What follows is a brief tour through the world of marital sexuality with a focus on how to understand the issues and strategies to repair the damage.

Gender and Physiology

Men and women are different. While these differences get debated in some circles, when it comes to sex, they are real and very clear. Unfortunately many couples fail to reflect on these differences and integrate them into an understanding of how to be successful partners.

Start with arousal patterns. Men are quick to be aroused and relatively quick to achieve orgasm. The “spike” rises sharply and drops off just as sharply. Men are especially aroused visually; brain research documents this. So looking at other women, at magazines, videos, and online pornography play a much bigger role in the sexual life of men.

Women are aroused more slowly and after achieving orgasm, tend to remain at a high plateau of arousal before dropping off. These are very different physiological patterns. No wonder it is a challenge for couples to really experience mutual satisfaction. These differences must not be ignored; instead they must be incorporated into the lovemaking process.

The simplest way to do this is, regardless of who initiates the foreplay, is for men to focus on pleasuring their wives, bringing them to an initial orgasm before focus is given to bringing the male to orgasm. It is also critical for men to understand what will help their wives achieve orgasm. While clitoral stimulation is usually a key component, many women still “get off” on intercourse, especially if the angle is such that it also stimulates the clitoris or that clitoral stimulation is being done manually by either partner during intercourse.

It is also important to understand the psychological implications of the different genital anatomies. For men, sexual intercourse is an external act. This has evolutionary implications about the need for prehistoric men to “seed” many partners in order to insure survival of the species. It is part of what allows men to more easily separate sex from love. But, for a woman, to have intercourse means allowing a man to enter her body. That is a deeply personal act and men need to appreciate this. It is why women complain about the need for emotional intimacy before they can be sexually active. Combine this with the difference in arousal patterns and it becomes much easier to understand why it is so important for women to experience meaningful foreplay.

Yet there is a trap here for women that becomes a key issue for so many of the couples who come to see me. When couples are struggling, women insist on emotional safety and closeness in order to be actively sexual. That creates a prohibitive barrier to improving the marital relationship, since the lack of sex, especially for men, but a lot more for women than they recognize, is one of the central underlying problems in not resolving their issues. Women act as if sex is still a process of servicing men and often deny that they are sexual beings who need to be serviced at least as much if not more. While some female readers may be dismissing this because it is being written by a male author, this concept is a central theme in books written by some of the best known female professionals in marital work such as Betty Carter, Ellen Wachtel, and Susan Scantling.

Women need to have sex! For themselves! So it is important to overcome the excuse of emotional disconnection and have sex with your husbands as frequently as possible. It will allow BOTH partners to feel closer and create a more intimate context in which to resolve other issues. I am, of course, not suggesting that this can happen in relationships that are verbally and, especially, physically abusive.

Every couple has experience with friends.  In some cases, the couple’s mutual friends introduced them.  In other cases, the couple met another couple and became friends.  In all cases, there are friends that one partner likes and the other does not.  Two Plus Two examines these couple relationships in depth.  Drs. Greif and Deal note that it is important for the individual to have friends, but that it is also important for a couple to have friends.  Just as friends enrich our individual lives, friendships with other couples may enrich the lives of the two halves of the partnership.

Two Plus Two examines several real-life heterosexual couples ages 21 and up who have been committed for at least a year.  The study also included 58 people who had divorced.  The study found that people can be classified on a spectrum of how likely that person is to seek and make friends.  There are people who actively seek friendships and have many friends.  There are also people who have very few friends and are still happy.  Of course, there are also people everywhere in between.

In the context of a couple relationship (that is, two couples being friends), there will inevitably be the male half of one couple interacting with the female half of the other.  One would think that this often raises suspicions between the couples.  The opposite, however, is true.  Two Plus Two found that each member of a couple is completely trusting of the other member with the members of their couple friends.  There was very little, if any, sexual tension among the people involved.

I enjoyed reading Two Plus Two.  As I mentioned earlier, the authors made it easy for anyone to understand.  Also, even though the study focused on heterosexual couples, I can testify that the same rules and principles presented in the book apply to homosexual couples.  Overall, Two Plus Two is a refreshing look into what makes people tick.  Friendships help us to grow as individuals so that we may be good partners.  Couple relationships help our partnerships grow so they may become lifelong fulfillments of our deepest desires.

Without a doubt, I would recommend Two Plus Two to anyone looking to better understand themselves, their partner, or their relationships with other people.  It certainly helped me resolve some issues in my love life and aided me in concluding that my partner and I were simply incompatible on the most fundamental of levels—he wanted to actively seek out new friends, and I am perfectly happy having a few close friends.  Two Plus Two is absolutely a book that will teach you more about yourself and your partner than you probably cared to know.

Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships
By Geoffrey L. Greif and Kathleen Holtz Deal
Routledge: January 10, 2012
Paperback, 231 pages
$23.95

The McCarthys state their aim in the book’s introduction:

[This book] is designed to help people—especially married and serious couples—enhance sexual awareness, communication, feelings, and function… Our goal is to increase sexual awareness and acceptance, which lead to the new mantra for healthy couple sexuality: enhanced desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction.

The McCarthys, though, are quick to caution that the book “is not do-it-yourself sex therapy” and “is not a substitute for therapy.”

What the book offers, however, are techniques, exercises and information that can aid “healthy couple sexuality.” Nothing is meant to be a panacea. The book can help fix myriad problems, but if there is true psychological unrest at the root of the couple’s struggle, then actual couples therapy might be the prudent approach. That said, for more acute problems, as well as for enhancing a sexual relationship, Sexual Awareness is a golden resource.

A nice update that clearly was possible in the book’s original publication are the topic of sex addiction and Internet pornography. The McCarthys write:

It is crucial to recognize that a minority of men (fewer than one in five) do misuse porn in a manner that subverts healthy sexuality for themselves and their intimate relationship. In that situation, the compulsive, addictive use of Internet porn must be confronted and changed because it is destructive for both individual and couple sexuality.

One of the key problems the McCarthys point to is that when most men masturbate they are orgasm-driven. That is, they do not take in the whole experience, so to speak. It is a mindless act used as a means to an end. Not only is this mindset unhealthy, but it can also lead to “goal-oriented sex performance.” As the McCarthys point out, sex between a couple should not necessarily be about reaching orgasm; there should not necessarily be an established goal.

Couples, instead, need to be, to use the book’s term, aware of what is occurring. There needs to be a greater degree of mindfulness during sex. The McCarthys write: “So much sexual activity is goal-oriented and intercourse-oriented that sensual and sexual awareness is inhibited by the rush to intercourse and orgasm.” They continue: “Intercourse is not the only means of sexual expression, nor does sex equal intercourse.”

