she starts to date. If you want her to find a man who is faithful to his partner, who is honest and hardworking, who knows how to have fun, who uses money wisely and who doesn’t abuse people, drugs, or alcohol, then you need to be that kind of man. “Do as I say, not as I do” seldom works. Your daughter will believe what you do far more than what you say.

What follows is a brief tour through the world of marital sexuality with a focus on how to understand the issues and strategies to repair the damage.

Gender and Physiology

Men and women are different. While these differences get debated in some circles, when it comes to sex, they are real and very clear. Unfortunately many couples fail to reflect on these differences and integrate them into an understanding of how to be successful partners.

Start with arousal patterns. Men are quick to be aroused and relatively quick to achieve orgasm. The “spike” rises sharply and drops off just as sharply. Men are especially aroused visually; brain research documents this. So looking at other women, at magazines, videos, and online pornography play a much bigger role in the sexual life of men.

Women are aroused more slowly and after achieving orgasm, tend to remain at a high plateau of arousal before dropping off. These are very different physiological patterns. No wonder it is a challenge for couples to really experience mutual satisfaction. These differences must not be ignored; instead they must be incorporated into the lovemaking process.

The simplest way to do this is, regardless of who initiates the foreplay, is for men to focus on pleasuring their wives, bringing them to an initial orgasm before focus is given to bringing the male to orgasm. It is also critical for men to understand what will help their wives achieve orgasm. While clitoral stimulation is usually a key component, many women still “get off” on intercourse, especially if the angle is such that it also stimulates the clitoris or that clitoral stimulation is being done manually by either partner during intercourse.

It is also important to understand the psychological implications of the different genital anatomies. For men, sexual intercourse is an external act. This has evolutionary implications about the need for prehistoric men to “seed” many partners in order to insure survival of the species. It is part of what allows men to more easily separate sex from love. But, for a woman, to have intercourse means allowing a man to enter her body. That is a deeply personal act and men need to appreciate this. It is why women complain about the need for emotional intimacy before they can be sexually active. Combine this with the difference in arousal patterns and it becomes much easier to understand why it is so important for women to experience meaningful foreplay.

Yet there is a trap here for women that becomes a key issue for so many of the couples who come to see me. When couples are struggling, women insist on emotional safety and closeness in order to be actively sexual. That creates a prohibitive barrier to improving the marital relationship, since the lack of sex, especially for men, but a lot more for women than they recognize, is one of the central underlying problems in not resolving their issues. Women act as if sex is still a process of servicing men and often deny that they are sexual beings who need to be serviced at least as much if not more. While some female readers may be dismissing this because it is being written by a male author, this concept is a central theme in books written by some of the best known female professionals in marital work such as Betty Carter, Ellen Wachtel, and Susan Scantling.

Women need to have sex! For themselves! So it is important to overcome the excuse of emotional disconnection and have sex with your husbands as frequently as possible. It will allow BOTH partners to feel closer and create a more intimate context in which to resolve other issues. I am, of course, not suggesting that this can happen in relationships that are verbally and, especially, physically abusive.

Every couple has experience with friends.  In some cases, the couple’s mutual friends introduced them.  In other cases, the couple met another couple and became friends.  In all cases, there are friends that one partner likes and the other does not.  Two Plus Two examines these couple relationships in depth.  Drs. Greif and Deal note that it is important for the individual to have friends, but that it is also important for a couple to have friends.  Just as friends enrich our individual lives, friendships with other couples may enrich the lives of the two halves of the partnership.

Two Plus Two examines several real-life heterosexual couples ages 21 and up who have been committed for at least a year.  The study also included 58 people who had divorced.  The study found that people can be classified on a spectrum of how likely that person is to seek and make friends.  There are people who actively seek friendships and have many friends.  There are also people who have very few friends and are still happy.  Of course, there are also people everywhere in between.

In the context of a couple relationship (that is, two couples being friends), there will inevitably be the male half of one couple interacting with the female half of the other.  One would think that this often raises suspicions between the couples.  The opposite, however, is true.  Two Plus Two found that each member of a couple is completely trusting of the other member with the members of their couple friends.  There was very little, if any, sexual tension among the people involved.