A reoccurring theme in Sexual Awareness is that what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. And by extension, what is right for one couple is not necessarily right for another. In a healthy sexual relationship, the partners must work together. Not only must there be open lines of communication, but there must also be a willingness to err.

“There is a romantic myth that if you are in love and communicate, sex always works well,” the McCarthys write. This, however, is not the case. “There are loving couples who communicate feelings and work together in parenting yet are unable to transfer this caring and sharing to sexual function. Communication is necessary but not sufficient. To overcome sexual problems, you need to learn and practice sexual communication and psychosexual skills.”

These skills can be learned through the techniques and exercises the McCarthys offer throughout the book. Naturally, by experimenting with these exercises, couples can begin to develop heightened sexual awareness and intimacy.

Whether it is explaining the importance of “afterplay,” or detailing the intercourse traps couples can fall into, the McCarthys continually submit comforting, reassuring wisdom: no person or couple is in this alone. Through open communication, as well as an open mind, couples can make sex work for them. Yes, some problems are bigger than others, but, as some might say, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Sexual Awareness: Your Guide to Healthy Couple Sexuality
By Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy
Routledge (5th edition): March 19, 2012
Paperback, 263 pages
$19.95

Why is it that we don’t act to change patterns, even when we promise to do so and it is obviously in our best interest? A good example of this seemingly illogical phenomenon comes from therapy. We invest time and money in counseling but then, even when we agree with the given recommendations or homework assignments, neglect to follow through.

Often it takes repeated failures for us to figure out that something is awry and more is needed than willpower or good intentions. In many situations, we never even question whether the person we are trying to help is actually on board as a true ally in the work, though this is often the key issue.

Michael’s therapist had been seeing him and his wife in marital therapy. When they met privately, it became clear that he had again failed to follow through on homework that he had agreed would help improve his marriage. This was curious, given his motivation and genuine desire to be closer with his wife. His progress had not been a problem before, particularly because his wife had been very rejecting and critical of him for years. She was the one who needed to change first in order for the marriage to go forward. She had since worked hard to make those changes and was, in fact, sustaining the relationship. But now Michael was causing a stalemate.

Michael explained that he was “forgetting” to do the assignments. Though at first this sounded like an excuse, it actually was not implausible — Michael was somewhat forgetful in general. Further, given his limited experience and lack of comfort with emotional expression and connection, the changes he needed to make were not natural to him and required conscious thought and effort. However, this is true with most change.

In this case, Michael was asked to state aloud to his wife positive feelings about what she was saying, doing, or how she looked. This assignment required him to notice and make explicit his own feelings and feelings about her. Though he could retrospectively report having positive feelings toward her at various times throughout the week, these internal experiences were often not “on his radar screen” or easy to make explicit.

Making a Commitment to Change

Michael was a highly successful entrepreneur and a man of integrity. To have reached such a prominent position in his career, he must have figured out how to remember and follow through on difficult matters. But why couldn’t he do the same in his private life?

Michael had a ready answer to this question, and knowingly described how he did it. The most important part was that he would make a firm commitment, and then later remind himself explicitly by thinking about it and planning the details. Once he did that, success in following through was guaranteed.

Michael’s resistance to change — which took the form of a lack of commitment to his therapy assignments — was surprising, and had been well hidden. He did not seem to be struggling with anger or resentment, the most common reasons for couples’ underlying resistance. Anger and resentment often express themselves as resistance to moving forward through passive-aggressive acting out. Then, disowned anger or resentment spills out unconsciously and symptoms such as “forgetting” occur. However, Michael did not seem to be harboring resentment or acting out. He also seemed fully engaged and motivated in the treatment.

As sessions probed Michael’s failure to commit to therapy and the work required to improve his marriage, he talked about feeling hopeless that his marriage would work out in the end. He feared that it would not and seemed to be preparing himself for the inevitable. Believing that his actions would not have an effect on the marriage was a familiar feeling for Michael. A central dynamic in his relationship with his wife was that he felt invisible, dismissed, and devalued. This dynamic accumulated, leading him to feel defeated and give up (though this was unconscious), despite his wife having made changes.

Wives and husbands are pleading that they are so overwhelmed with the demands of work and children that they simply can’t create any space to share intimate moments with their partner. The result is often an increasing sense of disconnection that gets expressed as problems with communication, disagreements over finances, parenting conflicts, or insufficient sex.

But the latter are typically symptoms, not causes.

By improving the sense of connection, feelings of trust and mutual respect typically increase. Once those cornerstones are in place, it’s remarkable how much easier it becomes to resolve conflicts of any nature. In Wallerstein and Blakeslee’s wonderful book, “The Good Marriage” (1995), they note “For everyone [in their research group], happiness in a marriage meant feeling respected and cherished.” Gets right to the heart of the matter (pun intended)!

In trying to help couples reverse this downward spiral, I start by reminding them that if they constantly put their marriage at the end of their “To Do” lists, assuming that there will always be another day to attend to their spouses’ needs, one day they will be shocked to discover that there are no more days.

One of them will be saying “I don’t love you anymore and I want out.” This means that couples must truly make their marriage a priority, not simply in words or feelings, but in deeds. In today’s world of PDAs, Blackberrys, and other forms of keeping schedules, this means actually scheduling time for the marriage rather than expecting time shared will just happen.

My second key point, for couples who have children, is that the most important gift they can give their children is a healthy marriage. When marriages are working well, families function better. Children will not only find that their lives run more smoothly because their parents are in sync but research shows they will have fewer medical problems, presumably because there is less chronic stress in the home. An added benefit is that a good marriage models for children what they need to learn for the day when they are married.

Since a healthy marriage is such an important gift for your children, parents need to feel comfortable with the idea of taking some of the excess time currently devoted to parenting and investing it in the marriage. (“Excess time” is the fallout from parents trying too hard to create “perfect children” when children really need only “good enough” parenting, an issue covered in many of my previous articles.)

With these key points in mind, let us look at some strategies to create a more intimate and rewarding marriage:

Try to follow this prescription:

• Schedule 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation each day
• Schedule at least one long conversation (1 to 1 1/2 hrs.) each week
• Schedule at least one overnight just for yourselves every 2 months
• Schedule at least two weekends just for yourselves each year

This may take some creativity. It also takes a mutual commitment. But the payoff is enormous.

To make the daily/weekly conversations happen requires some joint planning time. Get out your calendars, look at the week ahead and figure out when you can make time for each other. Don’t limit yourselves to evenings (usually the worst times for parents to try and talk without interruption or, worse, just when you are starting to crash). Depending upon ages of children and job demands, some couples are able to arrange breakfast alone for daily conversations or a lunch as a chance for a long conversation.

But when divorce does happen, it results in difficulties for adults as well as children. For adults, divorce can be one of life’s most stressful life events. The decision to divorce often is met with ambivalence and uncertainty about the future. If children are involved, they may experience negative effects such as denial, feelings of abandonment, anger, blame, guilt, preoccupation with reconciliation, and acting out.

While divorce may be necessary and the healthiest choice for some, others may wish to try to salvage whatever is left of the union. When couples encounter problems or issues, they may wonder when it is appropriate to seek marriage counseling. Here are seven good reasons.

1. Communication has become negative. Once communication has deteriorated, often it is hard to get it going back in the right direction. Negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling depressed, insecure, disregarded, or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. This can also include the tone of the conversation. It is important to remember that it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

Negative communication can also include any communication that not only leads to hurt feelings, but emotional or physical abuse, as well as nonverbal communication.

2. When one or both partners consider having an affair, or one partner has had an affair. Recovering from an affair is not impossible, but it takes a lot of work. It takes commitment and a willingness to forgive and move forward. There is no magic formula for recovering from an affair. But if both individuals are committed to the therapy process and are being honest, the marriage may be salvaged. At the very least, it may be determined that it is healthier for both individuals to move on.

3. When the couple seems to be “just occupying the same space.” When couples become more like roommates than a married couple, this may indicate a need for counseling. This does not mean if the couple isn’t doing everything together they are in trouble. If there is a lack of communication, conversation and intimacy or any other elements the couple feels are important and they feel they just “co-exist,” this may be an indication that a skilled clinician can help sort out what is missing and how to get it back.

4. When the partners do not know how to resolve their differences. I remember watching GI Joe as a kid. Every show ended with the phrase “now you know, and knowing is half the battle.” For me, that phrase comes to mind with this situation. When a couple begins to experience discord and they are aware of the discord, knowing is only half the battle. Many times I have heard couples say, “We know what’s wrong, but we just don’t know how to fix it.”. This is a perfect time to get a third party involved. If a couple is stuck, a skilled clinician may be able to get them moving in the right direction.

5. When one partner begins to act out on negative feelings. I believe what we feel on the inside shows on the outside. Even if we are able to mask these feelings for a while, they are bound to surface. Negative feelings such as resentment or disappointment can turn into hurtful, sometimes harmful behaviors. I can recall a couple where the wife was very hurt by her husband’s indiscretions. Although she agreed to stay in the relationship and work things out, she became very spiteful. The wife would purposefully do things to make her husband think she was being unfaithful even though she wasn’t. She wanted her husband to feel the same pain she felt, which was counterproductive. A skilled clinician can help the couple sort out negative feelings and find better ways to express them.

6. When the only resolution appears to be separation. When a couple disagrees or argues, a break often is very helpful. However, when a timeout turns into an overnight stay away from home or eventually leads to a temporary separation, this may indicate a need for counseling. Spending time away from home does not usually resolve the situation. Instead, it reinforces the thought that time away is helpful, often leading to more absences. When the absent partner returns, the problem is still there, but often avoided because time has passed.

7. When a couple is staying together for the sake of the children. If a couple feels it is wise to stay together for the sake of the children, it may help to involve an objective third party. Often couples believe that they are doing the right thing when staying together actually is detrimental to the children. On the contrary, if the couple is able to resolve issue and move toward a positive, healthy relationship, this may be the best decision for all involved.

In my opinion, children should never be the deciding factor when couples are determining whether to stay together. I recall working with an adolescent who was having trouble in school. She was acting out and her grades were declining. After a few sessions she stated, “I know my parents really don’t like each other.” When I asked her why, she replied, “They are nice to each other, but they never smile or laugh like my friends’ parents.”

Children are generally very intuitive and intelligent. No matter how couples may think they are able to fake their happiness, most children are able to tell.

All marriages are not salvageable. In the process of marriage counseling, some couples may discover it is healthier for them to be apart. However, for those relationships that can be salvaged, and for those couples willing to commit to the process, marriage counseling may be able to remind them why they fell in love and keep them that way.

It is estimated that three to six percent of the general U.S. population suffers from some form of addictive sexual behavior with self or others. However, the current lack of a universally recognizable clinical diagnosis — combined with a dearth of publicly funded research and ongoing cultural shame and stigma regarding sexual disorders in general — likely prevent many more individuals from identifying the problem and seeking help.

Traditionally, the majority of inpatient and outpatient sexual addiction patients (approximately 85 percent) have been adult males. However, there is growing awareness that women also struggle with the disorder and they, too, are seeking help in increasing numbers.

Typical Sex Addict Behaviors

Below is a brief overview of common behaviors exhibited by active sexual addicts:

• Compulsive masturbation with or without pornography
• Ongoing abuse of soft- and hard-core porn
• Multiple affairs and brief “serial” relationships
• Attending strip clubs, adult bookstores and similar sex-focused environments
• Prostitution, or use of prostitutes and “sensual” massage
• Compulsive use of cybersex
• Ongoing anonymous sexual hookups with people met online or in person
• Repeated patterns of unsafe sex
• Seeking sexual experiences without regard to the immediate or long-term consequences
• Exhibitionism or voyeurism

What Is Sex Addiction Like?

For active sex addicts, the sexual experience itself can, over time, become less tied to pleasure and more to feelings of relief or escape. Healthy, pleasurable, life-affirming experiences become tied to obsession, secrecy and shame.

Sex addicts abuse sexual fantasy – even in the absence of sexual acts or orgasm – to produce the intense, trance-like feelings that temporarily provide emotional detachment and dissociation from life stressors. Research suggests that these feelings, often described as being in “the bubble” or “a trance,” are the result of the neurochemical process induced by a fantasy-based release of adrenaline, dopamine, endorphins and serotonin, not dissimilar to a “fight or flight” response.

Over time, the hidden fantasies, rituals and acts of the sexually addicted person can lead to a double life of lies to self and others, manipulation, splitting, rationalization, and denial. These defenses allow sex addicts temporarily to escape their core feelings of low self-worth, fears of abandonment and depression or anxiety, as sexual fantasy and sexual acts are abused in an attempt to fulfill unmet emotional needs.

For the sex addict, sexual acting out most often takes place in secret, against a background of social isolation, and absent genuine, intimate relatedness. The problem can occur regardless of outward success, intelligence, physical attractiveness, or existing intimate relationship commitments or marriage.