I enjoyed reading Two Plus Two.  As I mentioned earlier, the authors made it easy for anyone to understand.  Also, even though the study focused on heterosexual couples, I can testify that the same rules and principles presented in the book apply to homosexual couples.  Overall, Two Plus Two is a refreshing look into what makes people tick.  Friendships help us to grow as individuals so that we may be good partners.  Couple relationships help our partnerships grow so they may become lifelong fulfillments of our deepest desires.

Without a doubt, I would recommend Two Plus Two to anyone looking to better understand themselves, their partner, or their relationships with other people.  It certainly helped me resolve some issues in my love life and aided me in concluding that my partner and I were simply incompatible on the most fundamental of levels—he wanted to actively seek out new friends, and I am perfectly happy having a few close friends.  Two Plus Two is absolutely a book that will teach you more about yourself and your partner than you probably cared to know.

Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships
By Geoffrey L. Greif and Kathleen Holtz Deal
Routledge: January 10, 2012
Paperback, 231 pages
$23.95

The McCarthys state their aim in the book’s introduction:

[This book] is designed to help people—especially married and serious couples—enhance sexual awareness, communication, feelings, and function… Our goal is to increase sexual awareness and acceptance, which lead to the new mantra for healthy couple sexuality: enhanced desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction.

The McCarthys, though, are quick to caution that the book “is not do-it-yourself sex therapy” and “is not a substitute for therapy.”

What the book offers, however, are techniques, exercises and information that can aid “healthy couple sexuality.” Nothing is meant to be a panacea. The book can help fix myriad problems, but if there is true psychological unrest at the root of the couple’s struggle, then actual couples therapy might be the prudent approach. That said, for more acute problems, as well as for enhancing a sexual relationship, Sexual Awareness is a golden resource.

A nice update that clearly was possible in the book’s original publication are the topic of sex addiction and Internet pornography. The McCarthys write:

It is crucial to recognize that a minority of men (fewer than one in five) do misuse porn in a manner that subverts healthy sexuality for themselves and their intimate relationship. In that situation, the compulsive, addictive use of Internet porn must be confronted and changed because it is destructive for both individual and couple sexuality.

One of the key problems the McCarthys point to is that when most men masturbate they are orgasm-driven. That is, they do not take in the whole experience, so to speak. It is a mindless act used as a means to an end. Not only is this mindset unhealthy, but it can also lead to “goal-oriented sex performance.” As the McCarthys point out, sex between a couple should not necessarily be about reaching orgasm; there should not necessarily be an established goal.

Couples, instead, need to be, to use the book’s term, aware of what is occurring. There needs to be a greater degree of mindfulness during sex. The McCarthys write: “So much sexual activity is goal-oriented and intercourse-oriented that sensual and sexual awareness is inhibited by the rush to intercourse and orgasm.” They continue: “Intercourse is not the only means of sexual expression, nor does sex equal intercourse.”

A reoccurring theme in Sexual Awareness is that what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. And by extension, what is right for one couple is not necessarily right for another. In a healthy sexual relationship, the partners must work together. Not only must there be open lines of communication, but there must also be a willingness to err.

“There is a romantic myth that if you are in love and communicate, sex always works well,” the McCarthys write. This, however, is not the case. “There are loving couples who communicate feelings and work together in parenting yet are unable to transfer this caring and sharing to sexual function. Communication is necessary but not sufficient. To overcome sexual problems, you need to learn and practice sexual communication and psychosexual skills.”

These skills can be learned through the techniques and exercises the McCarthys offer throughout the book. Naturally, by experimenting with these exercises, couples can begin to develop heightened sexual awareness and intimacy.

Whether it is explaining the importance of “afterplay,” or detailing the intercourse traps couples can fall into, the McCarthys continually submit comforting, reassuring wisdom: no person or couple is in this alone. Through open communication, as well as an open mind, couples can make sex work for them. Yes, some problems are bigger than others, but, as some might say, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Sexual Awareness: Your Guide to Healthy Couple Sexuality
By Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy
Routledge (5th edition): March 19, 2012
Paperback, 263 pages
$19.95