Similar to the criteria for other addictive disorders, sexual addiction is characterized by:

• Loss of control over sexual thoughts and behaviors
• Escalation in frequency and intensity of sexual activities
• Negative consequences resulting from sexual behaviors
• Losing significant amounts of time as well as interest in other activities as a result of pursuing or engaging in sexual activities
• Irritability, defensiveness or anger when trying to stop a particular sexual behavior

By definition, this adult obsessive pattern of thoughts and behaviors will continue despite:

• Attempts made to self-correct problematic sexual behavior
• Promises made to self and others toward sexual behavior change
• Significant, directly related negative life consequences in life and relationship stability, emotional and physical health concerns, or career and legal problems.

Sexual addiction can be considered a process addiction (as opposed to substance addictions such as drugs and alcohol), similar to gambling, binge eating or compulsive spending. As such, sexual addicts typically spend a much greater amount of time engaged in the pursuit of sex and romance (the process) than in the sexual act itself. They are addicted to the neurochemical and dissociative high produced by their intense sexual fantasy life and ritualistic behavior. This is their addiction.

What Sexual Addiction Is Not

The diagnosis of sexual addiction is not necessarily made if an individual engages in fetishistic or paraphillic sexual arousal patterns (e.g., BDSM, cross-dressing), even if these behaviors lead the individual to keep sexual secrets or feel shame, distress or “out of control.” Unwanted homosexual or bisexual arousal patterns also are not considered sex addiction per se. Sexual addiction is not defined by what or who the individual finds arousing, but rather by self- and other-objectified, repetitive patterns of sexual behavior utilized to stabilize distress and to manage emotional triggers.

In simple terms, most people don’t consistently utilize sexual arousal as a means of “feeling better” when having a bad day. Healthy people reach out to friends and intimate others for support when upset and also demonstrate a greater ability to self-soothe and tolerate emotional stressors than do sexual addicts.

Differential Diagnosis and Comorbidity

Sexual addiction can be viewed as an adaptive attempt to regulate mood and tolerate stressors through the abuse of intensely stimulating sexual fantasy and behavior. It is believed that sexual addiction is a dysfunctional adult response to innate personality, character or emotional regulatory deficits, as well as a reaction to early attachment disorders, abuse and trauma.

In order for the diagnosis of sex addiction to be made, professionals must first rule out concurrent drug abuse, as well as those major mental health disorders that also include hypersexuality as a symptom. Examples of these include bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and adult attention deficit disorder, all of which have hypersexual or impulsive sexual behavior as a potential symptom. Some individuals may have both a major mental disorder and sexual addiction, both of which need to be addressed, much as one might be both alcoholic and bipolar.

Why Seek Treatment?

Many sex addicts seek treatment for sexual addiction only after suffering significant consequences to their health, career, finances and relationships. Most men report initially seeking sexual addiction treatment to find relief and help with related negative life consequences such as pending relationship, legal or interpersonal crises, or threats of divorce or abandonment by a spouse or partner. Overt negative consequences related to sexual behavior, such as job loss and arrest, also drive individuals to seek treatment.

A Diagnosis?

While not yet fully acknowledged as a legitimate mental health disorder in the clinical literature (reportedly due to a lack of research study), sexual addiction and hypersexuality nevertheless is becoming identified in the public consciousness as a legitimate neuropsychobiological disorder. This slow shift in consciousness regarding this disorder is largely due to the escalation of technology-driven sexual problems, the growth of international sexual recovery 12-step groups, evolving research study data, as well as the term “sex addiction” being consistently referenced in relationship to the highly publicized problem sexual behaviors of certain major U.S. political, entertainment and sports figures.

This very short book,Tragic Beauty by Arlene Diane Landau, analyzes this archetypical personality in great detail. She illustrates how a life built on sex, wealth, fame, and beauty results in disillusionment, disastrous marriages, drug abuse, prostitution, and even early death.

Landau writes from a personal and professional point of view, having begun her career as a Hollywood dancer, model, actor, and movie extra. Everyone from Playboy to Elvis wanted to be with her. What seemed like a fantasy life brought Landau total misery.

“At the time I did not know the words for what I was feeling and experiencing,” she writes. “I was suffering from a profound sense of emptiness over a lack of meaning in my life.” Then she discovered Jungian analysis and the power of interpreting dreams, which opened up a new and more positive pathway in her life. She headed back to college and became a Jungian analyst.

Landau devotes about a third of her book to defining the Aphrodite type, giving examples from literature (Madame Bovary), film (Gloria in Butterfield 8), and celebrities (Princess Diana, Marilyn Chambers, and all the usual suspects). From there, she explores Greek mythology, giving long and complicated genealogical histories of gods and goddesses–not just Aphrodite, but seemingly everyone on Mount Olympus. Frankly, I wanted to skim this section because it’s rather academic and tedious, full of names and complicated liaisons that boggle the mind and don’t seem related to the book’s mission: creating balance for Aphrodite types.

Past this, though, the book gains momentum, focusing on Jungian philosophy related to archetypes, and here I think Landau shines as she digs into her main point. “Jung’s theory of archetypes, which he formulated in the early part of the twentieth century, provides a means of uniting the multitudes of images produced in myth, religion, all forms of art, dreams, fantasy–in short, all forms of human creativity–into broad categories that facilitate understanding of the entire image-making process,” she writes.

In fact, Jung considered archetypes to be embedded in our unconsciousness, “a spiritual goal toward which the whole nature of man strives; it is the sea to which all rivers wind their way, the prize which the hero wrest from the fight with the dragon,” Jung wrote. Slaying monsters and great beasts is as old as time, part of human’s great psychology and storytelling, as is Aphrodite and her archetypical sisters, Athena (warrior), Artemis (adventurer), and Hestia (homemaker).

In essence, “archetypes appear as myths, though…have been modified by the individual unconsciousness of the artist or story,” writes Landau. “Myths reveal the nature of the human soul.” In other words, archetypes are primordial aspects of human nature, what Jung calls our collective unconscious and “contains the whole spiritual heritage of mankind’s evolution, born anew in the brain structure of every individual.” Blame Hollywood for our lustful desires, but blame should be placed on our natural psyche.

According to Landau, the Aphrodite woman is so unbalanced, edging toward borderline personality, that she needs to find balance–more Athena or more Artemis or other characteristics that will round out her personality. The author devotes an entire chapter to cases where she has helped Aphrodite women search within themselves by exploring and analyzing their dreams. Delving into the unconscious in this way has opened up many of Landau’s clients to new ways of looking at themselves and their lives.

I wish more of the book had been devoted to this and the focus directed a little more on how women can achieve more balance or derive meaning from their dreams in order to better themselves. Landau does address this, but it is buried beneath a lot of extraneous material that probably could have been trimmed back with the help of a good editor.

Certainly there are plenty of Aphrodites out there who can use a serious consciousness awakening and will likely find this book helpful. As Jung writes, “If a woman of this type remains unconscious of the meaning of her function…she will herself perish by the sword she brings. But consciousness transforms her into a deliverer and redeemer.”

Tragic Beauty: The Dark Side of Venus Aphrodite and the Loss and Regeneration of the Soul
By Arlene Diane Landau
Spring Journal Books: December 1, 2011
Softcover, 118 pages
$22.95

No one seems to talk about the quiet but significant fact that we parent our adult children much longer than those “developmental years” that hundreds of books focus on. Try standing in front of the child-care section in one of the giant book stores and look for help with the challenges that start with college and continue on for decades. There’s not much there.

Yet the issues we start to deal with suddenly make those early concerns seem almost trivial. Questions about relationships and career and their own families — questions that have such incredible impact on how they are REALLY going to live out their lives — not just the imaginary ones we had in our minds when we thought we were shaping their destinies at 5, 10 or even 15 years of age.

Okay, this phone call may not really be destiny-shaping but it certainly got our attention. “Mom, is it OK if Jennifer comes home with me during the break?” Jennifer has been his girlfriend since November. We’ve heard a lot about her and immediately felt pleased that Scott wanted us to meet her.

“Sure Scott, that sounds great.” We looked forward to a very new experience. Then, while preparing the guest room, it hit me. We suspected they had been sexually active. Despite attempts to talk more openly about sex in the past, we still found it difficult to do more than occasionally remind him about the importance of safe sex. Were Scott and Jennifer planning on having sex in our home?

My immediate reaction was “Absolutely not!” Then we began to struggle with a number of issues.

We didn’t and couldn’t prevent their sexual relationship at school. Is it hypocritical to insist on no sex while they are here? What if they want to share a room? What if they simply sneak off together each night regardless of having Jennifer in the guest room? Then we started remembering our own days at college. Ouch. We did some things we’ve never told the kids about. What rules?! Didn’t we turn out OK? Do we expect something different from our children? I thought we’d gotten past the tough part.

Baby Boomers parenting adult children. On the one hand, we have an advantage. There is less of a gap between our youth and our children’s lives than we experienced with our own parents. At least it can be an advantage. It depends on how you feel about what happened and whether it allowed you to build a closer relationship along the way. But, it can work against you if you assume too much (that is, if you think you know what your child needs and wants simply based on your own memories instead of really listening).

Scott’s college life has not been a reincarnation of the late ’60s-early ’70s. College’s have reinvented themselves again, increasingly establishing more rules after a few decades of constantly increasing student freedom. But, not all was lost – sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll are still woven into the fabric of college life.

Basic parenting skills still apply. What worked during the adolescent years at home? Getting issues out on the table and learning good negotiation skills. Not being afraid to discuss tough topics but showing a respect for the ideas of your budding adult child. Striving for win-win solutions, instead of being overly authoritarian or easily intimidated. Well, surprise, surprise, the same principles still apply. The key change is learning to treat your adult child with a little more emphasis on the “adult” side and seeing yourself increasingly as a guide rather than a controller. Nevertheless, there are still times when a firm reply is needed.

It is our home and we do have a responsibility for what happens here. We called Scott and broached the issue because we didn’t want the kids to arrive with erroneous expectations and have Jennifer caught in an uncomfortable family conflict on her first visit. Scott surprised us by saying he didn’t expect we would allow them to share a bedroom. Relief! But we avoided any further discussion of what might happen between the two of them. That was wrong. It’s still so hard to discuss sex. We hoped the kids would be discreet and if not, then we would say something.

We were also surprised to realize our post-modern thinking quickly went down the drain. Double-standards live. This was a young woman coming to our house as a guest and we wanted to talk to her parents about the visit. We felt a sense of responsibility for having someone’s daughter staying in our home. We doubted if we would have done the same if it were a male guest of our daughter.

Scott resisted strongly at first because Jennifer’s parents were divorced and we were likely to get caught in some of the continued tensions between her parents. In fact, that was part of why she wanted to come here for the week, to escape from those tensions. Since Scott had shared Jennifer’s concerns about this, we asked to talk with her directly and that helped immensely. She explained a little about the problems at home and seemed reassured that we were sensitive and understanding. It was decided that we would only talk to her mother since Jennifer primarily lived with her and they had a good relationship.

Jennifer’s mom was very pleased that we called. We said we wanted to “meet” since her daughter would be staying at our house. We never actually raised the question of sleeping arrangements or rules about sex.

Jennifer’s mother had met Scott on a visit to the college and told us she thought he was such a “nice young man” that we had to be good parents. So she was very comfortable with Jennifer coming to visit us, even though she would miss not having her home for the vacation. The positive mood of our conversation left us much more relaxed about the situation.

We were fortunate not to encounter a parent who was expressing concerns about her daughter’s welfare. That might have left us uncertain about how to handle the visit. This way we just set up the guest room for Jennifer and treated the children like young adults. Scott’s willingness to support our wish to talk to Jennifer and her mother made it easier to do that. If he had fought us on that issue, we might have ended up not agreeing to the visit.

Some final thoughts. Naturally, it’s easier to work out these new challenges if the groundwork has been laid during the years at home. But it is important, especially when those years might have had more conflict than most, to realize that when your child goes off to college, significant changes can begin to take place. As a parent, you must always be adapting to the different stages of your child’s life. Allow room for change, always try to listen first and respond second, and keep practicing good negotiation skills.

For Further Reading…

Get Out of My Life But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?, by A. Wolf, The Noonday Press, 1991.

Getting To Yes, by R. Fisher, W. Ury, and B. Patton, Penguin Books, 1991, 2nd Ed.

The Six Stages of Parenthood, by Ellen Galinsky, Addison-Wesley, 1987.

Through its holistic, compassionate approach, this valuable guide empowers with knowledge, instills with confidence and gives women a direction for finding doctors who are truly knowledgeable about their disorders and able to treat their pain.  As is read in its introduction, “This book is the product of our passionate belief that all women with sexual pain need both physical and emotional support.” 

Deborah Coady and Nancy Fish provide a detailed, empathic guide that that offers a wealth of physical and emotional suppport. I highly recommend Healing Painful Sex: A Woman’s Guide to Confronting, Diagnosing, and Treating Sexual Pain.

Millions of women suffer from sexual and pelvic pain in America today, yet it is frequently misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all.  Because of the multidisciplinary nature of sexual pain, which falls between the disciplines of experts, women have often been told that pain is “all in your head”  or that nothing can be done to help them.  As Coady and Fish point out, “We’re here to tell you that none of that is true.  Sexual pain is almost always caused by an identifiable, verifiable medical condition; it can be treated and is not in your head.” 

Nancy Fish had suffered from severe pelvic pain and had seen seven specialists before visiting Deborah Coady.  Coady, while having years of experience with women suffering from sexual pain, nonetheless took some time to uncover all of Fish’s difficulties.  Fish, like most women suffering from sexual pain, through inadequate treatment had several conditions that had compounded and spread.  A licensed certified social worker specializing in chronic illness, Fish found great hope in Coady’s insistence that she never give up on herself. She was inspired to form a partnership with Coady to help those with the chronic illness of sexual pain. 

Deborah Coady, through her personally developed teams of colleagues in neurology, dermatology, orthopedics, pain management, gastroenterology, urology, peripheral nerve surgery, physical therapy and psychotherapists, demonstrates in Healing Painful Sex how fruitful their holistic approach can be. As they write, “Even in your most difficult situations, you can experience a significant reduction in your pain and can find help for reintroducing sex as a joyous and nourishing part of your life.  We promise:  Things can get better.”

The book is organized into three parts. Part 1: Naming the Problem begins with the difficult situation of talking about sexual pain.  It helps the reader learn how to share her situation with one or two other people who can then help make medical decisions.  The book then discusses the often arrogant, uninformed or downright abusive physicians who exist.  As stated in the book, “The degree of incompetence, insensitivity, and indifference among gynecologists, other specialists, and general practitioners is hard to overstate.”  Hoping to aid their emotional healing along the way to ending their sexual pain, Coady and Fish outline the ways in which the reader can understand what to do when the doctors get it wrong. 

The first section of the book ends with a chapter dedicated to finding a doctor who will offer effective treatment and provides a detailed holistic guide on beginning one’s healing by following guidelines on pain, sleep hygiene, diet and supplements, exercise and relaxation techniques and learning of how to be gentle with oneself.

Part 2: Understanding the Problem, provides the reader nine chapters of detailed information covering the symptoms and conditions of pelvic floor dysfunction, vulvodynia, pudendal nerve pain, clitorodynia, pelvic organ problems, endometriosis, painful bladder, and irritable bowel syndrome, skin disorders, such as lichen sclerosis, and hormonal, surgical, and post-cancer causes of pain.  Interwoven with detailed explanations of the causes of sexual pain, the book contains full-page anatomical illustrations, checklists for particular disorders, and details on the types of tests needed as well as lists of the common misdiagnoses given for a disorder and ways to rule it out.  It contains details on how the various conditions can co-occur and affect one another.  It tells the potential patient of what to expect during an examination and offers guidance based on the doctor’s performance and recommendations.

Part 3: Overcoming the Problem presents valuable information and guidance devoted to fulfilling one’s life with the joys often taken away in sexual pain.  Coady and Fish hope to return libido, desire, partner intimacy, healthy relationships with friends and families to women undergoing sexual pain.  Their many personal case studies validate and underscore the valuable guidance they provide.  The book closes with excellent resources, including recommended books, helpful websites, psychotherapists, as well as relevant organizations and associations.

Healing Painful Sex: A Woman’s Guide to Confronting, Diagnosing, and Treating Sexual Pain
By Deborah Coady, MD & Nancy Fish, MSW, MPH
Seal Press: November 1, 2011
Paperback, 400 pages
$18

Whether it’s your first or fourth child, your relationship still sees a jolt. As Marter said, “The first child most often brings about the greatest life and relationship change, but each subsequent child affects a couple almost exponentially, widening the scope of responsibilities and compounding family and relationship dynamics.”

Having children can bring couples closer. But it also can chip away at a relationship if you’re unprepared for the potential pitfalls. Take this surprising statistic: Within three years of their child’s birth, about 70 percent of couples experience a significant slump in their relationship quality, according to the Gottman Relationship Institute.

The key in keeping a relationship happy and fulfilling is knowing what these pitfalls are, having realistic expectations and staying committed to each other. Below are three of the most common pitfalls and pointers to help.

Pitfall 1: Sleep deprivation

Everyone knows that having kids is exhausting. But you might not fully appreciate the fatigue. According to Marter, “the chronic and cumulative nature of sleep deprivation during the newborn phase is perhaps one of the most commonly underestimated challenges of new parenthood.”

Sleep deprivation sinks your mood, makes it harder to cope effectively with stress and exacerbates mood swings and anxiety. And that’s just what it does to each person.

Lack of sleep strains the relationship in various ways: Couples may fight about who’s doing more and sleeping less. Because couples are extra agitated and stressed, they might squabble more in general. And the primary caregiver may feel unsupported and alone and eventually resent their spouse, Marter said.

Pointers: Sleep when your baby sleeps, Marter said. “This may mean letting the laundry or scrapbooks wait and forcing yourself to nap. It might mean going to bed at 8 p.m., so that you can sleep during your baby’s longest stretch.”

What if your baby isn’t really sleeping? Marter suggested working with your pediatrician and reading other resources such as Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. If feedings are the reason your family isn’t getting much sleep, she also suggested checking out the La Leche League, and figuring out a feeding schedule that works best.

Ask loved ones for support and, if it’s financially feasible, hire help for household chores, a babysitter so you can take daytime naps or a night nanny, Marter said.

And work as a team. For instance, moms who are breastfeeding can pump so their partners or loved ones take turns doing the feedings.

Pitfall 2: Lack of intimacy

Sexual intimacy declines after having a baby, and not surprisingly, this can negatively affect your relationship. “Because sexuality is intensely personal and sexual connection is a major component of romantic relationships, sexual dysfunction or disconnection can become a significant problem for many couples,” Marter said.

The decline happens for many reasons. Physicians typically suggest that women abstain from intercourse for 4 to 6 weeks after childbirth. Even after that time, “women may experience or fear pain from intercourse due to the effects of delivery, an episiotomy, perineal tearing, and/or vaginal dryness due to hormone fluctuations,” Marter said. Couples also experience a decline in desire because of busy schedules, body image issues, fatigue and other concerns.

Pointers: Expect that intimacy will decline after childbirth. This is normal considering the sleep deprivation, new responsibilities and need for the woman’s body to heal, Marter said. Avoid viewing lack of sex as rejection or a sign of trouble in your relationship.

Be close and intimate in other ways, such as kissing, touching, snuggling or spooning, Marter said. Make time to physically connect with each other. Staying home and watching a movie is one way, she said.

“Good sex requires good communication.” Marter suggested talking openly about your needs, preferences and fantasies with your partner. These are some questions she suggested raising: “What is good about [your sex life]? When was it the best and why? What do you each desire? What schedule seems to work best for you? What gets in the way of having more sex?”

Also, work on your emotional connection. For instance, “Create at least 20 minutes per day to connect and talk about things other than the responsibilities with household and baby,” Marter said.

Pitfall 3: Responsibilities

In Marter’s practice, the most prevalent problem for couples is division of labor. Resentments inevitably peak when one partner feels like they’re tackling more tasks and working harder. “They may compare and become competitive or defensive about their responsibilities, schedules or the pros and cons of their work or role,” she said.

They also might glorify each other’s positions, Marter said. A stay-at-home dad might think his wife’s day at work is filled with swanky business lunches, interesting projects and a quiet commute, while he’s dealing with temper tantrums and dirty diapers. His wife might imagine him playing, cuddling and connecting with their child, while she deals with a difficult boss, endless deadlines and concerns over job security. “Then, when an issue like who is going to do the laundry comes up, the misunderstandings have created an environment ripe for conflict,” she said.

One of the problems is that couples usually don’t have a plan for how they’re going to divvy up responsibilities. Marter finds that many couples make assumptions about who’ll do what — often based on how their parents did things — which typically leads to confusion and conflict.

Pointers: Map out what your routine and responsibilities will look like, Marter said. And make sure it’s fair to both partners. Again, couples get into trouble when responsibilities are vague. One of Marter’s clients wanted her husband to help out in the mornings, but the couple ended up bickering instead. “By sitting down and reviewing the mornings tasks, the husband was able to select several items that his wife agreed would be helpful for him to manage,” she said.

When you’re figuring out fairness, remember that a relationship requires give and take. “For example, the husband of a client who is a teacher really steps it up during her grading periods and she picks up the slack when he travels for work,” Marter said.

Also, lower your standards, and let some things go. Another client of Marter’s, who was super stressed and worn out, used to iron all her baby’s clothes. Of course, getting enough sleep supersedes ironing. “Focus on the big things and let the small stuff go,” Marter said.

“The transition to family is simultaneously joyous, miraculous and wondrous and one of the most challenging life experiences and opportunities for growth,” Marter said. It helps for couples to have realistic expectations about parenthood and their relationship and to remain committed to working as a team.

Dr. Jung starts out by explaining the vast impact of sexual trauma.  He states that about “20-25% of girls and 10-15% of boys experience some form of sexual trauma before the age of 18.”  This is quite a large number if you stop to think about it.  In addition, we must consider the ripple effect of sexual trauma; the victim is unlikely to go on with life in the same manner so the people they associate with may be affected as well.  An interesting point is the financial aspect of these numbers.  He quotes a study performed by the National Institute of Health that shows a strong correlation between PTSD and sexual trauma.  Given the correlation, the study states that PTSD is associated with almost the highest rate of service use and may be the highest per-capita cost of all mental illnesses.

Dr. Jung’s discussion of historical and cultural figures and the impact sexual trauma had on their lives is quite interesting.  Overcoming such an obstacle, many were able to build an empire, so to speak.  Oprah Winfrey is one of the examples that he uses.  She has become an international icon over the years, reaching out to people with her television show, magazine, website, and now, her own TV network.  Even though she experienced sexual trauma as a child and had a very troubling past growing up, she was able to overcome her challenges and create a life of entrepreneurial endeavors, inspiration, and creativity.  His use of these famous characters is to provide an illustration of what he believes is the “astounding creativity and tremendous sensitivity” that victims may gain from the experience of sexual trauma.

The anecdotes of his own patients are a more personal approach to the face of a sexual trauma victim.  Jung describes the variety of symptoms that his patients suffered, typically providing one story for each of the forms of PTSD that he discusses.  The stories can get graphic as the patients relive the trauma they endured.  He couples the stories with letters written by patients, which give a direct view into the mind of the victim.  For instance, one letter was written by a patient that was molested by a priest.  The letter describes the emotional turmoil that the patient experienced.  The letter recounts the molestation, explains how he does not trust anyone, and harbors anger toward his ex-wife.  He goes on to say, “Somebody has to pay.  The smell, the texture, the taste in my mouth that has haunted my life…  I need to be vindicated.”  This is just one of the many stories shared by Dr. Jung.

After building this foundation for understanding the victim, Dr. Jung begins the arduous task of explaining the therapeutic process for victims.  From the crisis intervention to reliving their trauma, the healing process for a victim is often a bumpy road.  He explains the patience and understanding required of a therapist to assist a victim along the way.  He states:

It is important to recognize that there is no one word of wisdom, one magical advice or one great medication that will cure this vast, complex, human condition, for it is from the violation of one of the most personal, sacred and vulnerable foundations of human existence.

An important note that Dr. Jung addresses is that there is no complete resolution of sexual trauma; he likens this to how there is no perfect person.  This is something certainly that must be discussed between therapist and patient to assure that the expectations of the outcomes are realistic.  He continues this discussion in Chapter 5, which focuses more on the various medications, which may help patients deal with various symptoms of PTSD.

Finally, Dr. Jung rounds out Sexual Trauma with a section filled with advice to physicians, therapists, patients and parents.  He does make note that every patient is different; therefore, the advice is not a textbook manual for every case.  They are merely suggestions, which can be used to “acquire some sense of direction and to work through the challenges of the therapy process.”

Sexual Trauma is undeniably a strong text, which outlines a promising therapeutic approach to sexual trauma and PTSD.  I believe that it is a great resource for therapists and physicians.  For victims of sexual trauma, it may provide comfort and give them hope that there is a path to recovery. 

However, I do believe there are two drawbacks to the book that need mentioning.  First, I feel as though much of the focus is on the story telling of patients and famous sexual trauma victims rather than the actual therapeutic process.  Perhaps more explanations or descriptions of the steps involved in his process could have made this section more enlightening.  For instance, when discussing the process of transference, it is unclear how Dr. Jung would resolve this part of the therapy.  Rather, he merely gives examples of transference that he has experienced with patients and advises therapists to “be very giving, and generous of his or her time, attention and self, to allow the transference to occur unimpeded.”

Second, I regretfully must admit that the text is difficult to get through.  The content of Dr. Jung’s book is useful, informative, and interesting.  However, it is painfully obvious that the book was not edited well, or even at all.  There are errors throughout the text and grammar, spelling and style errors.  Specifically, the section on Marilyn Monroe was so atrocious I had to put the book away because of my frustration.  At times, the writing was so poor that I had to ponder the message that Dr. Jung was attempting to deliver.  It is truly a shame his message is so poorly delivered.

Sexual Trauma: A Challenge Not Insanity
By K. Elan Jung, MD
Hudson Press: 2010
Hardcover, 660 pages
$19.99

Collins, a former sex addict, is founder and director of Compulsion Solutions, an outpatient counseling service in the San Francisco Bay Area specializing in the treatment of men suffering from sexually compulsive behavior.  He is recognized as an expert on sexually compulsive behavior.  I find his book to be an excellent guide on ending sex addiction as it provides techniques that give intimacy to the reader’s true self and thus intimacy with others.

While Collins specializes in the counseling of sexually addictive men, his clients have included people of all sexual orientations.  For the sake of simplicity, his book is directed to heterosexual males, but as he points out, his techniques work for almost anyone.  As Collins notes, the ideas underlying his techniques can be applied with any sort of addictive behavior.  Early on, Collins points out a crucial fact about addiction, “ . . . that you can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy you! Objectifying and sexualizing people is a never-ending, negative process that yields a few minutes of excitement, a brief orgasm, then hours, days, weeks, months, and years of fear, pain, shame, self-doubt, self-criticism, judgement, and anger.”  Collins provides a collection of methods that support each other by challenging both the addiction as well as those inner voices that give rise to these negative feelings.

Collins forms the basis of his techniques as the differentiation between an individual’s true essence and the repetitive stories that the individual’s mind tells. These inner voices, or subpersonalities, Collins notes, are a normal part of the human psyche that shape the perception of oneself.  Since, however, they are not the essence of an individual’s true nature, they can be changed.  Collins quotes Eckhart Tolle, in The Power of Now, “Your mind is an instrument, a tool.  It is there to be used for a specific task, and when the task is completed, you lay it down.  As it is, I would say about 80 to 90 percent of most people’s thinking is not only repetitive and useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often negative nature, much of it is also harmful. Observe your mind and you will find this to be true.” Collins provides techniques for individuals to gain greater awareness of their own inner stories, giving them the ability to rewrite them.  While the utility of the mind is important to realize, Collins helps readers to set it aside and to live in the present moment.  As Collins writes, “Your real addiction is to your mind.”

Collins introduces his techniques by asking his readers to imagine themselves in the center of a personal amphitheater with the lights turned off.  The person standing in the center of the amphitheater is one’s self and the voices heard in the amphitheater telling one to check out new porn, visit a prostitute or repeat the typical addictive cycle are understood to be the addictive subpersonalities.   As Collins notes, these repetitive and dysfunctional stories and the personal behavior that results often seems automatic, but they are not.  By using the technique of having individuals “turn on the lights” in their amphitheater, identify, confront and reason with the voices, their stories and thus subpersonalities can be changed. 

Through the use of journaling and consciously directing these stories an addict begins to recognize “what’s always true,”  that one always has a choice.  By thus having individuals identify with the silent and true essence of their selves, rather than with the stories told in their mind, Collins points the way toward freedom from sex addiction.  As he writes, “When everything you do is fresh and you’re no longer living in reaction to your history, there are no preconceived notions, no story.  Your life will be different.”

While he refers to masters from Roberto Assagioli to Ken Wilber, George Collins has written a book that is, as he writes, “. . .not just based on what he read,” but based, perhaps more importantly, on his own previous experience as a sex addict as well as his successful counseling of sex addicts.  His book is well written, clearly based on deep principles, but written in a manner that anyone can pick up and make use of.  His inclusion of many techniques, from The Blonde in the Beemer: What to Do When You’re Out of Control to How Good Can You Stand It? Connecting with Yourself and Others shows that Collins understands the difficult, human process involved in breaking free from the cycle of sexual obsession. 

Through his own difficult personal experience and his later expertise in counseling Collins provides an excellent guide.  He satisfies his stated goal of helping his readers break the cycle of an unsatisfying life of sexually compulsive behavior and through the intimate connections they find with others make their life better.  Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession and Shame is highly recommended.

Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession and Shame
George N. Collins, MA with Andrew Adleman, MA
New Harbinger Publications: October 1, 2011
Paperback, 224 pages
$17.95

Right Here begins with a section on what to aim for in a relationship.  This first section contains five essays which all focus on one aspect of romanticism.  From opening your heart to falling in love, the first section of this book is just a primer; it gives us a glimpse of what we can expect in the future.

The second section of Right Here is called “Preparing the Ground.”  As the title implies, this section is about getting yourself ready for a relationship.  The main focus of this section is learning how to love yourself unconditionally.  Several of the contributors for this section provide meditation examples and exercises to help you get to know yourself.  The most basic of these exercises is to sit quietly with yourself and to really feel every emotion and thought that rushes over you.  I have done meditations similar to this, and I agree that it is the best way to get to know yourself.  You cannot spend quality time with anyone (not even yourself) if you are distracted.  This section also covers choosing a partner and even has an essay dedicated to the criteria that so many of us go by when choosing partners.

Section Three is called “Being in Relationship.”  This section covers dealing with the stress of marriage.  It also contains essays about being mindful of your partner.  One example of mindfulness given in one of the essays compares mindfulness in a relationship to the mindfulness of eating a baked potato.  You try to experience every flavor, but are overwhelmed by memories and emotions.  Eventually you lose track of where you began in the first place.  “If it’s this challenging to stay in touch with a baked potato,” Erik Hansen asks, “how much harder must it be to clearly perceive the person I love?”  Good question.

Erik illustrates his point further by giving an example of his wife.  One Sunday, she expects him to help her clean their basement.  After becoming frustrated that he is unable to read a book, he surrenders and helps his wife.  While he helps her, he begins to actually feel her presence.  She’s not just someone standing next to him anymore; she’s a living, breathing human being with her own life, her own goals, and her own will.  For once, he is truly aware of his wife.  Erik then clarifies that his wife in no way resembles a baked potato.

The remaining sections cover the hard parts of relationships: dealing with disagreements, the loss of love, and their ilk.

Throughout Right Here with You the focus remains on mindfulness.  I’m a practicing Buddhist, so this is not a new concept to me.  To people who know nothing about Buddhism, mindfulness may seem like just making sure you don’t hurt other people’s feelings.  It is, in fact, much more than that!  Mindfulness is not taking things for granted.  When you are mindful of your surroundings, you know that they are there; you experience them as they are.  In America today, we focus so much on the future that we lose sight of right now.  Mindfulness is about coming back to now.

I love how this book brings us back to our center.  The premise that to have a successful relationship with someone else, you must first have a successful relationship with yourself is an old one, but the premise is true.  In my experience, relationships fail because one of the partners in that relationship is trying to fill a void.  As a gay man who has tried to hide his sexuality by dating women, I think I stand as a perfect example.  Now that I’ve come to accept myself just as I am, I’m finally able to enjoy life.  Reading this book has helped pull me back to my center and, now, my relationships with my friends and family (I wish I could add “boyfriend” to that list) are much stronger.

If you’re stuck in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, or you’re tired of all the Christian rhetoric that fills many of the relationship advice books out there, I strongly recommend reading this book.  It will open you up to a world of new understanding.

Paperback: 288 pages
Publisher: Shambhala (August 9, 2011)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1590309049
ISBN-13: 978-1590309049
Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.7 x 8.9 inches